The Third Slip: Issue 57 - Loya and Order
Hello Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly satirical newsletter that is fairly average, and is mostly unknown despite checking the cornerstones of massive popularity - middling quality and topicality. It might seem accidental to the casual reader, but our astute audience knows the great pains we take to make sure TTS stays mediocre in order to avoid some Hindutva nationalist staking a claim that The Third Slip existed in the Vedic era.
This is issue 57 for the week beginning 22nd April 2018 and our loyal readers will know that we keep banging on about how The Bugle is our biggest influence. The more knowledgeable loyal reader will also ask “From which angle, da?”, and it is time we addressed this question... Tomorrow is John Oliver’s birthday, and also the birthday of one of the co-authors of TTS. This is not a coincidence, this is destiny. If our followers were as gullible as the voters of the world’s largest democracies, we should have our own TV show by now.
On with the news…
India
The Idiocy Imperative: Sometime in the BJP think tank last week...
“Sir, for the first time the mainstream media is criticising us in harsh terms, shouldn’t we do something about this?”
“No, let’s keep quiet. Soon enough one of our elected representatives will earnestly say something mind-bogglingly stupid and divert everyone’s attention, people will forget this and think of how funny it is. And humour makes us endearing to everyone.”
“Wah, ji, wah!”
Soon enough… “Internet existed in the time of Mahabharata says Tripura CM”
Satire Retire: In a double strike this week, the Prime Minister of all he surveys showed us why satirists should just stop trying. He said “I don’t work keeping elections in mind” and also “I welcome criticism… it’s like a goldmine to me”. Like they say, strike the irony while it’s hot. Meanwhile, Yashwant Sinha wrote a letter to his fellow BJP members asking them to speak up, and later in the week quit the party with the words “Democracy is in danger”
Let’s Kathua To The Chase: After finally being told that not doing anything might mean fewer votes, the BJP sprung into action. The result - capital punishment for child rapists. The bigger problem remains: Only 3/10 rapists are charged in the first place. Still, much like how even Pigeon Manchurian is welcomed by engineering college hostel students, a justice-starved, rape-replete India will welcome this. Also, it’s clear that this is rattling the BJP’s carefully-primed image, in J&K and across the country.
A new Loya: You could have seen this coming a light year away: The judge who was looking at a case against The Cuddly Murderer Magazine’s Man of The Year, 2002-2018, Amit Shah, was found dead in shady circumstances. And despite damning evidence that he was murdered, the Supreme Court decided that he died of natural causes. It’s actually true because stifling justice in India has now become natural.
There were naturally calls for an independent probe, which the SC rejected, following which top judges have filed a call for impeachment against the CJI. Get your popcorn, this promises to be fun.
TTS Word of The Week - Capegoat: A superhero who is sacrificed and sidelined for the errors of others. This week, Atishi Marlena who did some stellar work for schools in Delhi was fired by the centre. Also, let’s not forget Dr. Kafeel Khan from Gorakhpur who is still in jail.
Clear your cash: Forget Silicon Valley, it’s Season 2 of Demonetization! Cash crunch! Long ATM lines! A potential new Kunal Kamra video! Yes, it’s all here, folks - with DeMon S02E01! Watch as the BJP bumbles for answers (opposition took all the money) as an incompetent opposition bumbles even more (Nirav Modi took all the money!). In the meantime nobody pays attention to actual experts - it’s good ol’ fashioned decibel wars, which will make you feel like it’s Nov 2016 all over again!
Mooh Maya: In this alleged paragraph of the alleged newsletter we shall discover that the alleged kingpin of the Naroda Patiya massacre in 2002, Maya Kodnani, is actually innocent according to the alleged Gujarat High Court. Are you actually shocked? Wait till 2023, when the alleged year 2002 will forever be taken out of the calendar.
International
Black Coffee: A week after a Starbucks barista called the police on two black men who dared to sit inside its store in Philly, strong social media backlash has led the coffee giant to issue a strong PR campaign. It will close all its stores in the US on the afternoon of May 29 for racial-bias education. Hurray, only 5 weeks to the end of racism, you guys!
The Six Degrees of Right Wing Separation: Incredibly, Trump’s doofus lawyer (who is under investigation for that whole porn star payoff thing) is apparently the attorney for FOX News’ Trumpaholic Sean Hannity! You can now technically connect Stormy Daniels to Rupert Murdoch: And this fun board game looks like it’s just getting started! We may not need as many as 6 degrees though, the Trump-Russia climax looks like it could come at any moment.
Escape Fellow’s-city: Oh, look - the next NASA chief has no background in science, thinks climate change is a hoax and hates gays. Ironically, he’ll be overseeing a department that might want to help humanity flee from the planet.
Putting the “lit” in Pulitzer: Reporters who were instrumental in exposing Harvey Weinstein won Pulitzers. As did, surprisingly, Kendrick Lamar.
Character Limit: In China, people are taking to the streets after their version of Twitter, Sina Weibo, banned gay content. We’re surprised only because we just learned China decriminalized homosexuality 20 years ago AND that Chinese people can protest!
Nuke & Cranny: Well, wow, North Korea wants to denuclearize. Not too many people are sure how to respond to this. Hopefully Trump won’t go and screw it all up, though we all know he’s going to try and take credit for it.
Stories that will develop
US bombing Syria
Bolton (National Security Advisor): LET’S BOMB THE CRAP OUT OF SYRIA
Trump: Should we? Hmm.. Oooh look a cheeseburger, ya ya do what you like
Mattis (Secretary of Defense): ffs calm down
ComeyNow!: (We’re Comey fans here at TTS, but even we couldn’t help but feel a lot of his bluster this week was in aid of book sales)
AR Rahman: This is some really cool shit: Eminem tried an AR concert at Coachella!
Tech
Most 2018 headline yet: Pornhub will accept cryptocurrency.
Pay per like: People might not pay for a Facebook subscription, but just introducing the option might make the company seem progressive and empowering.
Google Ogles: You might end up #deletingfacebook, but will you #deletegoogle? They probably have more info on you (since when have you been using Gmail? ah!)
STFU: Oh joy, Chrome 66 will automatically mute videos that autoplay in your browser window. No need for sheepish grins directed towards your cubicle mates now.
Bada Musk-il hai: Tesla’s annus horriblis continues - Model 3 (the cheap car) production is stalled, with Musk making the epic statement, “Excessive automation at Tesla was a mistake… Humans are underrated.” Musk though doesn’t seem too worried - he announced that “SpaceX will try to bring rocket upper stage back from orbital velocity using a giant party balloon… And then land on a bouncy house”.
Netflix & Chillar: One company that’s booming? Netflix - it crossed $100b last month and already climbing up towards $150b.
Trivia: Which city in India has the best 4G availability? Surprisingly, Patna. Deserves a pat on the back, na?
LinkedOut
“Modi undermines Nehru” the author should go to Pakistan (except… The author is from Pakistan. Oh).
Bye bye, Castros.
The Nintendo Labo might be the coolest toy that’s come out in years!
A Modi apologist’s guide to coming back from the dark side (satire).
Arsene Wenger has been at the helm of Arsenal for 22 years. That’s practically all our lives, and as kids we wondered at some point if the club was named after the man. He announced he is stepping down at the end of the season. A fitting portrait of an icon.
That’s it for this week. Love The Third Slip? Subscribe, and share it with a friend. If you’d like to reach us, we’re on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). Or better yet, share your thoughts with us over email. Parting thought: given how bad handwriting signals intelligence (think doctors) do you think a handwritten TTS would be funnier? Until next week, may life surprise you in the form of a suspiciously large crate of beer that awaits you at home. Bye!