The Third Slip: Issue 48: Winkers Never Quit
Hello, Slippers and welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that raises one eyebrow at a time to question the state of the world and then proceeds to slyly wink at its audience in an attempt to make them believe that there is humour involved. After which, the internet goes crazy about these satire varriers warriors and follows them by the millions while they become sellouts influencers for major brands. No wait, that’s the winkle winkle little star.
This is issue 48 of The Third Slip. This means we’ve completed four dozen issues of the newsletter that is an excellent antidote for dozin’. What a week it has been with crazy headlines trying to get you down as always, but one in which two harbingers of hope from across the globe refused to give up and created a delicious Earth Sandwich. Everyone can go home now.
For anyone who’s still around, here’s the unimportant news…
Top story of the week: LoU Is In The Air!
The romantic story this Valentine’s Week is between jeweller Nirav Modi and Punjab National Bank. The latter sent out Letters of Understanding (LoU) to various other banks saying “yes, this chap is sound, lend him lots of money, if he doesn’t pay back, we will”. And lend they did - to the tune of 11k crores, in what is a refreshing headline throwback to the days of the Congress (we missed those big numbers). Apparently, the government was alerted by the CBI that some nonsense was happening but they didn’t pay attention to the memo. Modi’s family did, though - and they all fled the country. PNB ended up lending 11k crores without knowing it. Predictably, the Congress and BJP are saying "you started it" to each other. It’s good to know where your taxpayer money is going, isn’t it?
Other domestic news
New old blood: Rahul Gandhi dissolved the Congress’ top body to put his own team in place. Apparently he will select from the “talent pool available to him”. One presumes he will do this in the same way someone picks from the “meat and seafood platter” at a Tambrahm wedding dinner.
Water now?: The Supreme Court tried to solve the long-standing Kaveri water distribution issue, but just like a company making dodgy umbrellas, the true test will come during monsoon.
Everyone <3 the Christians (conditions apply): A Hindutva party and a secular party are tripping over each other trying to provide a Jerusalem tour to the Nagas, proving that the only religion both actually believe in is… Votes.
Mini Rapidex Section: Adaar - mallu slang for kickass. As in “Oru adaar love” (One kickass love story). Not to be confused or linked with Aadhaar. *wink*
Phrase providing LOLerance this week: “Competitive intolerance”, by Rohan Venkataramakrishnan in Scroll.
Insta gram-flour worthy: Bhangra-loving darling-of-Buzzfeed Canadian PM Justin Trudeau is coming to India. On the agenda: plz buy more besan from us (for real).
Around the world
Here’s a nice algorithm for the US
If (mass_shooting==true)
{
If (killer.race==white) output “Mentally disturbed
Else output “terrorist”;
check (speech) ignore:terms (“guns”) include:terms (“prayers”);
gun_control = gun_control - 1;
} verify.nra (object “suck.balls”) = true;
This convenient algorithm has worked 28 times so far in 2018. In 45 days.
Heartwarming != Competence The symbolic ‘unified’ Korean hockey team lost to Switzerland 8-0, proving that what’s good for global news might not necessarily be good for trophy cabinets. Perhaps it’s time to stop wondering what a unified India-Pakistan cricket team would have been like. Also, while Russia was banned from the Olympics, they did make their presence felt - you know, in the same way they made their presence felt in the US elections? In other winter Olympics news, people thought it was sponsored by Pepsi because the South Korea flag rendition looked pretty close to the Pepsi logo. Winter Olympics branding win for a cold drink.
Doomsday Clock Accelerator Section An oil tanker sank in the East China Sea a month ago. Optimists hoped that this would lead to nothing worse than the company being featured on Last Week Tonight, but the predictable has happened, especially since it’s one of the most fished areas in that region. Still probably healthier than eating Bangda fished off Juhu Beach, though. Also ticking the clock uncomfortably 12-wards is the US killing several Russians in Syria, something that will make Vlad Hulk mad.
Copycats! The US unveiled an infrastructure plan & budget which are gloriously unfeasible and nobody knows where the money is going to come from - something which everyone said of the Indian budget last month. We were there first. Jai Hind and all that, blokes! (Also, the budget is as regressive as you can imagine).
Cats copy Can there be a story about poaching that makes you smile? Rarely. In South Africa this week, when a poacher refused to swallow his pride and walk away from lions, the pride swallowed him. They left his head behind, presumably because it was empty anyway.
Putting the ‘ow’ in Moscow 13 Russians have now been proven to have interfered with the US 2016 Elections, though Trump still thinks no. Robert Mueller says Russia acted like an ad agency - meaning they did all this just so they could enter the Effies. You have to commend their dedication and consistency - they’ve already started doing pro-gun trolling after the Parkland shooting.
The greatest Trump’s record-breaking first year: However, the records are mostly things like ‘President with staff highest attrition rate’. Also, the US Senate cannot agree on what to do with immigrants.
Boorish Johnson How badly did your Valentine’s Day wooing go? As bad as Boris Johnson trying to woo ‘Remain’ voters?
Why do South Africans love Lipton? They’re Proteas Jacob Zuma (aka the man who tarnished the party of Nelson Mandela) finally stepped down (or was kicked out, same difference) and Cyril Ramaphosa has taken his place. Zuma was ousted because of corruption scandals, something that’s happening to Israel’s Ben Netanyahu, by the way.
Business & Tech
Start worrying! Amazon is downsizing as it automates more businesses. India will not be safe as they apparently over-hired here.
Usually, corporate news about FMCG giants talks about how evil they are - but here is Unilever using its scale for good - threatening to pull out of FB and Google advertising till they do something to clamp down on fake news and protect users. This is super refreshing, especially when the cynical authors assumed the reasons to be ‘low click through rate’, ‘low organic reach’, etc.
The world’s largest hedge fund wants nothing to do with European stocks - their own Brexit, you could say.
Now even Google Search might get ‘stories’. There is no escape. Meanwhile, the company’s browser, Chrome, will come with its own ad-blocking technology.
Trivia Section
Iceland will use more electricity doing what than powering homes this year? Mining Bitcoins.
This week we learned that “drinking the Kool Aid” should actually be “drinking the Flavor Aid” (which is a different, competing brand)
LinkedOut
Oxford Comma fans can feel smug now - the lack of one led to a $5m case.
Today in Dr. Tambrahm Aunty news: Desperate to find a rare frog a mate, scientists have created a profile for him on match.com.
The absolute must read story of the week: Inside the Two Years That Shook Facebook and the World.
How a 20-year-old from the land of fake news tricked Martina Navratilova, Serena Williams, and the BBC. Enough said.
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