The Third Slip: Issue 50 - Holi Moli, A Half Century!
Wow, we’ve made it to Issue 50! Who would have thought, one year ago, when… Oh wait. This is why all time thingies should have round numbers. Senti speech in 2 issues then. But yeah, 50’s a pretty momentous thing, still, so we’re going to celebrate by introducing some quality into what we do: Namely, by using YOUR help! So, pick the most esoteric nonsense that you can find over the course of the week and tweet it to us (Tony, Chuck) or mail us! Find that section below. For now, a roundup of stuff that’s happened. It’s been a kooky week. Settle down with a drink. If you don’t like alcohol, try buttermilk. Made by your dad. After all, this is issue (wait for it) pa chaas.
By the way, if a friend has forwarded this to you, or you can't figure out where to subscribe - here!
HOME SWEET HOME
PNB Aftermath (and we use the term ‘math’ carefully) Yes, the country’s pissed. Arun Jaitley’s also pissed - that a scam happened during the NDA ‘anti-corruption’ regime (nobody was supposed to know that the government knew all along). Of course, public consciousness was distracted - the media were competing for the worst way to handle Sridevi’s death. The media still have a chance to redeem themselves - since it’s likely there are several more bank-related frauds to come: It’s like when a best-of-3 changes to a best-of-7, media edition. And keen to show that they’re still the veterans of the scam trade, the Congress made a comeback with Chidambaram’s son being taken to custody for some creative accounting practices.
The ‘Hindustan Leaver’ joke comes full circle Our scams are going international! South Africa has slapped Bank of Baroda with criminal charges for suppressing suspicious activity. Side note: We also seem to have exported outrage over river bodies - an Egyptian singer has been jailed for - you guessed it - insulting the Nile.
Saffrun with it Well, love ‘em or hate ‘em, you can’t argue with the fact that they’re winning. And winning well. The BJP controls a lot of India, with its latest victories in the North-East. Oh well, at least we can expect some good protest metal music from that region.
Cheat masala Students in UP dropped out of school because they could no longer cheat. This is like an ad agency dropping out of a pitch because they were told they could no longer recycle ideas from previous pitches.
The good news section: Because every dark turd has silver fertilizer (metaphorically)
Arise, Sir GDP Yay, our GDP has grown to 7.2%. (So yes, kudos to the government for that, kudos to Indians for doing that despite the D and G words).
Flee Market Just like it took a Nirbhaya case for the government to get serious about women’s safety (or pretend to), it took a Nirav Modi for the center to consider a bill to seize assets of fleeing defaulters who owe over 100 crores. We’ll be back, we’re applying for a 99 crore loan.
The breast news all week That Kerala is progressive is a well-known fact (why else would two people from there waste time writing a weekly newsletter?). This week, that became a globally-known fact as Mallu magazine Grihalakshmi showed a model breastfeeding, to convey a message. It polarized opinion, as expected. So far, culture-protectors - the Sanghis - haven’t reacted.
THE MAGA SECTION
It’s been an interesting week to say the least, if you follow US politics.
Parkland Aftermath Woah, this time it looks like America means it. Trump shocked everybody (in a good way) by being keen on gun control, but later tweeted he had a great meeting with (the turds at) the NRA. He did, however, reassure us that he would have run into the school to stop the shooting, even unarmed (phew!).
Companies are taking matters into their own hands - several companies are cutting ties with the NRA, and Walmart & Dick’s Sporting Goods - two of the biggest gun retailers - aren’t waiting for Congress, they’ve raised minimum purchase age to 21. This raises a more important question - Walmart sells guns?!
A Moan Of Steel Trump increased import tariffs on steel and aluminium. Who’s celebrating? The 10 people who work in the US steel industry. Who’s facepalming? Every other American industry(and eventually, consumers - that beer just got more expensive), the stock market and steel-exporting companies, many of whom were allies. Oh well, MAGA and all that.
