The Third Slip - Issue 9: Ayyo, I/O, more Trump. Also the IPL is over, we have one less issue.
Hello there! Did you know that in China buildings usually don’t have the 4th floor because the number 4 also sounds like the word for death? In a similar vein, it appears we ate up issue number 8. But unlike China, we have not banned puns. So, after two Issue 7s here’s Issue 9 (28% longer because of GST).
No place like home - Domestic News
We start down south, in knowledgeable Chennai where people love Rajinikanth (no shit Sherlock) and got to meet him after an 8-year gap. He first denied wanting to dabble in politics but there are rumours that he might launch his own party with blessings from the BJP. <Rajinikanth joke removed by the editor because we aspire to a higher standard>.
Meanwhile, in Godman’s Own Country, a 23-year-old woman who was continuously abused by a swami finally retaliated by cutting off his penis. The police charged the sanyasi with the Protection of Children from Sexual Offences (POSCO) Act and he claimed that he cut off his sexual organ wilfully as it was not useful to him. Also, the Titanic hit the iceberg to test how strong it was.
Staying with alternative facts, it seemed for a day like the India Under 17 football team beat the Italy Under 17 team because that’s what the AIFF told us, but it turns out that while the team was from Italy, it was definitely not the official Under 17 team. This is the same tactic we used in school when we got back to class after losing 5-1 and were asked “Who won? What was the score?” and replied with “We 1” and walked away muttering under our breath “the other team 5” in order to have a clear conscience and avoid a confession before the first Friday Holy Mass.
Like Rajinikanth, we didn’t want to dabble with politics either but the ruling party forced us to - it’s apparently been three years of achhe din and maybe you missed the memo. But Patanjali wants to use bulls to generate electricity so we can’t be far away. Aadhaar is still being pushed hard - it was linked to attendance, chaos ensued and data leaks and privacy issues continue. Meanwhile the GST council met in Srinagar (where GST is not applicable LOL) and the reforms mean that Indians are the most taxed globally. Oh, and the new demonetisation data shows a big hit to manufacturing, but also a bigger tax base. So we may have finally come to know what the original purpose of the exercise was (hehe)
Hack thoo (rejected title: Vanakkaum, WannaCry)
If you’re running WinXP, now might be a good time to stop hanging on to nostalgia. Over last weekend, some 230,000 computers around the world were subject to Ransomware attacks (Computer locked. Pay $300 in Bitcoin to recover files). Computers running Windows 7 were the most affected (not Vista though - it’s likely that computers crashed before the hackers could get in). High-profile victims: Britain’s National Health Service (clearly IT infrastructure’s not been at the top of their agenda since Brexit), FedEx (no, not the tennis player), 4 Indian state governments and... Tirupati Temple (clearly, even God, for all his skillz couldn’t stop this). Moral of the story: Update security patches, bhajans can wait. Moral 2: Buy antivirus or their stocks during an attack. While the hackers ended up making $55000, they also showed they were nice guys by letting poor people off the hook. The real hero is a 22-year old security expert called ‘HackerTech’ who not just stopped the attack, but donated his $10000 award to charity. Ransomware attacks like this are good for restoring your faith in humanity.
At home, Zomato got hacked leading to no major repercussion apart from perhaps your parents finding out you’re not as vegetarian as you claim to be.
Something else got hacked - leading to several Pirates of Pirates jokes.
An I/Ota of Truth
Google’s annual developer conference has seen announcements around hits (Android, Gmail) and duds (Glass, Plus). This year was interesting. First off, they’re serious about getting more people to Android - so they created an OS specifically for low-end devices, called Android Go. Next up - people will be able create their own AI software / hardware - through cloud-based computing (job security? Wazzat?). As for AI for Google’s own products - Assistant is getting more awesome (and onto the iPhone!). Also, Google O (Oreo?) is coming.
Two things for those who need to get lazier: Google’s training the camera to recognize things around you and provide utility (Possible examples: Point to a restaurant and get instant Zomato ratings; point to Donald Trump and get migraine remedies); and suggested replies on Gmail will prevent inappropriate replies when, say, drunk. Finally, here’s a terrific perspective on why it pays to be boring - even if you’re Google.
Something for you Whose Line fans: a depressing Irish Drinking Song (sing along!)
Dee dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai * 2
Last week he fired the head of the FBI
Now a climate change skeptic’s his USDA guy.
Comey was ordered to end an investigation.
Oh hey - that reminds us of good ol’ Richard Nixon.
Dee dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai * 2
Meanwhile, Trump is happy to be rid of that nutjob
Now he can proceed to give his ego a blowjob.
He might make this dickbag do what Comey used to do
But rest reassured, his lawyer’s a scumbag too.
