The Third Slip: Issue 70 - Hook, line, and Helsinki
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip. The world cup is over but this weekly newsletter is still here. Who would have thought that? We did. You know how people say you should live for the highs in life achieved by constantly striving for excellence at the highest levels? Well, these are the people who die an early death. It is comfortable mediocrity with no expectations that ensures a long life - just like this dismissive missive which is now in its 70th issue!
Now, we’ll be honest. We never paid attention in civics class in school, just like every student ever. And so, we assumed that a ‘no-confidence motion’ is what you experience when you belt a tasty but spicy af meal at Kairali restaurant in Madiwala before taking a 12 hour bus journey and you’re not sure if you’ll um lose your shit somewhere along the way. Turns out we were kind of right, except it’s a spicy Andhra meal that the incumbent government ingested before their 12 hour journey on Friday. Let’s jump in…
At Home
Hug se maango: The first no-confidence motion in 15 years was tabled by the opposition - on record by Kesineni Srinivas of the Telugu Desam Party (yes he owned the Kesineni buses lending further credence to our childish analogy. w00t!) - with the intention of finally getting the incumbent government to answer some basic questions without bulldozing their way through each parliament session. While there were several boring important questions raised during the session and some serious leg-pulling in all directions (turns out a ‘no-confidence motion’ is the constitutional term for ‘roast’) the PM finally replied with a middling speech, reading from notes, and blaming the opposition as usual and then, as expected the motion was defeated comfortably.
The only relative surprise of the day came from Rahul Gandhi who has lately taken the comfortable position of an engineering student looking for a girlfriend with an attitude that says “we love everyone” and ended his speech with a pounce-hug on Narendra Modi thereby scoring some serious political points. The jury is out on whether he will ever be a serious leadership candidate, but one thing is for sure - we need a PM who will be scrutinised, called out on, and held accountable as much as RaGa’s every word and action is. Oh, and for the record, it’s quite obvious that the hug was wrong - not because of the politics of it, but because clearly there was no consent.
Sab mob maya hai: In yet another incident of mob lynching this week, a man was beaten to death in Alwar on suspicion of cow smuggling. Union Minister Arjun Meghwal said that these mob lynchings were happening because Modiji is becoming more popular and then doubled down with the eternal question “what about 1984?” while also condemning the lynchings stifled between two coughs so that the box is ticked. The Supreme Court meanwhile, blamed the frequent incidence of lynchings on the rising “intolerance and polarisation” while urging the parliament to bring in a new law to.. um.. up the vigilante.
Marital Arts: In more court news, which seems to be in the business of establishing basic common sense with its every move, the Delhi High Court this week observed that marriage is not a blanket consent for sex. Basically saying that marital rape is a thing, but also that it cannot create or legislate an offence by making it a crime. Meanwhile, the SC said this week on 377 that they won’t wait for majoritarian governments to make rules if rights are violated indicating that ..um.. consensual sexual acts will soon be legal. Good to know that if the vote bank won’t change we can rely on the veto bank.
Stay (tax) free: In some good news this week, the GST council has decided to make sanitary napkins tax free after a year of protests. This is a huge win, but also, a hygiene requirement in the first place, and will save many lives. Among other decisions, several tax cuts have also been introduced including 10% cuts on washing machines, refrigerators, TVs, vacuum cleaners etc. Are we taxiing into an election year by any chance?
Squash-buckling: If you can't beat em, create an atmosphere of enough harassment and misogyny so they don't come and you win by default. Parents of the Swiss squash #1 refused to send her to play in India. And who can blame them? The tournament is in the same city where an 11 year old girl was continually gangraped by men in her own building. Chennai!!!
Trump Cowers
To Summitup: Trump met Putin in Helsinki and defended Russia AGAINST his own intelligence agencies! As a (Republican!!) Senator said, "I never thought I would see the day when our American president would stand on the stage with the Russian president and place blame on the United States for Russian aggression.".Even FOX News (the only non-fake news channel in the US according to The Donald) said Trump threw his own people under the bus. This is the point things tilt from comedy to tragedy.
From miss-poke to misspoke: But this lasted only a day, don't worry, as the very next day, he said he misspoke and everyone misunderstood him and that he actually thinks Russia could have done it and intelligence agencies rock. What a comedy! We've got memes out of the whole thing, including your 7th standard favourite singer Richard Marx confirming he wouldn't be right here waiting for you (hello crush from 7th grade who thought I wasn’t good enough, this one’s for you).
From fascism to farcism: That’s not all, the comedy looks to extend, as Trump invited his Bae over to the White House. The director of National intelligence learned about this on air, and he couldn't believe his ears.
This nauseating MAGAlomania: The rest of the world is prepared to move on without the US. The EU met China, and then inked the largest ever trade deal, with Japan. Make America Great Again seems to be changing to Make America Redundant For The First Time. Also, the US is now crying because countries hit with tariffs, are imposing their own tariffs. This is like a football team saying offside rule is unnecessary, other team says K bro and then cries like Neymar when the other team does go offside. (Contrived analogy but we're still in the World Cup hangover mode).
Around the world
The phone of Africa: Let’s face it if you were asked with a gun to your head what “The horn of Africa” was, you’d probably say Vuvuzela. But apparently there was a long war between Ethiopia and Eritrea which has just ended and they’ve now resumed normal life, including opening phone lines between the two countries. People from both countries are calling royal strangers from the other side and saying hi!
They knew they may be caught but Tehran with it: This week in lost Frederick Forsyth novels, Israel busted Iran's secret nuke plans and voila, despite claiming they were good boys, the Iranians were making bombs. Naughty naughty (it pains us when Trump is even a little bit right)
Arabing them the wrong way: Israel has officially declared itself as the Land of the Jews. Critics are calling it apartheid, as it excludes the massive Arab population.
Burn ma Burma: Not that we needed more proof, but the whole Rohingya genocide was systematically planned by the Myanmarese military. Their leader is a Nobel Peace Prize winner, remember.
Tayyip writer: Oh look, in Turkey, President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan wrote a 140 page decree making himself stronger.
Another week, another...
Terror strike in Pakistan| Bit of Brexit comedy | Proof that Netflix is pwning TV
Biz and Tech
Loodicrous: It was Prime Day, so Amazon's employees took the opportunity to protest terrible working conditions that have involved deaths, ambulances and no loo breaks.
That’s all Fox: Comcast says I give up, leaving Disney to acquire 21st Century Fox's entertainment assets for 72b dollars. Come on, you want to see that Simpsons-Avengers crossover.
Fuck EU: The EU slapped Google with a 5b $ fine, saying Android stifled competition (you know, by bundling Google Search and Chrome with it). But it won’t perturb Google even a little bit.
Burnberry: Fans of capitalism will be happy to know that Burberry has destroyed 90m pounds worth of goods to keep prices high.
LinkedOut
Yay! A super-diverse French team won, which means no more racism. Right? Wrong. See also, Trevor Noah on the same subject explaining nuance and context.
Karan Thapar tells the story behind that 3-minute interview with Modi, and why the BJP now shuns him.
After a year-long research, the favourite myth that your phone is listening to you to show ads has been debunked.
With content like Sacred Games, how Netflix is betting on India for its next 100m subscribers.
That’s it for this week. Incidentally, we’re looking for our next 100m subscribers from India too. Why not help us along by sending TTS to a friend? If you’d like to get in touch, we’re on Twitter (@notytony and @chuck_gopal). If you have a longer love limerick to share, you can email us. Until next week, may you realise that the only body shape that makes you beautiful is the shape of your smile. Bye!