Ivanka fell on her husband who… Kusher (sorry) The human embodiment of the word ‘slimy’, Trump’s son-in-law Jared K, got his security downgraded, meaning he no longer has access to confidential information to do his job (but one could argue that lack of ‘intelligence’ hasn’t stopped anyone in this administration). Also, keeping White House HR busy, comms director Hope Hicks resigned. So far, 20 people have resigned / been kicked out / had enough. The old TTS theory that Trump aims to solve unemployment by giving everyone a shot at The White House doesn’t seem like a far-fetched idea now, does it?
Also this The dude who was the digital director for Trump’s 2016 campaign is now his 2020 campaign manager. North Korea and the US might start talking! The US Supreme Court rejected Trump’s request to speed up the decision on immigrants, which should tell him they’re not his to dictate.
INTERMISSION: NEW SECTION: CROWDSOURCED CRAP
To celebrate Edition 50, we introduce a new section - where YOU send in the nuttiest things you’ve read / seen (no serious news please - we subscribe to Quartz and Vox for that!). This week, longtime TTS sufferer reader noise_segar sent us this glorious piece of news: T20 Mumbai League teams - Mumbai Northwest, North, North Central, North East, South and South Central. Not sure whether it is a cricket league or Mumbai's local train system!
Editor's note: Like we needed more confusion. Mumbai Central is on the Western Line. Good luck with Mumbai Northwest traveling from Ghatkopar East on the Central Line to Mumbai Central on the Western Line.
AROUND THE WORLD
Absolutely horrific This doesn’t get as much airtime / news-feed-time as it should: People in Syria are being killed by their own government - thanks to a combination of the two most evil men alive, Putin and Assad. It’s hard not to see these images and not be thankful - atheist or otherwise - that you’re not born in that region. If you’d like to help, Khalsa Aid is doing some terrific work on-ground. To complete the Trinity of Evil, North Korea might be supplying chemical weapons. At this point it feels like the whole thing is a Michael Crichton novel, we just hope it has a happy ending.
Xi-ing Into The Future The Chinese President, already one of the most powerful leaders the country has seen, has pushed for a term limit abolishment which means he could stay in power… For ever. In another era, the US might have tried to intervene, but in this case, the Leader Of The Free World is probably just jealous.
Karacheechee Close pals China and Saudi Arabia broke up with Pakistan (kinda), paving the way for it to be placed on a global terrorism watchlist.
Zero subtlety needed Putin’s state of the nation address included animations of nuclear missiles trained towards Florida and the free angry rhetoric that comes with the package. What a nice man!
Phrase of the week: ‘Pipeline Diplomacy’: To describe the new Turkmenistan, Afghanistan, India, Pakistan (TAPI) natural gas pipeline, as the war-torn nation (er, Afghanistan, to be sure) struggles to get back on its economic feet
Other stuff around the world
Venezuela’s political future : Still wonkier than a PNB stock document.
Germany - still the hope of the world - has allowed cities to now ban diesel cars.
A QUICK TECH ROUNDUP
Living in a stream Spotify has gone public and Amazon Music comes to India.
Global domination update Amazon bought a smart home products company.
Cell is the most important… Mobile World Congress just happened. And yes, there were lots of iPhone X ripoffs, and Android Go to make cheap smartphones better.
Lunar Data gets a new meaning Vodafone & Nokia are trying to get 4G to the moon (!). Imagine someone on the ISS being kept on hold and being told that their call ‘is important to us’.
Forwarded as received Whatsapp is testing a much-needed feature: Marking messages as spam / fake news.
Needless gadget of the week Fearing they were falling behind Facebook in the ‘creepy’ race, Google introduces a camera that just… Sits there, is on all the time, identifies people around you and automatically captures ‘interesting’ moments.
LinkedOut
Did you know what Chernobyl is reinventing itself as a solar farm?
An incredible article on Wired from 1997, which talks about the new rules for the new internet economy - prescient and valid even 20 years later.
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So there we go, edition 50 of your favourite weekly satire-news-roundup newsletter is done, we hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed it enough to forward to your friends (or just hand their email IDs over, that'll also do - the subsequent scam will help us more).
Got suggestions? Feedback? Stuff we reported wrong (like last week's Pakistan-Mandarin thing, sorry about that). Or just... Say hi, it'll be nice to know you exist and aren't a Russian clickfarm.