The Third Slip: Issue 33 - This is Sparta!!!
Hello and welcome to issue 33 of The Third Slip. The number 33 is like dinner at a restaurant with that annoying friend. The one who has a habit of going through the whole menu and not being able to decide what to order. You place your order “I’ll have the 3 please” and then your friend goes “Oh I’ll have the same. Two 3s please”.
In other non-news, we’re happy to announce that TTS now has 300 subscribers. At this rate of about 10 new subscribers per issue, we will hit 1 million subscribers in the year 3941 AD. Please mark your calendars and save the date for the mega celebrations.
In case you are reading this off a link and not in your inbox, why not subscribe using the link below or by dropping us a mail? In case you have already subscribed, take 2 minutes to move us into the primary tab? Why so much subscribe talk you ask? Because we are subscribes.
TTS Word of The Week - Subscribe (noun): Derived from sub, meaning inferior to, and scribe, meaning journalist. On to the boring part now...
At home
Stand At Ease
If you have read The Third Slip long enough (about half of any issue) you will know that we’ve been a tiny little bit less than flattering of this government and its ways, but we will cheer the fact that the World Bank (not UNESCO) has moved India up from 130 to 100 in its Ease of Doing Business Ranking. While a lot of cynics said that this was limited to only Bombay and Delhi - it’s a start since a lot of businesses are actually housed here. Bhakts - you’re allowed one Whatsapp message for this.
TTS rumination: Are we the only ones who thought initially that “Ease of Doing Business” was related to the availability of functional public toilets? Hehehe
A bridge too far
For some unfathomable reason, the army has been called in to help with construction of a bridge at Elphinstone Road station in Mumbai. Now, we’ll all have to modify our statements when reacting to anti-national diatribe: “Elphinstone mein hamara jawan bridge bana raha hai… Aur aapko ATM line mein nahin…” etc etc. Strangely, Army Chief Bipin Rawat defended the decision saying it was “Image management” for the army.
Supreme Court on a roll
This week, the SC asked the government what the scene was on 1581 pending cases involving MPs and MLAs. Later, it told off banks and telcos for asking people to link Aadhar to accounts. Yes, the SC can do no wrong right now, which is probably why Sreesanth wants to approach it to overturn the spot-fixing ban.
It happens only in India
A BJP spokesperson ((noun): A paragon of Indian culture and the only true upholder of patriotism), was asked to sing Vande Mataram during a debate. He sang um something including “Pulkistan” that set people ROFLing. TTS warning: Please set down your coffee and be seated while watching this.
The Indian Institute of Science - that glorious instituation dedicated to the field of study based on facts, data, and logic was scheduled to host an astrology workshop. Thankfully, it got cancelled.
If you were to think of the great variety of delicacies offered up by Indian cuisine, which one would you pick to be Brand India food? Khichdi apparently. Maybe accurate as a metaphor for India’s politics and systems.
In Delhi (okay stop premature laughing, it gets better), a Ranji cricket match had to be stopped momentarily because a freaking car drove on to the pitch. In unrelated news, an Uber customer was unable to spot his cab even after the driver assured him “Haan sir me aapke location pe aa gaya hoon”.
TTS unnecessary fun fact 1: You cannot tell which of us wrote which part of TTS by looking for bad Hindi.
Around the world
Schrödinger’s climate change
The Trump administration, after telling us climate change is a hoax and we could all make merry burning coal, released a report by the National Climate Assessment saying humans were indeed responsible for our li’l blue orb turning into a cauldron. So now we’re confused - do we hold off going to the Arctic with our oxy-torches and making those two critical glaciers that would raise sea levels by 4 feet melt even faster? Make up your damn minds, please!
Give credit where it’s due
Trump is a master of taking credit. For instance, FBI files around JFK’s 1968 assassination were scheduled to be released in 2017, and Trump made it seem like he was responsible. Only a matter of time before he takes credit for other things that are natural / scheduled to happen, like sunrise, Dream Theater’s Asia tour, and Arsenal finishing 4th. Meanwhile, a special counsel has charged his former campaign manager with irrefutable ties to Russia, pre-election. Trump did make it very clear that he himself was not under investigation. By the way, Dream Theater is not the only American export on tour in Asia - so is Trump (the comparisons end there). He plans to visit several countries, but the outcome of his meet with China should be entertaining.
