The Third Slip: Issue 27 - Unclear Armageddon
Hello hello hello and welcome to Issue 27. We’ve been around with an issue per week and that means we’ve completed 6 months. Given that the do-tardein zameen par are going at it nuclear hammer and uranium tongs, we are not sure if we can celebrate 1 year. So, yay to 6 months of The Third Slip. Pediatricians agree that we are now allowed to have solid content. Except, we’re still our same old selves so don’t expect any more maturity than you’re used to. Let’s jump in...
What’s making the headlines
We start with a story from our new favourite minister - Alphons Kannanthanam - who this week found himself spending time, energy, and resources of the state to clean up the India Gate lawns. When he got there and found there was no garbage, he did the logical thing and got volunteers to arrange for some so that he could clean it and make some headlines. When asked if this was a visual metaphor for black money and demonetisation, he replied: “please eat beef in your own country and then travel to India”.
In unrelated spending-state-resources-for-headline-making news, please enjoy this video from Modiji where he says the bullet train serves no practical purpose it’s just needed for “show-off” purposes. Jai hind.
Officials didn’t give a dam
A launch of a Bihar dam failed due to ‘technical reasons’. What could those reasons be? Oh, just the fact that said dam crashed during a trial and flooded the nearby town.
That seems to be the excuse du jour - Amit Shah said the economy is struggling because of technical reasons - we didn’t know blunderheadedness could be classified as that. Next time our bosses ask us why the status report isn’t complete, we know what excuse to give. (PS that last link has many economists’ recommendations to spur the Indian economy. But none of them involve cows or saying Jai Hind for school attendance, so no BJP official is going to give a damn, even one that breaks two days before inauguration)
Fight fire with faking new fire
The BJP never seemed to have a problem with fake news… Till it started affecting them. Too bad there aren’t any rationalists/parents of Gorakhpur children / beef-eaters / users of cash in the BJP - a lot of problems could have been solved with this technique.
UNGA aaya
Sushma Swaraj ripped into Pakistan in her speech at the United Nations General Assembly this week, basically saying that Pakistan has generally been only a terrorist haven since independence whereas India has been awesome. How India got to be awesome when none of the previous government till this chosen one did anything meaningful remains unclear at this point.
lolDemonetization
The famed ‘cashless’ village has returned to using cash. The machines have stopped working and can’t be found - much like Government excuses.
Other capital problems
What’s the capital of Andhra Pradesh? It’s a trick question- there is none! Step 1 to building a new capital city is coming up with a cool name - Amaravati, which roughly translates to the immortal city, fits the bill just perfectly. Step 2 should be ensuring that what is immortal does not die a premature death. We’re not too sure about that. India is a country where people will adopt the highest technology such as a custom-made right-hand drive Tesla Model 3 and then try to get into the driver’s seat with their right foot first for good luck. (It’s a visual joke, you may want to take a few seconds). And so, Amaravati is in a state of limbo in the most Indian way possible. This hilarious sad story tells all. Includes references to “Paneer Manchurian”.
Now’s a good time to be glad India is not geographically between NK and the USA
Call Donald Trump what you like, but conventional/boring he ain’t. In a, er, refreshing departure from all the left-leaning rhetoric we’re used to on the UN stage, Trump clearly said nations should be selfish. And that he would totally destroy ‘rocket man’ and North Korea. He didn’t mention climate change at all, but that’s okay - it doesn’t look like we’ll be having a planet after a few years anyway.
The most unlikely of English Teachers
If you’ve spent part of your life in Kerala, you would know there’s a certain Malayalam film actor called Mammootty, who was nicknamed ‘English teacher’ by some because he would awkwardly use massive words in otherwise hardcore Malayalam lines. Sample the self-explanatory “Ninte ee darshtyam undallo. Ninte ee nauseating megalomania!”. Thanks to this, every Mallu engineering college kid - no matter how state board-oriented - knows those two words. The unrelated point is, we now have a new unlikely prof of the Queen’s language, North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un. In their ongoing possibly apocalyptic verbal spat, Kim called Trump a… Dotard. Things are good if you’re running a dictionary social media handle. Your move, Mr. Tharoor. (You’re not expecting Trump to win this vocabulary-off, are you?)
A geo-political tag team match
In this corner: Behemoth China who’s been crushing everyone and his erratic partner capable of genius, Pakistan. In the other corner: Confused India who’s brought his once-contact now-forced-to-be-buddy Japan. Watch as they try all their famous moves: Including China’s OBOR suplex, and India-Japan’s Bullet Train To Your Head.
France is trying to take climate change into its own hands, not in a good way
They’re basically trying to play class monitor, imposing rules and stuff in a new draft proposal. Which sounds okay given the calamitous state of the environment right now, but it doesn’t take into account developing countries’ need for growth and poverty alleviation.
Poor Caribbean!
It’s just hurricane after hurricane there - battering the same islands. Puerto Rico could actually be out of power for months! Now there’s a Hurricane Maria. Is climate change to blame? It’s complicated, but in short: It doesn’t cause hurricanes, but makes them worse. That general area isn’t facing the best of times: Mexico was rocked by a massive earthquake that killed 230.
Oh, Myanmar.
You’d think that if a Nobel Peace prize winner were the head of your country, things would be great. No? Then at least he/she would stop mindless attacks by the army on a minority. No? Then at least she should tell the army to stop. No? Ah, it must be 2017.
Sean Spicer was at the Emmies and tried to be funny. He failed.
British Comedy
You gotta love the Brits. To alleviate all the tension caused by nukes and refugees and lynchings, we have the best sitcom that’s not yet televised coming out of London. Latest: PM Theresa May (who, remember, opposed Brexit initially!) is struggling to put it into effect, leading chief clown Boris Johnson clashing with her.
British tragedy - for one company, anyway
Uber lost its license in London, which wasn’t renewed. The company has enough depth in pockets and grit to battle it out, and it’s likely to be a warning to this and other companies. People from Bangalore are already quivering since two Ola-Uber-fuelled years has taken the edge off their begging skills.
Obamacare repeal - again?!
You know how you say ‘this month I will start losing weight’ only to give in to that stack of donuts by Friday? Yeah, the Obamacare repeal is something like that. Republicans wanted to give it a third shot, but one of their own, John McCain, said nope. In unrelated news, what could kill all democrats is artery clogging thanks to the copious amount of popcorn they’re ordering. Trump called McCain a dummy back in 2015 - revenge is a dish best served with a big ‘this bill shall not pass’ on the side.
Business
Did you know Tata Sons is going private? Not that it means anything, except that Cyrus Mistry is becoming less relevant.
LinkedOut
A Twitter ‘fight’ between two museums is the geekiest, most beautiful thing you’ll see this week.
Being accessible is a good thing, but sometimes you need to shut off. The power of silence in the smartphone age
This fascinating long read on why boxing fights are fixed
That’s it for issue 27. How have we done so far? Do you have any favourite lines from any of our previous issues? Anything else you’d like to tell us? We would love to hear from you. Tell us over email. You can also find us on Twitter (Tony | Chuck). Until next week, don’t be a dotard.