The Third Slip - Issue 24: Score 99%, you will get cat calls
The Third Slip - Issue 24: Score 99%, you will get cat calls
Hello and welcome to Issue 24 of The Third Slip. The demonetisation report card is out and 99% of banned notes have been returned, this has justifiably led to catcalls against a needless activity which has resulted in the economy saying “Miss miss I have to do Susu, I am going to toilet”. But really, none of this may matter because Kim Jong Un has just carried out a 6th nuclear test, this time with a Hydrogen Bomb. In the long and short run, we may all be dead. The negativity will force its way in eventually, let’s start with some happy news
The Home Run
Keep your China up
#justMissed: India and China were doing a McGregor v/s Mayweather kinda trash talk build up in Bhutan but thankfully both sides have called it off before a needless Pay Per View event. No war, basically. Just goes to show how India can still be a mature democracy and resolve issues peacefully without resorting to 56 inch chest thumping and unnecessary jingoistic media frenzy. Well played, the Indian Government (Sincerely. We may need a sincerety font.) The Chinese media called it a win for Asia and blamed US-Japan for wanting to see a India-China fight. You might almost think not all is well between China and the US.
That #SpiritOfMumbai Thing
Tuesday saw one of the worst deluges the city of Mumbai has seen since 2005. You already know this thanks to your social media feeds. Ironically, the whole thing led to more attention to the Bihar and Assam floods thanks to the ‘but nobody talks about these’ sort of articles. There’s justifiable anger at the Shiv Sena-led BMC, none of whose vociferous tigers came out to help people who were left to fend for themselves. Sun came out the next day and things were back to normal as outrage gave way to getting on with lives. The Sena lives another day.
Oi stop this anti-national nonsense
There have been reports from bloody Paki agent scum presstitutes that demonetisation was a failure. How dare they! Think of everything demonetisation has helped with including teaching Indians how to spell difficult 14 letter words. The sickular media won’t tell you that all Spelling Bee winners since demonetisation have been of Indian origin. And all metrics are up okay - suspicious banking transactions rose by 3 lakh so stop complaining you leftist hippie. Who says the economy is affected? Corruption is still happening in same amounts. The only reason the GDP growth is at its lowest in 3 years is because you people are complaining the government on social media instead of doing your work. Things have never moved faster in India - especially the goalposts that kept changing. If you don’t agree with us, see these totally impartial unbiased people tweet with totally non-templatised tweets.
Just Indian Things
In a nation where the definition of consent is a profile created by your parents on bharatmatrimony.com, the centre has told the Delhi high court that it should not criminalise marital rape.
In other news, the powers that be at the centre have decided that we don’t have enough patriotism in India. In a bid to make patriotism sexier, students in IITs and central universities are going to be listening to Patriotic Rock. I mean let’s face it, who doesn’t want to shout Bharat Mata Ki Jai during a rock concert?
Can it be? (7, 9)
Cabinet Reshuffle. Nirmala Sitharaman is India’s first woman defence minister now since Indira Gandhi. Other changes to the cabinet have been made today as well with an eye on the 2019 polls. Brace for Ache Din 2.0
How many tone-deaf and idiotic comments can you make and still remain Chief Minister? We won’t know till Yogi Adityanath completes his stint. This week, in the wake of the Gorakhpur tragedy, he said that his government is not responsible for children, the parents of the children are. How much longer do we have to bear yogi?
Elsewhere
Nuke, I’m your father
Worried that your investment in a bunker would go to waste because North Korea was silent for a week? Don’t worry! They fired a ballistic missile over Japan - with nothing more than the intention of pissing them and the US off. See, when Donald Trump is the good guy, you know things are messed up. The UK and Japan plan sanctions too. Kim ain’t gonna be happy. Especially when, 2 days after he shot off his missile, the US and South Korea coolly did a joint military exercise. This is one board game that’s needlessly coming to life.
Floody hell
There are massive floods in Houston, USA thanks to Hurricane Harvey. Unlike Mumbai, though, things did not get back to normal - there’s cut-off power, no drinking water, explosions from factories and floating cars. At least they have a president who’s talking about the wall and some book while all this happens. And when the administration does talk about Harvey, it’s about how climate change is so totally not to blame, mmkay? As far as apathy to citizens go, bhakts now have a new reference a la #ItsWorseInSaudiArabia
Other happenings
In a strange and bizarre ruling next door, the Al Qaeda / Taliban suspects for the Bhutto assassination were acquitted. As bhakts would say when libtards say the courts are random in India… #ItsWorseInPakistan
Science
Can(cer) do! The FDA approved a drug that will fight cancer using gene therapy, for the very first time.
Tech
You might have heard Android O is coming. It is, and along with it, some much-needed security fixes for Android.
You know AR is serious business when Google launches a development kit. Look forward to many more people goofily chasing 2018’s version of Pokemon Go!
Business
How are you? Not very Wells Fargo: The bank is in trouble again, as news of overzealous salespeople creating 1.4 million fake accounts (bank, not Facebook!) emerged.
420 ways to diversify: While the jury is still out over the viability of streaming, Netflix just went ahead and co-created some themed weed.
Uber’s new CEO: As Trump prepares to bring into effect a law that could affect immigrants and their children, one of them, Dara Khosrowshahi, from Iran, no less, is Uber’s new CEO.
Climate Change: Thankfully, there is China to counterbalance Trump - they’re getting ready to shut down overpolluting factories.
LinkedOut
Did you know you needed to audition to do busking in the London Tube?
Indian women in badminton have broken the Glasgow ceiling. Relive last Sunday’s epic final with this unmissable piece.
After all the objective figures, and disastrous results Indians still seem to love demonetisation. This tongue in cheek piece tries to explain why that’s a good thing.
That’s it for this week. Good to know normal service has resumed after an unnecessarily balanced previous week. The government is still searching for The True Objective of Demonetisation. Have some quirky ideas you want to share with them? Email us and we will pass it on. You can also reach us on Twitter ( Chuck, Tony). Till next week, do not reshuffle your cabinets without pairing your socks first. Bye!