TTS unnecessary fun fact 2: A quick way to identify which of us is doing the writing is by looking at references to Dream Theater v/s references to Theatre of Dreams.
Trump imitates life
You know how they say there are only two certainties - death and taxes? After spending a fair bit of time on death and misery, Trump has now turned his attention to taxes with a sweeping rewrite of the tax code including a reduction in the corporate tax rate and an increase in standard deductions for individuals. There is a lot more but we don’t really care that much. Oh, and the Democrats don’t like it.
The Pain in Spain stays mainly out of the pane
The Catalonia-Spain thing is way too messy right now. We’re going to leave them to sort things out or do something funny, which are the only points at which The Third Slip (and we assume, its readers) will be interested.
Spaced Out
The latest ‘victim’ of sexual allegations? Kevin Spacey. Whose statement tried to placate people as he came out of the closet - pissing off everyone, not in the least, the LGBTQ community. Meanwhile, Netflix was applauded for firing the actor - who played the lead - from House of Cards and declined to release a movie starring him. Meanwhile, another actor at the other end of the world - Russell Crowe, offered to take in refugees himself, criticising Australia’s policy.
TTS necessary fun fact: Iceland has a new leftist government, but what really caught our eye is that the country has a population 340,000. Andheri has 9.5 million.
Apocalypse Update
You know how everyone who’s around an asshole needs to become a little asshole-ish themselves just to deal with king asshole? Well, North Korea’s nuke-happy disposition has led to peace / tech-loving folks like Japan and South Korea to up their nuke game. Why couldn’t Pyongyang just stick to video games and make a nice Asian tournament out of that instead?
True Halloween
An Uzbek rammed a truck in Manhattan, killing 8. It was a Muslim - leading to all the predictable outcomes - from support to xenophobia. ISIS did it. Trucks, sadly, have been a weapon of choice for terror attacks of late.
The Bank of England raised rates for the first time in a decade because its economy is, forgive our french, le shite. We wonder why. Stop laughing Mr Corbyn!
Technology
Here’s Verge’s review of the iPhone X: Which Apple promises will be the future of smartphones. So… Dodgy security (Face ID - though tech experts have failed to beat it) and 6-figure (INR) price tags? Keep those Beetel stocks handy.
Facebook, Twitter and Google were grilled by the US Senate on their ‘role’ in the elections. Not pretty. Especially how Facebook’s legal counsel was taken to the cleaners.
We heart capitalism, but you can’t help but feel a tinge of something when you hear Facebook’s revenue is soaring and Tesla’s… aren’t.
Men who deserve a medal
Most frustrated departing employees will steal some stationery, vandalize the men’s loo with statements about the boss, or at worst, flip a bird to the IT department. All that pales in comparison to what a leaving Twitter employee did : Suspend the account of the president of the United States!
TTS Trivia Section
Who’s the world’s new richest man? Nope, not Bill Gates. It’s the head of a company which didn’t make a profit for decades. Yep, Jeff Bezos. Such is the power of Amazon and AWS, that banks that would need $30m to start, can now do so with just $30k - thanks to the cloud.
What is India’s national aquatic animal? (Didn’t know it was the Gangetic River Dolphin? Why you libtard Paki-sympathizing scum). Anyway, don’t get too attached, it’s under threat.
LinkedOut
A fascinating story. Why did Casper sue a mattress blogger? A closer look reveals a secret, multimillion-dollar battle to get you into bed.
A fiendishly difficult murder mystery puzzle set by a cryptic crossword setter in 1934 could a comeback. Check it out if you’re masochistic.
The Manganiyar musicians in Rajasthan see the killing of Aamad Khan as the last straw. Their story.
Comedy is hard in Kashmir but has its uses.
9 experts were asked how to fix Facebook.
That’s it for issue 33 of The Third Slip. Would you like to tell us something? You can reach us on Twitter (Tony | Chuck). Or you could send us a nice email. If you haven’t subscribed yet, please do so. And if you are annoyed with your extended family WhatsApp group, sign up all of its members to The Third Slip as well. Until next week, stay in Pulkistan patriotic friends.