Third Slip - Issue 13: This one is lucky (for today), we swear!
Hola! It’s time for The Third Slip again; A tl;dr of of all the important things that happened last week, made more palatable with puns and silly comments. As always, we link out to more credible writing. Right in time to kill a few minutes before the match begins. What’s happened on our planet over the last week, then?
Make Self Goals Great Again
The US right now is in “whatever you can do, we can do better” mode. Last week, when UK’s PM Theresa May scored a massive self-goal (snap elections that didn’t work out as well as she’d hoped), the US said, “hold my drink”. After sacking FBI Chief James Comey and putting in Robert Mueller to “investigate” the Russian connection, things aren’t exactly going as Trump would have liked them to: Mueller is now evaluating whether the president himself needs to be brought under scrutiny. Think of it as the political equivalent of friends planted in the audience by a nervous stand-up comedian to applaud him, only to have them heckle. All this is causing L’Orange to yell at his TVs: It’s reassuring to know that a man with a “press here for Nukes” button has the same maturity as a cricket fan after seeing a wrongly-given run-out decision.
(And meanwhile, Smirnoff trolled Trump nicely)
The Great Buffoon has made it to 60% unpopularity in record time: While that’s obvious fodder for jokes, there’s a dark side as well (an anti-Trump activist firing at a Republican, for instance). The country who is the current laughing stock of the world is unlikely to lose that title even if the President gets impeached: Apparently over 7% of the US thinks chocolate milk comes from… Brown Cows. #MAGA
More from the Land of the Free and Home of the Facepalm
Covfefe could actually be a thing, although a very clever retronym. A Democratic Rep has introduced the "Communications Over Various Feeds Electronically For Engagement" that would need all the president’s tweets to be archived, and immediately giving an inferiority complex to HR managers and VenkronymNaidu.
Jeff Sessions, the Attorney General, testified in front of the Senate (y’know, so that whole Trump-Russia connection could be sorted out) but answered nothing, except “are you as annoying as your face suggests?”
Trump’s travel ban (barring US entry for nationals from seven predominantly Muslim countries, none of which is the proven-coaching-class-for-terrorists Saudi Arabia. Hmm) has worked its way up to the Supreme Court, and Hawaii’s minority-welcoming governor for one, has got the popcorn out.
Around the world
France’s Emmanuel Macron (after becoming president) is well en route to winning the Lower House: Not bad for a dude whose party is just a year old. And while this might seem like boring news, Europe could use a bit of “yawn, so what” rather than “dear lord what now” currently.
The city of London just cannot catch a break right now: After terrorist strikes, a building caught fire. As for the Tories, you might remember they “won” the elections in the same way that a Dad was “specially chosen” to accompany his daughter’s gaggle of friends to a Justin Beiber concert. They’ve now been accused of ignoring fire warnings. Good time to be a loser.
Whose Protest Is It Anyway? This week - Russia! Yes, it’s a relief to see a Russia headline without the words “hacked elections” for once. People were basically protesting against corrupt governance and for gay rights.
And hey, remember Greece? Yes, economically they’re still pretty f***ed - so much so that the Eurozone lent them $8.5b Euros. Feels like #HeadlinesFrom2014, no?
If you’re a fan of global conflict, look forward to more fun as US increases presence in Syria (which they promised they wouldn’t do, but… yolo bro.)
You’ve probably been seeing awesome photo-essays of China’s new, impossible bridges, but it might just be for optics - there’s a lot of debt and confused local population who doesn’t know what to do with them. Think of it as the government of India ignoring actual people in need and trying to build a massive statue because it can… Oh wait.
In depressing news this week, there was a blast in a China kindergarten, and Indonesia’s Marawi is still in shambles thanks to the ISIS-Government war.
And finally, in proof that legal weed can only lead to good ideas, the Netherlands is looking to export its expertise in battling rising seas to whoever needs it. Climate change or not, the tiny awesome country has been making strides in this area for years. For instance, they’ve mastered converting vulnerable areas to tourist spots, and making sure their citizens are ready for anything: Kids have to learn to swim with their clothes on. Bring in on, Donald.