Dee dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai * 2
He knew Flynn’s boo-boos before taking him on,
That’s actually a crime, he could be put away for long.
Meanwhile, his allies are a fairly pissed-off flock
‘Cause (as WP said) he’s sucking Russia’s cock.
Dee dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai * 2
While doing what his party had vehemently opposed
An Islamaphobe in Riyadh, is irony most.
There his leech-faced son-in-law made a weapons sale
Now check out this newspaper bromance tale.
Dee dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai di dai
Dee dai di dai di dai di dai di daaaai diiiii daaaaai diiiii daaaaaaai
(Alternate verse 3, line 3: The next Prez could be AI or could it be the Rock?)
Also, tweet of the year.
What’s goin’ down, Elon?
Clearly, tunnels. The Boring Company’s (new!) website reassures us this genius is taking his frustration-turned- cleverpun-turned- WaitHeWasSeriousAboutThatPun-turned-HolyShitItsHappeningItWasJustAnInnocentPun seriously.
And what’s going up, Elon?
Hey, ever wished you were, y’know, on an intergalactic flight and wanted WiFi so you could Instagram that selfie with the moon behind you? K, done.
Tunnels and space Wifi. No wonder this man is the most influential person on Twitter.
Tech over the week
You might have read that (and maybe wrote a sentimental FB post featuring Winamp) that the MP3 died. Well, not really - some patents expired, that’s all.
The Net Neutrality fight might become a thing again - get those ‘support’ display pics ready! Self-driving cars might prevent road-rage-based fights, but not before a lot of boardroom-based ones first: Once pals, Google and Uber are at each other’s throats (former saying latter stole their ideas, latter probably trying to extend meeting till peak surcharge). Uber has tons to worry about, including people finding out about their differential pricing (especially if you’re a woman).
If you’re a musician thinking “bro I work in creative field, my job is safe from AI”, you might want to look at this.
Apple’s new office looks awesomely sexy, has a 100000 sqft gym, patented pizza boxes and… No daycare. Good job! It was apparently built it as a tribute to Jobs - and it already seems to be as much of a prick as he was. Depressingly, it could be deliberate.
This week in Facebook-copying-Snapchat news
There’s sneaky copying, and then there’s total shamelessness. (We’ll forgive them since they’re trying to kill clickbait)
Need some depression and Radiohead CDs not handy? Welcome to our climate change section
Remember that Arctic vault with tons of seeds that was supposed to feed all of mankind in the event of an apocalypse or a stupid US President? Yeah… Climate change is trying to have a go at that.
Also, it seems India isn’t as solar as the government makes it out to be, but thankfully people are making printable panels Down Under.
Bijnej
Tencent - the Chinese internet behemoth - showed it is anything but ten cents with massive earnings and profits. At this point, China can do anything, including build a replica of the Titanic. Once-dinosaur Walmart has upped its online business so much that some are saying it could be a threat to the big A! Heineken launched zero-alcohol beer (what’s that?).
Weekly WTFs
Hey, ever walk down Singapore and feel “damn, I have this impulse need to buy a sports car man”. There’s a vending machine for that.
And oh hey, remember Pharma Bro? There’s now a Broadway Musical for that.
Why
Both of us pride ourselves on being fairly liberal but things like detachable jeans make us think an eyedropper of right-wing medicine once in a while wouldn’t be a bad idea.
Other things around the globe
The evilest man alive today - Syria’s Bashar al-Assad - drew further comparisons to Hitler, as US intelligence (2 words not used in close proximity of late) showed a cemetery is being used to dispose of his opponents.
Nearby, in Iran, Hassan Rouhani won an election that had a whopping 73% turnout, showing the country is probably okay with opening up its tattered economy.
Chelsea Manning - who helped leak government dox that led to the formation of Wikileaks - is now free (Insta or it didn’t happen). Her actions had several effects - Cablegate contributed to the Arab Spring and encouraged leaks like the Panama Papers. Assange in the meantime has gone from hero to WTF, but at least he doesn’t have rape charges against him anymore. Freshly elected French prez Macron’s cabinet has people from across the political spectrum!
LinkedOut
What happens when a giant corporation takes over an up and coming hot property? This lovely read on how Disney ruined Pixar.
The fab duo of Misbah and Younis Khan bid farewell to the game. Here’s Kimber’s #MisYou piece
Two women walk into a bra - a hilarious piece on the perfect bra fit in the age of e-commerce.
Next time your mother yells at you for wasting your life on video games, send her this link on why video games are serious art.
If you were the hottest thing in the tech world right now, would you want the world to know what you looked like as an awkward teenager? Apparently, Mark Zuckerberg is a big believer in Facebook memories. This really cute video of how he found out about his Harvard acceptance.
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