The Third Slip: Issue 53 - Don’t keep it in your pants!
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to the second year of The Third Slip. Year two is a very important one. That’s right, this is the year in which we may learn to communicate better, maybe look less cute as we begin to lose some baby fat, but definitely have smellier poop. Hey, no one said growing up is attractive.
This is issue fifty-three, or as the Rev. Spooner would have called it issue thrifty fee. Now hang on, we are not suggesting that The Third Slip is going to go behind a paywall in year two. You’ve been with us long enough to know that we say random things just for the wordplay. What do you mean you don’t know that? Oh, you’re new here? Gulp. G’luck mate. On with the news!
Sports
For a newsletter that claims to be inspired by The Bugle, we rarely cover sport here. The shrewd reader might think that this is because Chuck stopped following cricket and mugging up stats like Andy Zaltzman, and Tony’s funny quotient has deteriorated from surreal humour to just surreal. But, really it’s because The Third Slip’s tone of voice is “apocalyptic cheer” and sports bring nothing but joy and world peace. So why a sports section now? You guessed depressingly accurately.
That’s not cricket!: We always assumed that the Aussies got more reverse swing than other teams because their naturally high abrasiveness rubbed off on the cricket ball as well. It seems that’s not the case as on Saturday, the cameras caught Cameron Bancroft shoving a piece yellow tape/sandpaper into his pants and when questioned by the umpires, he showed them a harmless piece of cloth and the umpires believed him because you know sometimes a dog can look like a rat.
Steve Smith admitted that the leadership team was aware of this, and after massive outrage including strong condemnation from the Aus Prime Minister, stepped down as captain. Incidentally, this takes place a year after the Bangalore brain fade (Pate-Gate?) and now (word)Smith seems to have gone for its anagram - Tape-gate. This is still a developing story, but one thing is for sure - the Australian team looks quite jaundiced right now and it has nothing to do with their team colours. Sorry for rubbing it in, but that’s what Bancroft did to the ball as well.
Not all sportsmen: Leave it to Zlatan to cheer you up. He announced his arrival at LA Galaxy with a full-page ad in LA Times. (Imagine the cropped pic below with lots more whitespace)
India
No smoke without smoke: Taking the saying ‘fight fire with fire’ a little too seriously, a mahayaga was organised in Meerut to curb air pollution by… burning 50 tons of wood.
Members of Parliament: As Sushma Swaraj broke the news that 39 Indians were killed by ISIS in Iraq, fellow dicks members of parliament just created a ruckus about other things. At this point, it’s hard to think of a life form lower than Indian politicians - maybe they misunderstood the phrase “connecting with the grassroots” (but hey, at least they haven’t teargassed the Parliament yet like Kosovo did) (wow, Kosovo is a country?)
Commute my sentence: After last week’s megahit farmer protest, it was now the turn of unemployed railway apprentices who were frustrated that Skill India didn’t give them jobs and blocked trains. Coupled with the Ola-Uber strike, commuters in the city at least saw the din in Acche Din. (Hey, France’s railway workers are protesting too!)
Yogi Bares: The UP CM is basically using his power to scrap all the cases… Against himself. He promised an end to the ‘jungle raj’ of the state, remember. But fair enough, by removing all those pesky communal violence cases, he’s now freed up the courts so they can look at more pressing matters like Muslims eating beef and youngsters having consensual sex.
Clear your cash: As per the latest RBI report, cash in the economy ATM (at the moment, not the other thing) is greater than when demonetisation was announced. This is the full version of the DeMo.
What’s a firewall?: Data privacy concerns? Indians need not worry because apparently our Aadhaar data is protected by a 13 feet high, 5 feet thick wall according to Attorney General KK Venugopal. Phew, and here we were worried digital data may not be safe from stray dogs and scavenging crows. Now the only people who can access your data are pole vaulters (when has India ever had a great pole vaulter?), or anyone with a half decent knowledge of digital hacking. Oh, wait.