Best in stand-up comedy this week
Aussie PM Malcolm Turnbull impersonating Donald Trump :D
This week’s make-this-sentence-worse challenge
Dennis Rodman presented North Korea’s Kim-Jong-Un a copy of Donald Trump’s The Art Of The Deal.
Let’s go home for some happy news, then
Aadhaar is back with a bang, baby! Critics had written off the identity card, saying it’s a spent force after the Supreme Court said there’s no need to link it to PAN. Well, they can now eat their words: you now need to link it to your bank account or risk it being shut down. What a story from an ID that’s less than a decade old!
If you’re pissed off with the history of India, don’t worry - the BJP is on hand to provide you a new, improved version!
The Kochi metro kicked off - it took just 4 years for it to come together - but the BJP once again made a fool of itself in Kochi, snubbing the ‘Metro Man’ E Sreedharan before getting him back on the stage.
It’s a confusing time to be a school student: There are new states getting added at breakneck speed: Next in line might be Gorkhaland.
You might have read various self-help books on productivity saying “Learn how to say no”. One industry that definitely needs that advice - Indian public sector banks. After being a tad too agreeable and saying yes all the time, they’re straddled with a mountain of NPAs. And Vijay Mallya is just the tip of a massive iceberg - close to 12% of their assets are NPAs (the number for private banks, who clearly have a spine, is 4%).
Critics of the BJP say the ruling party has forgotten its development agenda. We disagree. The vigilantism industry is thriving, as is news censorship. Acche Din indeed!
By the way, demonetization was such a disaster and even the right-inclined Swarajya magazine agreed.
Also this week, some accused in the 1993 Mumbai blasts were convicted (after the minor matter of 24 years) but the big fish, Dawood, is not among them.
Why bother Photoshopping only?
The Hindutva brigade has realised its audience is so stupid they don’t need to take the effort to doctor images - now they just take pics from anywhere and pass it off as Indian. Case in point, The Home Ministry annual report shows how awesome Modi Sarkar is, by showing off a picture of the Spain-Morocco border. Hence, liberals found a new hobby: Making fake “proud to be Indian” images that bhakts fall for and share. It feels like natural selection should have kicked in by now...
Whole(Foods)y Shyte!
Amazon sent a shockwave among… Pretty much everybody by acquiring hipster healthy food chain WholeFoods! What this shows is that Amazon can get into any space. Be scared.
Uber Fool
“People don’t give a s**t” is the new “too big to fail”.
Case in point: Uber. Despite doing seemingly everything in the “How to Lose Customers and Alienate Employees” handbook, people still… Use it, best exemplified by the line “What Uber lacks in autonomous tech it makes up for in autonomous customers.”
What a week, though: To become a better person, Travis bhai took a “leave of absence”. Soon after, a board member said more women on the board would just mean more talking. He resigned. Uber’s we-don’t-give-a-crap attitude found an excellent bedfellow in India’s we-don’t-care-about-rape - A woman sued top management after getting raped there.
And while Uber has those headaches, US rival Lyft is slowly but steadily rising - going for another prize, autonomous cars. Speaking of which, everyone was supposed to be kicked about that technology - So why have Google and Apple both got out of that race?
If markets don’t lie, then there’s hope for the world - it’s predicted that Big Oil will eventually die.
Spotify has guaranteed paying labels that it signs, as it prepares to go public next year.
Oh, and that TVF dude stepped down. Remember him?
LinkedOut - the best things we read this week
Malls aren’t dead… But they just might not have shops anymore.
If you’re sad about the state of the world, remember there’s a NY baker who converts troll comments into cakes.
Cross Putin and you’re dead. A stunning investigation by Buzzfeed (yes, them of cat listicle fame) that might as well be a crime drama.
A lovely piece on how India’s “closed data” approach is choking innovation
That’s it for this week! Let us know what you think (we’re @chuck_gopal and @notytony on Twitter). Pass The Third Slip on to afriend or enemy (depending on what you think about it). Till next time, people. Enjoy the match!