The Third Slip: Issue 47 - I need some space
Hello, Slippers and welcome to issue 47 The Third Slip. 47 in Hindi is sanethalis, the antonym of what your favourite vegetarian restaurant serves for lunch - insane thalis. And so, this issue is not going to be as tasty, nourishing, or fulfilling as that meal you're thinking about now, but on the bright side, this will take only about the time it takes you to demolish the first course in that thali. Bon appetit.
What a week it's been, one in which the wokest bae of them all Justin Trudeau interrupted a woman to tell her that it should be "Peoplekind" and not "Mankind" and that "Mankind" was not cool, at which point Mick Foley immediately administered the Mandible Claw on Trudeau forcing him to tap out. While recovering from the finishing move Trudeau said, "I wouldn't have submitted if it was the Peopledible Claw". If you never followed WWE in the 90s, you can safely ignore the last bit. If you did follow it, then please could you tell us WTF Dude Love was? But wait, where were we? Oh yeah, the news...
Extraterrestrial
Not all superheroes wear space: Musk, Elon is the incarnation of awesomeness that was created by the universe to counterbalance the shameful fruit Musk Melon which it had unleashed upon mankind personkind to meet a deadline amidst a severe creative block (seriously, who eats that fruit?! Nobody, that’s why they serve it on airplanes.) The Tesla tales slate registered the elevation of Musk’s game to an all-new orbit this week with the launch of SpaceX’s Falcon Heavy with a dummy payload of a Tesla Roadster put into orbit, complete with a mannequin called Starman in a real spacesuit and plenty of Easter eggs.
TTS Unnecessary Speculation: Considering how Elon Musk started the Boring Company in a series of 3 tweets because traffic drove him nuts, it is not inconceivable that SpaceX was started when an ex-girlfriend told Musk “I need some space”.
Terra Firma
India
Tryst With Dynasty - Memorable speech made by an Indian PM: In unreleased issues of Bal Narendra, the illustrated tales of our brave PM in his childhood days, there is one episode where he is pulled up by his teacher for failing to complete his tasks. Unflinchingly, the brave Bal Narendra replies “Nehru ate my homework”, and the teacher sympathises with him and awards him extra credit. Speaking in parliament this week, the man who needed just 60 months to fix India blamed Nehru for the partition and the Congress for leaving him with a messy economy. You know that friend of yours who was charming at first but then keeps moping on and on about his break up and bores you to death? Why did we bring him up? Oh, no reason.
The pakoda will give you enlightenment: Don’t like the lack of meaningful job creation in India? Go to Pakodastan. This was the message delivered by the PM when he said selling Pakodas is also a form of employment. But season 2 of the chai-pakoda battle (oh what a lofty platform democracy is) seems to have gone against the BJP with the opposition seizing on the statements. Several Modi Pakodas were sold around India by students and degree holders in protest. In addition to besan and batter, the ingredients in the Pakoda also included GST.
Shut up women:
There was a party bothered by a woman’s laughter
They asked the Soorpanakha to go see a doctor after
And there’s reason to fear
Coz girls are drinking beer
Oh my lord, could it get any dafter?
Something official about it: The ICC gets its first independent female director - PepsiCo CEO Indira Nooyi. Good to see that the ICC finally lays emphasis on climbing over the male mountain, dew importance must be given on having different perspectives. If it has learned anything in the past, it is that Cheetos never prosper. Nooyi can serve for a maximum of 6 years or till it’s 7 up. She’s an excellent choice, Nooyi is of strong character and nothing can Quaker boots and it’ll be good for the ICC to Get-her-aid. Sorry for droning on in this slice of the newsletter, this tropicana wanna makes you go on.
Fun
LOL #1: Can’t make this stuff up: Police in Scotland reached a yard to neutralise a loose tiger. After 45 minutes, they stopped the operation because the tiger was a stuffed toy. In unrelated news, the police received a call from a boy identified only as Calvin about his missing tiger.
LOL #2: Domain-tricks will punish you: In 2018, if someone were to say a story that said Modi breaks the internet, it is unlikely that one would be able to work out that it is a hilarious story about the BCCI website going down because Lalit #BlastFromThePast Modi owns a bunch of BCCI related domains and didn’t pay the bill. But, the truth, is stranger than Richard Nixon.
TTS Nerdy Trivia: The second Friday of February marks “Fatty Solstice” or the day on which your New Year fitness resolution wanes. If you’re in that zone, get off the couch and do some exercise - like telling your friends about TTS.
International
Off again on again: The US government shutdown in January restarted then almost ran out of battery and nearly shut down again before someone found a type C charger and plugged it in just in time. This week saw a record-breaking 8-hour speech by Nancy Pelosi (if she had tied with the previous long speech, we could have said Nancy Drew. Why do facts get in the way of puns?). Finally, a massive spending bill which was opposed by some Republicans was passed in record time to ensure that the government didn’t shut down again.
Parade Charade: Trump despite his many redeeming qualities (Error 404: Page not found) operates with the mental capacity of a younger sibling in 1st standard who wants a geometry box just because his elder sibling got one because he is in 5th standard (some of this stuff may be autobiographical). And so, Trump asked for a military parade “like the one in France”. He is nothing if not consistently petty and megalomaniacal (okay, too much autobiographical content in one para).
Don’t say a word about Poland! (Sly high fives to all Mallus around the world): In a post-fact world, there is no universal version of the truth. There is your truth, my truth and the history textbooks that we rewrite as per our convenience. This week, Poland passed a law that imposes a jail sentence on anyone saying the country was complicit in the Holocaust. What’s that you said? Freedom of speech? Hahahahaha, you poor idiot.
Tech
Payer to payer network: Settling your drinkage bills is about to get easier with WhatsApp rolling out person to person payment in beta in India. The system would work on the United Payments Interface (UPI) and you can settle the morning-after bill as easy as a handshake. Why are they not calling this Bill ShakesPayer? (Oh, you cringed at that? But when Stephan Pastis does it it’s all funny. Hmmph)
Google is doing just fine: There's a reason why The Third Slip is a small publication for a niche audience because no one really wants to read it - to remain young, hip, and as cool as Benedict Cucumberbatch and not be pressured into doing things for growth. It feels like just yesterday when Google was all that, doing cool things like asking you if you meant recursion when you searched for recursion. But then a few years of relentless capitalism later, their credo of "Don't be evil" has had an addendum of "unless it makes money." The Competition Commission of India has slapped Google with a 5% revenue fine for “Search Bias” stifling competition and thereby harming consumers. We guess google will shrug it off and say “What search bias? People will still search by us”
LinkedOut
The most cray cray story you will ever read. Mutant Crayfish is cloning itself.
A war between the US and North Korea won’t be as bad as you imagine. It will be much worse.
All hail the internet of things. The house that spied on me.
The scary world of Amazon Go. Ignore the cringey headline, who makes a terrible pun in a headline anyway?
That's it for this week. Congratulations, you've made it to the end. Go get yourself that insane thali now and don't go easy on the papadams. Would you like to share a thali with us? Or send us a virtual beer? You can reach us on Twitter (Tony | Chuck) or send us your thoughts via email. No, seriously send us your thoughts. Until next week, don't get beaten up by the saintly upholders of our culture on Valentine's Day. Bye!