The Third Slip: Issue 89 - V for vain-data
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip, the weekly newsletter that is to media what a practice match is to the main test series - it looks deceptively like the same sport, but has no bearing on the current state or future of anything, but at least everyone gets a hit and giggle.
This is issue 89. Or as the Niti Aayog will tell you in about 4 years’ time, issue 63. 89 is the last score till which Tendulkar would bat at a good strike rate, before slowing down to ensure he nailed the three figures. Slowing down before nailing the three figures, of course, is also what Pontius Pilate did when he sent Jesus along with two robbers for crucifixion. If you thought this newsletter was niche, wait till you see our Cricket & Bible Quiz certificate. But first, see the news…
At Home
Data base-less: Let’s face it, the only Gross Domestic Product that the ruling party has actively attempted to better is cow dung. For the actual economic indicator though, their policy seems to be - if the GDP data doesn’t fit your narrative, simply change the calculation. To put this in cricketing terms, imagine the BJP is batting but changes the MCC rules on a real-time Google Doc at the end of each over to show that it’s actually winning, while they’re 43/8 chasing 466.
Manure ki baat: To be fair, we weren’t completely honest when we said cow dung was all the government was interested in, there's also bullshit. Here’s a prospective quote of the week - “The central government is not concerned about farmers or society, but just about building temples, stoking Hindutva and winning elections on the plank of fear rather than development. Only if they lose in 5 states will they listen.” - not some left-leaning, newsletter-reading, armchair-psephologist urban elite, but actual farmers. And unlike said elites, they’re actually doing something about it - storming the capital to demand change. And these farmers come from all over India.
Putting the balls in ballots: It doesn’t feel better than this to be wrong. Last week, two of the armchair-psephologist urban elite who run an obscure newsletter said that Kerala was polarised by the BJP and the Congress’ communal politics over Sabarimala. This week, the local body bypolls in Kerala proved otherwise with the BJP being drubbed and further reduced in representation. The Congress-based UDF also didn’t gain traction. Left holding the bag.
Deja jew: “Don’t be afraid!” - said Modi to judges. You know, like how a certain gentleman back in the day told Jews “Arrey don’t worry, just fill up this form”. Speaking of which, some idiots are saying that Brahmins are being treated like Jews in Nazi Germany - mostly because they don’t understand what words mean. That’s not only anti-semitic but also anti-semantic.
Elsewhere
Martian Arts: It’s amazing that NASA continues to go strong despite an administration which still thinks science is just an opinion. Anyhoo, they managed to land InSight which - apart from being a terribly clever acronym - will be the first mission to dig INTO Mars and give us more, well, insight into a planet we one day hope to colonise and ruin. For nerds, here are the deets.
Designer genes: The scientific community (and anyone who’s read Sapiens / Homo Deus) was shocked that a Chinese scientist ‘made’ genetically modified babies out of the blue, paving the way for ‘designer babies’ and relief that this technology didn’t exist in the time of Hitler. Oh well, at least the intense scrutiny around all this now has ensured more proper scientists will triple-think before doing something like this again, even if it’s slightly unsettling that potentially anyone could buy the technology. Democratizing music-making tools gave us EDM, so one can only wonder what “bedroom gene editors” are capable of. Something tells us it’ll be a tad worse than the worst transgressions of talentless DJs.
Jai 20: Damn, did you see that bromance between Saudi Arabia’s “I just killed a journalist” Crown Prince and Russia’s “I just killed American democracy and am still screwing Ukraine” Putin at the G20 summit? Just the fact that both these murderers are present in a conference of Top 20 countries in the world is worrying. Our Indian bro, in the meantime, came up with the most cringeworthy acronym this year: Japan-America-India alliance to be called… You guessed it JAI! And finally, since Trump’s more a cyber bully who folds in real life, China & the US truced on their tariff war.
Eager Mueller Counter: Well it’s not quite going nuclear but Trump’s former personal lawyer pleaded guilty to something in that big Russia investigation thing headed by Robert Mueller and of course L’Orange said “meh, whatevs”. His former campaign manager was cheeky enough to tell Trump’s team what he was saying to Mueller, and got busted. Anyway, at the end of this massive investigation, even if Trump is found ‘guilty’, the power of alternative facts means that nothing might be done about it. (Also, did you know, Manafort was busted by MS Word when Mueller found he forgot to remove his name from ‘track changes’ in an editorial?)
May day!: Confused about Brexit? Don’t worry - so is everyone else! Here’s all you need to know: No matter what happens, it’s bad for Britain. On Wednesday (also called hump day), the British government conceded that ALL Brexit deals are worse for the economy than staying in the EU. Think of it as being a party-hating jazz snob and voluntarily heading to Sunburn. Anyway, it continues to give us comedy - such as this serial videobomber who’s made it his mission to show up on all pro-Brexit interviews.
By The Way
YouTube Brutus: PewDiePie’s fans are actually buying ad space urging people to subscribe to the channel in its ‘fight’ with T-Series over being the biggest YouTube channel. For a change it’s nice to see that it’s not Indian internet users that are the dumbest.
Nailed to a cruz: Who knew Ted Cruz was a Nine Inch Nails fan? Anyway, he tried to score a guest list to a recent concert and outspoken vocalist Trent Reznor told him to, well, fornicate himself.
Chernoball: There are now Rave parties at the Chernobyl site.
A rested development: In South Korea, there’s a “prison” where you can pay to get admitted and escape the rat-race of life.
Tech
The clock’s ticking: TikTok now has 800 million users, meaning it’s only a matter of time before Mutual Fund companies’ marketing managers start asking their social media agencies “what’s our TikTok strategy?”
Plastic smile: Making apparel out of plastics might save us (a little bit) and give companies some good PR in the bargain.
Fee Fi ho-hum: Google has a new cellphone service as part of project Fi (which is supposedly cheap but fans of Jio are going to have a laugh)
Rediscovered: Is the answer to our cryptic clue of the week: Found out in retrospect the communist is hidden (12). Jack Ma of Alibaba, a man who’s made billions from selling stuff online, is now a member of China’s Communist Party.
LinkedOut
Big brands are paying sci-fi writers to predict their futures!
How Kerala, the land known for its migrant labour force has become a haven for migrants from other states.
George Bush passed away this week. Here’s the fascinating story of his first address to the nation and how they set up a black teenager.
That’s it for this week. To find us outside of this newsletter, head to Twitter (Chuck | Tony). If you would like to tell us something send us an email. We’d love to hear from you. Oh, and if you enjoy reading please send TTS to a friend or sign them up to our subscribers’ list. Until next week, may you feel and look 10 years younger while you set out on a randomly spontaneous pub crawl. Bye!
