The Third Slip: Issue 39 - Half Baked Fakers
Hello Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip: The fearless weekly newsletter that strikes terror into the heart of the wicked, and also editors who can’t figure out how there can be so many grammatical errors in such little text. This is issue 39. 39 is the Atomic Number of Yttrium, which is a really cool element to know the atomic number of because it’s completely useless information (name one compound with Yttrium in it, we dare you, we double dare you) but knowing it makes us look smart (and once you tell us the name of a compound with Yttrium in it, we will look even smarter).
This is an apt metaphor for The Third Slip. In case you’re ignorant of the news and want to put forth some perspective at the Monday morning watercooler debate, we give you some partial information which you can work with and add on to - so that you can be, like Churchill called Gandhi, a half baked faker. On with the news...
At home
There is no Aadhaar way: Douglas Adams had told us long ago that the answer to the ultimate question to life, the universe, and everything was “42” but not what the question was. We at The Third Slip have found it: “How many accounts/IDs do you need to link your Aadhaar card to so that the government will leave you alone?”. This week, the Supreme Court extended the linking of Aadhaar to your bank account and mobile phone to 31st March 2018. However, no one is still clear of the validity of Aadhaar itself in light of the SC’s right to privacy ruling. But for now, we all have to continue making The Emperor’s New Clothes.
From UIDAIpur to Udaipur: Remember the unbelievably appalling video of a man axing and burning another man on the basis of religion and bragging about it? Well, we thought we had hit rock bottom, but it seems this is one bottomless pit of hopelessness and desperation. 80 men were arrested in Rajasthan for marching in support of the killer from the video. Yes, you read that right - these are actual people supporting the most gruesome, heinous crime ever imaginable. We still have no words.
What do you get when you turn the BJP on? A tumescent election: Even the strongest critics of the BJP will admit that there is only one party that can go to any extent to campaign for and win an election. In the run-up to the Gujarat polls, PM Modi and the BJP resorted to personal barbs and alleged collusion with Pakistan (ROFL) to make up for substance, just like how advertising agencies use ‘strategy slides’. Learn a lesson from this man, ad agencies! Take an almost century-old technology and make it sound like something new. Narendra Modi has made clunky, outdated, expensive seaplanes seem like the next best thing since Air Deccan. What a man! Now watch him make Floppy Disks the most secure technology, and add a #MakeInIndia stamp to it to make all pen drive users anti-national.
Dynasty or die nasty?: These seem to be the only two choices for Indians in 2019. Rahul Gandhi is officially President of the Congress Party and shortly the next PM candidate. We’d laugh but, hold on. Maybe having a much ridiculed and reluctant person as the PM would be way better than having a PM who personifies the Dunning-Kruger effect. Rahul Gandhi would have to have solid data and expert backing before he rolls out any policy that affects 1.37 Billion people. Which may not be a bad thing. Also, having our country being made a laughing stock is fine, at least there will still be a country left.
Putting the ex in Durex No need to cover your kid brother’s eyes anymore! Condom ads aren’t allowed on Indian TV during prime hours. Which is a good idea, it probably means more programming featuring annoying kids that will act as a contraceptive itself (the I&B Ministry is smarter than you think). In any case, there will be a grand total of zero fugs given by kids since porn consumption has been rising 75% (thank you, Reliance Jio!).
Around the world
Sweet Home Alabama: The special election in Alabama concluded this week, with Democrat Doug Jones beating Roy Moore, the Republican candidate. Moore met all the criteria to be endorsed by Trump - he’s openly bigoted and an alleged child molester. And despite all this lost the election only by 2 percentage points. Bhakts in India can officially start substituting Saudi Arabia with the USA in their whataboutery on “you think India is bad, what about the USA?”
‘Veering dangerously to the left’ is not a headline you’d expect in these turbulently nationalist times. But the success of Marxist parties in Nepal means that China has a valuable regional ally against India. If you’re thinking of climbing Everest, do so quickly.
You can’t spell ‘Jerusalem, k?’ without ‘jerk’ and ‘sale’ (lame, we know) : The Tangerine Turd’s decision to make Jerusalem the capital of Israel dashed hopes of a two-state solution and angered everyone, mostly Muslims all over the world. See, we’re not criticizing everything Trump does, but when North Korea (!) says you’ve done something bad...
American Pai: Oh, FCC you! What do you get if you take a dildo and wrap it in a jargon-spewing suit? FCC chairman Ajit Pai, of course - and this week he killed net neutrality. Worse still, this may be the end of free porn. Thankfully in India, TRAI says they’re still in favour of keeping the internet open. Pai also made a cringe-worthy video saying there are still tons of things you can do on the internet, and promptly got action taken against by the creator of Harlem Shake for using his song without permission.
Apocalypse Update: Oh joy, Japan has missiles capable of going a long way. Till North Korea, to be precise. And while a terror attack in New York killed nobody, it did disrupt the city and give Trump fresh ammo since the attacker was Muslim.
Biz and Tech
That’s all Fox! Holy Moley, Disney is buying 21st Century Fox, making them own some really massive properties and meaning that they can properly fight the new era of streaming. Expect monthly streaming bills to increase as everyone battles it out. Much like the Avengers which Disney now owns.
Unclear Power: Blockchain, the technology that powers Bitcoin, is now being used for Australia’s stock exchange. Nobody still knows how either works.
Apple bought Shazam! Though, $400m seems like pocket change after all those deals we’ve grown used to.
Fun Fact: Prince Harry’s ancestor apparently executed Meghan Markle’s ancestor. Okay, maybe not a fun fact. But still interesting. Also, please don’t ask questions about how Princess Di died.
LinkedOut
In case you missed it, the short story from The New Yorker that everyone’s talking about - Cat Person
Ever been in a phantom traffic block? Well, it’s because we’re all driving wrong
Is capitalism responsible for the rise of mental illness? A fascinating read.
A piece on raising a teenage daughter written by a mom, with annotations and corrections by the teenage daughter herself. Cool no?
That’s it for this week. Many thanks to Mridul who wrote in from Moscow with a fan mail. He says “There is a Pavlovian instinct of dread as soon as I see the newsletter hit inbox because that means the weekend is over and Monday is around.” Thanks Mridul, glad to know you find the newsletter informative (it’s almost Monday) and funny (your life sucks, corporate slave) as we intend it to be. You can make it to The Third Slip too, simply write to us on Twitter (Tony | Chuck) or email us. We would love to hear from you. Until next week, have you linked your TTS subscription with your Aadhaar card?