News that surprises exactly 0 people
Won’t be Put Out: Vladimir Putin ‘won’ the Russian ‘elections’. He’ll be around for another 6 years… Or in important terms, another presidential election.
Going through a bad Phasebook: Investigations showed that the Trump-supported data firm Cambridge Analytica misused 50 million Americans’ personal data during the Elections, with the explicit goal of targeting people based on their fears. This caused several headaches for Facebook (including a call to testify), who in a fit of anger suspended the account of the whistleblower. (Oh yay, look who’s drawing cartoons again)
What the Zuck?: What’s worse for Facebook is that Mark & Sheryl are conspicuous by their absence - with the media or with employees. Poke, maybe? There’s a fair amount of public anger over Facebook right now, with some even calling for it to be deleted - most surprisingly, the man who sold his company to them for $19b - Whatsapp’s co-founder. We would support #deleteFacebook too, but then what would people do at work all day?
If it weren’t for those meddling feds: As things started getting uncomfortably close, Trump’s team wants special counsel Mueller to stop probing into the Russian meddling into the elections. The only thing surprising here is that it took so long for this moment to arrive. And forget whatever show you’re binge-watching on Netflix, the Intelligence Community vs Trump tweet-war is the most enthralling show around these days.
The US-ual Oh, look - another US school shooting and massive tariffs on China (which will hurt his voter base the most ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ )
News that shouldn’t surprise people
If you park in an illegal spot in China or have a lot of debt, or criticize the government, you could get ‘poor social credit’. Which means you might not be able to board a plane or train anymore.
Venezuela’s economy is so bad, that people trust Bitcoin - the Afridi of money - more. Keep in mind, this is the country with the world’s largest oil reserves.
Some nutter went around bombing Austin, Texas. He finally blew himself up. Since he was white, we presume he was mentally disturbed, not a terrorist. Next.
Remember Sudan, the world’s last white rhino who joined Tinder last year? Well he is no more :(
News that did surprise people
Myanmar’s ignorer-in-chief Aung San Suu Kyi is actually seeking humanitarian help for the Rohingya. Maybe someone told her that the Nobel Peace Prize that she won might actually be taken away?
Well, every great comedy show runs its course - and the 21st century’s most hilarious one - Brexit Negotiations - looks like its season finale will air in March 2019. Ah, we’re going to miss all the fun.
Former The Bugle star (yes, he’ll always be that to us), John Oliver’s parody of Mike Pence’s bunny book outsold the original. Someday, TTS will have more subscribers than TOI (haha and you thought we weren’t funny)
This week in Useless Products Now Connected To The Internet
Bonus: Useless product not connected to the internet: A four-neck bass guitar
Business
WOW you can now get Blackberry swag for forcing people to buy Blackberry WOW WOW WOW
Oh no. The first fatality to arise out of a self-driving car.
Increasingly, consumers (and regulators) are getting serious about consumer data privacy - for instance, a new European Law is coming soon. But hey, tech giants don’t need to worry - there are several people who’d rather sell their souls than pay a small fee so they can keep seeing cat videos.
YouTube is being refreshingly honest - it’s going to frustrate users till they pay.
LinkedOut
Guess who’s looking forward to the 2020 Japan Olympics the most? Local condom manufacturers, looking to show off and sell loads of their ultrathin sheaths.
The white rhino will not be the last. Can humans save the planet by occupying only half its land in cities?
Why we fell for clean eating. On fad diets.
The world definitely needs to build more bridges, but here’s the simple algorithm ants use.
That’s all for this week. If you would like to get in touch with us, we’re on Twitter (Tony | Chuck) and oh yeah we’re also old enough to still be on email where we shall await your fan mails with bated breath. At last count, we’ve received fewer emails than adequate for characters in a reasonable password. If you enjoy The Third Slip, subscribe and share it with a friend. If you don’t enjoy The Third Slip, which one of Chuck or Tony is making you read this while breathing down your neck? (No, don’t look up at me, please read till the end and comment.) Until next week, don’t build 13 feet high walls, build bridges. Bye!