The Third Slip - Issue 26 : 8 hours sleep is your berth-right
Hello and welcome to issue 26 of The Third Slip. One-half of our authors was away this week and therefore completely out of touch. His only job was to write the intro with some relevant, witty lead-ins but he’s unable to do so because he has no idea about what transpired in the world this week. If only he could read a summary of the week’s events through a humorous newsletter. So let’s dive straight in.
Patriotism cannot be absent
One look at the youth of today is enough to tell us that the biggest problem they are facing is a lack of patriotism. I mean let’s face it, we all have that nephew in 8th Grade who when asked what the national anthem is, sings out loud “Glory Glory Man United!”. In steps the MP government to up the patriotism score of the youth, by suggesting that students answer the roll call with Jai Hind instead of vanilla terms like Present Sir.
On the other hand, this will make proxies difficult to punish.
“Why did you answer Praveen’s roll call? Please meet me after class!”
“No sir, I was just feeling really patriotic so I just shouted Jai Hind just like that. *Gasp* Sir, are you a liberal?!”
“Um no, no. Jai Hind!”
Up next, all selfies to be tagged with #BMKJ. Catch them young we say.
Sleep time reduced by 11%
In the most significant railway related update this week, the Indian railways has mandated that passengers can now sleep only between 10 PM - 6 AM on their berths in trains, as against 9 PM - 6 AM earlier. Our question to the Indian Railways over email “Who the f#$% sleeps at 10 PM?!” remains unanswered as we go into print send mode.
Like a bullet to your train
In a rather unimportant piece of railway news this week, Shinzo Abe managed to talk our PM into building a bullet train between Ahmedabad and Mumbai. A journey that will cost more and take more time than… A flight. The saving grace, of course, is that the journey will be quicker than the time taken to book a ticket on IRCTC.
RaGa goes places
Have you spoken at Berkley? The guy you’re making memes about has. This has obviously led to a lot of jokes, and if recent world history and Trump is a benchmark, making jokes about him means that he will definitely lead the country in 2019. Which, at this point looks way better than the current ominous option occupying the PMs chair. What a time to be alive. Although looking through what he said, you’ll see that Rahulji didn’t do his potential candidature any favours.
AadhaarWatch
Hey, now that Aadhaar is finally implemented half-baked, here’s another opportunity for things to go wrong: Iris and fingerprint-based UPI payments. What could possibly go wrong? (The intention is good, but Aadhaar is as complete as Venkatesh Prasad’s batting repertoire).
Let them eat cake
Barely a couple of weeks in office and Union Minister Alphons Kannanthanam has already outdone himself with some prime WTF material. This week on the issue of taxes causing petrol prices to rise, he said “Who buys petrol’ Somebody who has a car, bike; certainly he is not starving. Somebody who can afford to pay, has to pay,”
Nope, things ain’t getting better for the Rohingyas.
It’s pretty bleak. They continue to flee to India & Bangladesh who are sympathetic but say they can’t stay. The most shocking fact is that they are fleeing from a country headed by a nobel peace prize winner who skips a UN General Council meeting and calls all this… You guessed it... fake news. Like the winner of the office’s ‘Most Ethical Employee Award’ using fake petrol bills.
This week in the international Hate Quadrilateral
(pay attention). North Korea did nukes. US wanted sanctions. But not as many were implemented. Why? NK’s ‘frends’ China & Russia opposed too many sanctions. Why? They didn’t want too much US influence. That’s like the drummer and singer thinking the lead guitarist is showboating while the bassist is busy burning the stage. Keep that mental image in mind, you’ll need it.
Explosion in London
It’s become a sequence so predictable it has numbed us and stopped being depressing. Terror attack, ISIS claims responsibility, Trump tweets something useless, local government shakes head. World facepalms.
Tech that’s important
Put a ring on it! Cassini, the spaceship that’s been out in space for over 20 years, was made to crash as it was running out of fuel. It completely transformed our understanding of Saturn. Check out the last few images it transmitted - it’s hard not to be in awe.
Tech that doesn’t matter
Apple introduced an expensive phone. Moving on.
(Oh actually, it is important - they released a $1000 phone which can be unlocked by face - making the NSA, muggers, evil twins and cops very happy). And no. It’s not like Aadhaar. Shut up.
BJP’s social media game may be taking a troll toll. The continuous meme-worthy failures of the government and the stench of its troll army is finally catching up and it looks like the BJP is starting to slip in social media.
Bitcoin crashed 27% after China banned it from being traded on its exchanges. Doesn’t matter because nobody understands Bitcoin anyway.
Nobody’s sure what’s happening in the US now
Last week, Trump dealt a blow to children of illegal immigrants by saying he wanted to scrap DACA. This week he apparently colluded with Democrats to protect said children, pissing off his party and supporters. Oh, and remember Jeff Sessions? The Attorney General that nobody particularly likes? Turns out Trump is one of those people - he humiliated him long back, enough for a threat of resignation. The White House is a comedy show that’s sadly not being filmed.
Donald Trump Merch you’d want
Flip-flops with his flip-flop tweets. :D
Um.
There’s an upcoming Angry Birds IPO. Yes.
Oh, and South Park trolled users who had Alexa & Google Home in the best possible way.
LinkedOut
If you’re singing Aunty ki Ghanti, you’re part of the problem argues this piece in HuffPo
Whatsapp groups are the latest havens for sexist jokes.
Demonetisation effects are still visible, this story on the flower merchants in Tamil Nadu.
That’s it for this week. The guy who wrote the intro is writing the end as well. One thing is for sure, you’re so much happier if you stay away from 24/7 news. What do you think of The Third Slip? Hate it? Like it? Does it creep into your mind when you’re doing it despite your best efforts to not think of it? (Just because we said it, does not mean it’s going to happen. This kind of persuasion does not work anyway. On the off-chance that it does, let’s balance it out - the next time you’re doing it you will definitely not think of The Third Slip). Tell us what you think, on Twitter (Chuck, Tony) or email us. Until next week, be present Jai Hind in the moment.