TTS Issue 35 - Miss world news? We’ve got you covered
Hello Slippers! Welcome to issue 35 of The Third Slip - the world’s favourite satirical newsletter amongst newsletters that have exactly 35 issues so far. 35, of course, in Hindi sounds like the word women hate the moist most - “panties”. How would two Malayalee men who went to engineering college have any idea about this you ask? It’s been 35 issues and if you haven’t realised that we like to make sweeping generalisations for comedic effect you are one of those lurking subscribers who never read this newsletter. Boo to you. Also, if you are one of the 27.74% women Slippers (yes, we did the math) do write in to us to tell us if we are wrong about your least favourite word.
Before we begin - The Slipperfie Challenge: TTS is as much about nonsense as it is about the news (notwithstanding the fact that they are synonyms in 2017). If you enjoy The Third Slip, send us a picture of your Slippers. If you are not at home and can’t be bothered to do this later, send us a picture of your current footwear. You might even win a prize.
Wait, we forgot something. Oh yeah, the news...
At home
Moody Swings: In a definite shot in the arm for the Modi government, credit rating agency Moody’s has upgraded India’s rating to Baa2 after a gap of 14 years. Brace yourself for the latest and greatest Achhe Din PR salvo yet. Fun Fact: The government had been lobbying hard for this rating upgrade and when it failed last year, had criticised the Moody’s rating methodology “egregious” and “compromised”.
No bell for demonetisation: Remember when the aforementioned PR machinery went to town saying nobel laureate Richard Thaler supported demonetisation despite everyone pointing out that he didn’t really mean it? In case anyone still cares for “facts”, Thaler clarified his view calling the rollout “deeply flawed” and the motivation for the move “puzzling”
Who nose: Some loonies want to cut off Deepika Padukone’s nose for acting in a movie that apparently distorts historical facts. One sincerely hopes that 200 years from now, our descendants will distort facts about this era, equally, to prevent severe embarrassment. The BJP is doing nothing to stop said loonies - surprise! - probably because they’re busy trying to defame a political opponent in Gujarat for performing the anti-national activity of having consensual sex.
Vigilynchings: In case you didn’t know cow vigilantes are still around and lynching. Oh and now they are also beheading their victims. Progress.
Miss World: Or as John Oliver would say, why is this still a thing? In a spectacle that purportedly gets 20-year-old women to solve the world’s greatest challenges in a 30-second answer while objectifying them and propping up unnatural beauty standards for women, Manushi Chillar was crowned Miss World last night. An Indian is winning the title after 17 years, so yeah it’s news.
LOLz of the week
A Twitter user makes an obviously fake fun post about the origin of Mysore pak. Reputed news networks from India run it as real news. 2017.
If you’re the health minister, what is the one thing you shouldn’t do about the state of air pollution in Delhi? Say that it’s okay because it’s not like the Bhopal gas tragedy. Facepalm.
A station in Japan apologized after a train left 20 seconds early. Meanwhile, 10 people die in Bombay local trains every day and nobody gives, forgive our French, une fuque d’ariel.
Introducing the Hope Section
At The Third Slip, we have long held the view that sports is the answer to all human conflict. If we only hated each other based on which football club we supported and let the players “battle” it out in the middle for us, world peace would be only a game away. Or if we were to replace organised religion with sports, it would serve the dual purpose of quenching our thirst to belong to a tribe and also keep us fit in the process. This week again showed us why sports is our best shot at world peace - US and Canada’s famous ice hockey rivalry thawed as former captains of the respective teams got together to have a child. Awww
This week, Australia voted in favour of same-sex marriage. Yas queen!
Life sometimes emulates movies. In a scenario reminiscent of the plot of the 2011 Malayalam movie Traffic, an ambulance covered a distance that would take 14 hours in 6 hours 50 minutes to save a baby in a medical emergency.
Around the world
Mugabbeyaar! Lots of chaos happened in Zimbabwe over the week, but essentially, a coup and subsequent pressure from people meant that dictator and financial mastermind behind the country’s economic slump (remember the $1b note?) Robert Mugabe is on his way out (but that doesn’t mean he wants to go willingly, even if he did smile and handshake his coup-er)
Earthquake The tragedy of the week comes from a massive quake on the border of the two embroiled nations - killing 700, injuring 6000. Not like those two countries needed any help with people dying.
How’s the environment doing? The Bonn UN climate meet seems to have gone off well, with 200 countries agreeing peer pressure was a good thing. Even the US negotiators were helpful, something that should have pissed their climate change skeptic president off. Ironically, an energy company was razing a forest very close to the meet. Meanwhile, there was a massive oil spill in the US, on the eve of the decision for another pipeline to be made.
That’s a relief Remember that Myanmar apparently killed (and drove out) its own Rohingya population, aided by the (apparently Nobel peace prize-winning) Aung San Suu Kyi? Well, don’t worry - the military is not responsible for it. So says… The military. Looks like they have the same PR agency as our… What, stop the joke here? Why? Oh, okay.
It’s no irony that Warsaw unscrambles to… The Polish capital saw the biggest extreme-right gathering: 60,000 people who made their stance quite clear: No Muslims, no gays, nothing anti-Catholic, basically. Why can’t they protest about things like YouTube refusing to play when the screen is switched off? And nobody in power tried to stop it.
From the Ochre Ogre
Outgoing senator Bob Corker, called the White House “an adult day care center”. Trump later legitimized elephant trophy imports and his party passed a tax bill that will, essentially, benefit the wealthy. To make up for all this, though, Trump’s team have begun working on a plan to resolve the Israel-Palestine issue, most likely with a two-state solution and he seems to have bullied China (during his recent Asia trip) enough for them to go over to North Korea to have a stern word or two.
Biz & Technology
What the truck! Yep, Elon just made an electric truck (TL;DR: $1.21 per mile vs $1.51 for diesel; trucks are just 9% of all vehicles but contribute to 20% emissions)
Uber is going to sell some massive stake to Softbank (who, by the way, invested quite a bit in Ola a couple of weeks back). All this has led to Masayoshi Son being dubbed ‘the unicorn veterinarian’.
But how! Walmart shares are jumping. Wasn’t Amazon’s record growth supposed to make this not happen?
LinkedOut
A lovely interview with Elon Musk by Rolling Stone. The man is human and has emotions after all.
We mentioned the Supreme Court drama last week. Scroll calls it the gravest crisis the judiciary and the legal profession have ever faced in India.
That’s it for issue 35 of The Third Slip. In case you forgot, do take part in the Slipperfie challenge and show us your love. You can reach us on Twitter (Tony | Chuck) or on email. In case you haven't subscribed yet please use the subscribe link or drop a mail. As always, we would love to hear from you about anything you’d like to tell us. But since you won’t, we have to meet up and validate each other over beers. Sigh. Life is hard. Until next week, hope your ratings get upgraded. Bye!