The Third Slip: Issue 43 - Democracy: Court and Bowled
Hello Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip, the weekly newsletter that’s intrepid and intends to infuse information interspersed with intelligent <insert alliterative word for humour>... We’re so non-conformist that we don't even finish sentences, and while the whole world makes new year resolutions to start running we have decided not to run. We’re standing right here and making jokes at everything that’s running around us. Because smiles are more important than miles. And also because fat jokes are funny only when they’re self-deprecating (No, your mother is not fat.)
This is issue 43. 43 is the answer to the “ultimate question of Life, The Universe, and Everything” according to our JEE answer sheet, the result of a tiny miscalculation that explains why neither of us went to an IIT and are stuck here pfaffing like pfaffers do. Other than that the number 43 is wholly unremarkable unless you are a fan of Heegner numbers (don’t bother). Oh well, that’s not why you’re here. Let’s get on with it - New Year, News Me…
At home
Courting controversy: Guess who took the new year new me resolution seriously? The most senior judges of the Supreme Court gave an unprecedented press conference to say that they believed “democracy was in danger” and that the Chief Justice of India was acting arbitrarily in allotting cases - suggesting that there was a hint of attempting to influence cases. This comes in the backdrop of the sudden death of Justice Loya while he was hearing a case in which Amit Shah was the prime accused. How very anti-national of the senior-most judges of the Supreme Court? They need to be taught some patriotism.
In more Supreme Court acting like they are anti-nationals news, they opened up hope that Section 377 would be scrapped & the government told the Supreme Court (note kisne kisse kaha!) that playing the anthem in theatres is not mandatory thus automatically improving the phrase “the stand-up comedy scene in India”.
Best e-commerce deal yet!: Move over, Big Billions Days sale! You can now buy Aadhaar info for 500 rupees. Try finding a deal better than that, we say! (Still too cheap to buy? With some simple tinkering, you can find everyone’s passwords!). But hey, at least all this spurred UIDAI to come out with Virtual ID for Aadhaar - something more secure. Better late than never. Fun Fact: Despite begging, pleading, and cajoling its readers for validation through comments and shares, “The Third Slip” lost out to “Aadhaar” in 2017’s Most Insecure Awards.
Where do sickular libtards go from here?: The common refrain is ‘Go to Pakistan’ or ‘look at our jawans’. But what if said jawans itself are asked to go to Pakistan? And it wasn’t some random troll, it was ‘Before’ Model For Gym Ads poster boy of the year Nitin Gadkari who told army people to bugger off from posh South Bombay and go guard some borders or something.
Party Animals are the best people - the ones who don’t let a silly flipping of the calendar change them, the ones who are flipping off the calendar instead. The party of transparency, the BJP, allows individuals to buy electoral bonds without disclosure. They’re also the party of development, clearly, as they’re carrying forward their UP-and-Gujarat-tested formula of communal toxicity in poll-bound Karnataka. Politicians are busy falling over themselves to make a march on Dalit pride all about themselves, inciting violence. Also, in a welcome U-turn from we’d rather die than allow this policy when they were in the opposition, the government brought in 100% FDI in single-brand retail (hello, Apple & IKEA), and upto 49% FDI in Air India (this ol’ dog might have some tricks left!).
New Year Cheer: ISRO carries forward a great 2017, by launching 31 satellites. Then… Vidharbha won the Ranji Trophy (no, it’s not a state yet, but let’s not open that can of worms). Good news for a region of Maharashtra that’s often in the news only for farmer deaths.
TTS Infinitely Random Universe of Fun
Early contender for “Most 2018 Headline”: Kodak Surges After Announcing Plans to Launch Cryptocurrency Called 'Kodakcoin' (PS: Surprise, surprise, Warren Buffet thinks the cryptocurrency boom is going to end badly. Also there is going to be JioCoin apparently.)
Early contender for kvltest thing to happen in 2018: Thailand’s Prime Minister kept a life-size cutout of himself and told annoying journalists to “ask this guy”. Best.
Best restraint of the fortnight award: Goes to New York Times: When they wrote this: “President Trump plans to attend the World Economic Forum in Davos this month. It’s hard to imagine an audience less receptive to his “America First” agenda.” (Good year to skip Davos, then)
Let the children play board games: Think kids these days have it better? Not really. They now have board exams in 5th, 8th, 10th, 11th and 12th. Be home-schooled, nobody really cares.
