Third Slip - Issue 6: And the award for best performance in an insignificant milestone goes to...
Welcome to Issue 6 of The Third Slip, the weekly satirical roundup of all that’s been happening around the world. A 5-minute refresher of the week, linking you to far more credible writing. Let’s jump right into things, shall we?
We’re almost there!
Hang in there, folks - we’re 6% - 100 days - into the Trump administration. And you know that feeling when you get a B- in Math and say grades/calculus doesn’t matter? Well, yeah.
But hey, let’s not say he achieved nothing! He’s probably expended the most decibels (and definitely Twitter characters) of any Presidential debutant. He’s undoubtedly made Americans healthier since a significant of them are outdoors protesting against him. And divisive? Nah! Nobody has brought opposing communities together with so much flair since that girl brought all the boys to her yard with them milkshakes. Republicans, Democrats, Supreme Court, various religions and communities - they’re all united on matters like the disastrous Muslim Ban and the lol-worthy Obamacare replacement. What else, what else… Trump’s hotline for reporting crimes by immigrants has been flooded with apparent alien sightings - a marked sign of progress in astronomy! He’s achieved levels of unpopularity in 100 days that seasoned veterans would find difficult to reach two terms into office. Others in his cabinet have taught us a lesson in loyalty: Take the touching example of ex-NSA Mike Flynn and Russia :’)
He’s also shown that he has a flexible and open outlook. After all, he changed his mind about NATO, NAFTA, China, swamp / Goldman Sachs draining and of course - the wall. But the thing that he might have changed his mind on the most is the job of being President itself; the poor chap assumed that being President would be easier than his old life. It’s good to know that Donald Trump took to the presidency for the same reasons that frustrated software engineers write CAT.
Trump’s also shown a willingness to learn, and he gets nobody but the best to tutor him- the Chinese President on a refresher in the situation in North Korea, and the Canadian PM for a guest lecture on NAFTA.
Back home - MCD: Kejriwal Is Not Lovin’ It
The BJP won the Delhi Municipal elections in a landslide - a big blow for Arvind Kejriwal’s AAP (which is still in government in Delhi, by the way). Yes, the two are different things and their functions often overlap. This essentially means more headaches (to go with that nasty cough) for Kejru, who’ll have to keep fighting with Modi to get things done. Then again, maybe his focus on constantly targeting the PM was one of the reasons he lost. The media have been AAP-focused after the elections (introspect, post-mortem, obituary, etc) which is good for the BJP - they did nothing in the 10 years they were in power. Being rewarded for doing nothing clearly works at the ‘bench’ of a software company and the MCD.
Also in the motherland...
Modi is pushing for a change of fiscal year to Jan-Dec which is largely going to be a good thing, except for some transitional woes especially given that it’ll clash with GST. We’ll keep you updated on this so you know if your petrol bill fudging strategy needs changing.
Also, did you know that farmers from TN went all the way to Delhi and camped there, almost begging for drought-relief funds? This continues to be a nationwide problem, and one just dreads the post-monsoon suicide report in Maharashtra.Tis the season when farmers will wish they were their own cows- they’d have got all the attention they wanted. In more depressing news (yes, more depressing, what fun), Bihar’s negligence of water treatment plants have led to a massive increase in cancer. When you read the line “the filters haven’t been changed for years”, you really hope someone’s just documenting a lazy Instagrammer, but no such luck.
You probably also didn’t know we’re about to have a new President. That’s right. The quadrennial (word of the day!) exercise in figuring out who gets the nicest garden in Delhi, and the best exemplification of the word ‘sinecure’ happens soon. While supposedly apolitical, it’s the one symbolic chance the opposition has of showing some sense of unity.
Meanwhile the BJP seems to have mastered the art of localisation - remember they said they wouldn’t be anti-beef in the North-East (how convenient!)? Well, now they’re giving Keralites the one thing they can’t live without. The only thing they love more than beef and Mohanlal - hartals.
Finally, 136/180 is a great score if you’re talking about CAT’s quant section, but probably not if you’re discussing a ranking in the global press freedom index. “It came in just a few spots ahead of Pakistan” is a comparison you want to hear only when talking about cricket, and you hope to hear “far behind countries like Robert Mugabe’s Zimbabwe” only when discussing who has the highest denomination note.
Aadhaarephant in the room
Yes, we managed to go this far without mentioning it, but we crumbled and gave in. Just like government websites that have all our data! While citizens are generally uncomfortable with their personal info being leaked out, they’re likely to do something about it and demand a fix only if Google search history is linked to their Aadhaar. Also, if you like your PAN card, then make sure it doesn’t die by end of year.
Kerala FTW
Kerala (not to be confused with Karela which is bitter gourd which the map of Kerala has an uncanny resemblance to) is a state best known for its natural beauty. And also its top notch performance on HDI parameters. They bring us our happy story of the week - in a collaboration between Sexual and Gender Minority Federation (SGMF) and the Kerala government, the first transgender sports meet was organised in Thiruvananthapuram. Smiles all around.
Bonus smile - how farmers in Kerala are using an age old system to beat the drought.
Other stuff around the world
Strangely enough, the Political Gaffe of the Week did not come from the usual orange-hued suspect, but from Japan’s soon-to-be-ex-disaster (of a) minister Masahiro Imamura, who said it was a good thing the 2011 tsunami/earthquake struck the northeast rather than the capital (hey, at least now India is not the only country apathetic to its north-east).
The much-talked-about French elections went as expected - the centrist, liberal Emmanuel Macron will face off in the second round against far-right, anti-EU, anti-immigrant Marine Le Pen. Macron is the youngest ever candidate to make it to the second round, and he marginally maintains a lead. A lot of breaths will be bated, a Le Pen win might cause a little more inconvenience than slashed Nutella imports - it’ll be a shot in the arm for xenophobia and a shot in the face for the EU, which France co-founded. But hey, at least it’s nice to know those nice Russians are interested in the elections as well. No?
Jimmy Wales launched a new, ambitious online program to combat fake news. Wikitribune hopes to bring professional journalists and well-meaning volunteers together. This is worth donating to and keeping an eye on.
From the tech world
Uber’s getting pretty serious about Uber Elevate, its vision for flying cars. And Juicero continues to be the IOT-blessed gift that keeps on giving.
Run across and down town
While humans of today have great motivation to complete a marathon (those Facebook likes are quite sweet eh?), that isn’t enough of a challenge to some people. Cryptic crossword setters are usually declared masochists (setting a crossword does not even give you likes on Facebook), and so crossword setter John Halpern decided to combine the two arduous tasks and set 26 clues of a cryptic crossword while running the 26 miles of the London Marathon. You can solve this special crossword, but you have to run a mile after solving each clue.
And finally, we move to The Conclusion: Baahubali 2
After close to a two-year wait to finally find out the answer to the most intriguing question in history - hum Chlormint kyu khaate hain? “Why did Kattappa kill Baahubali?”, Baahubali 2 released to much fanfare and record-breaking collections. While the #AmitMedia as usual put on their ignorance of “South India” on full display, the biggest LOL story came from Bangalore - where a theatre accidentally played the second half of the movie first to an unsuspecting audience. Imagine waiting for two years with tremendous anticipation and booking tickets for the first weekend of the movie only to have it ruined by a premature climax because the theatre played the second half before the first half! The theatre has not responded to our query on whether the projectionist was a Yoda fan.
That's all we have sobriety for this week. Until we meet again next week, be good and stay off debates on the internet.