As the clock ticked into Jan 01 2018, 0000 hrs…
Marijuana sales went live in California, same-sex marriage became a thing in Australia, and… No matter how awesome your New Year’s Eve party was, it won’t beat this: A bunch of New Zealanders built an island ‘on international waters’ to avoid a drinking ban. Unverifiable but anecdotally true assertion: New Zealand has been the hottest emigration destination for Malayalees in the last decade.
International News
What a great new year - 2018 will be different!
2018 began in extraordinary fashion - with Kim Jong Un extending an olive branch - sort of - to South Korea. (Bonus: What do you call a reconciliatory Indian engineering student? Extra virgin ol… Ok, never mind). Keen to not alienate L’Orange, the SK prez gave a lot of credit to Trump. The North will now participate in the Winter Olympics to be held in the South (By the way, enjoy these Olympics while they last - Global warming might make doing stuff on ice a thing of the past).
‘Merica’s been embroiled in… Positive news all week. Trump looked like he wanted to ensure millions of immigrants get citizenship (what?!), just a week after saying he’s had enough of Pakistan harboring terror and mooching off aid. He also extended the Iran Nuclear Deal, something he promised to scrap. White Supremacist posterboy Steve Bannon stepped down from Breitbart, following less than flattering reviews in that book (and by Trump) (and everyone else). Hmm, Trump just might be that stable genius that he himself said he is. Trump’s colleagues are forcing a vote on Net Neutrality, so there’s hope of a repeal - capping an extraordinary first fortnight in a country whose headlines we often look forward to with trepidation.
Zuck is setting apart goals like meeting people and is focussing on fixing, you know, a platform that’s probably influenced more people than ever before. To start with, the news feed is going to show more family-n-friends, less publisher-n-brand. Sorry about that social media calendar you made.
Or… Maybe things are just the same
We were only partially truthful when we said ‘Merica had a good first fortnight. Trump called Haiti & some African nations “S**thole countries”, forcing several respected media outlets to actually use the damn word. Just a few days before, he told 200,000 El Salvadorans seeking refuge in the US for close to 20 years, to head back next year (what a nice man!) - though a judge said nothing doing. He wants to try and avoid the uncomfortable ‘Russia’ enquiry by arresting or firing people running it, even as Robert Mueller seeks an interview with the Tangerine Turd. And he’s spending his waking hours trying to slam an author for writing a book about him, which has zero surprises, and Twitter admitted it doesn’t have enough balls to block Trump from its platform. His administration wants to crack down on the one good thing the US still has, legal marijuana.
And what’s a new year without a protest or two? There were massive protests in Tehran by people tired of economic crappery. The government responded by banning English education in primary schools (maybe not enough signs were in Persian?). There are also protests in Tunisia.
Cape Town is apparently going to run out of water by April (!) and the Arctic will never be frozen again, scientists have said. The hopeful news is that human intervention might still work - Beijing’s pollution fell 53% (keto-level) and well, there’s water on Mars now.
Hey, at least the tech world will have some good news, right? A massive security flaw was revealed where every Intel device made in the past 20 years could be compromised, and in a massive stand of solidarity with his company, the Intel CEO sold off all his shares. Happy 2018!
In happy ‘just the same’ news, Brexit still remains comic relief of global diplomacy.
TTS Trivia
The American Dialect Society’s word of the year is? S**tpost.
Hollywood was created because Edison was a patent troll.
LinkedOut - the best things we read last week
Cash is still king in India, despite the best efforts of the Government, Paytm and demonetization.
Wondering why there’s no Concorde around anymore?
Some central governments might want to do their own Bitcoins, including Venezuela, not the first name that comes to your mind when you think ‘economic reform’.
Pencils lead the way (hehe) when it comes to utility - from essential writing tool for kids to gifts for adults, to working better in space than pens. A photographer beautifully captures a pencil factory. (Recommended viewing on desktop)
That’s it for the first issue of The Third Slip in 2018. We are determined to win the insecurity awards this year - so if you like The Third Slip, please do send us your comments on Twitter (Chuck | Tony) or on email. Of course, please also subscribe if you haven’t already and share The Third Slip with your friends. Do you have any fun new year resolutions to share with us? Do you intend to run? To make life less fun? Let us know, we may feature you in the next TTS. Until next week, remain stable you geniuses.