The Third Slip: Issue 181 - Economical with the truth
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that’s like your lockdown hair. Much like the news, it should ideally be done by professionals, but they can’t do their job in the current environment, it was fun to begin with but it’s gone on for far too long, and it makes you look in the mirror more than usual and you can’t decide if you like it or hate it.
This is issue 181. 18-1 is likely to be the representation of Grand Slams won by Novak Djokovic at the end of this week expressed as Total slams won in the Open era - Total won in the Closed era. A US open without viewers or Federer or Nadal! More like Grand Sham. Much like the news…
At Home
Mor or less: Say what you will about the powers that be in India, but they put the economy in economical with the truth. So, if you ask about growth indicators, expect one picture of Dear Leader with peacocks and a statement to the effect of “Ji, DP achcha toh hai''. So what if the GDP has dropped a record 23.9%? It only means that the growth numbers from here on will appear phenomenal even though we’ve lost at least two years of economic growth. Also, if you’re following the stock market, get ready for a K shaped recovery. It means, we the rich will get back to riches while the poor get poorer and look at their plight and say K bro.
Illustration by Harini Kannan
Surely, you’re joking Mr. Fine Man: Why are you antinationals saying our economy is in bad shape? Do you even know how much 1 rupee is worth? Well, it’s the price Prashant Bhushan has to pay as punishment for contempt of the Supreme Court. No, we don’t know what will happen if he gives 1 rupee Eclairs instead.
Freedom ka feel: Who knew the biggest Khan release this year would be the freeing of Dr. Kafeel Khan who was illegally detained by the UP government. This after 9 months for a speech which, as the court noted, talked about unity and national integration. Well, we live in a country where we can feel happy that he did not face the fate of the brave Gauri Lankesh who was assassinated exactly 3 years ago, where the trial has not yet begun.
What’s mine is yours: We shall not let anyone undermine the stake held by the average citizen in this great democracy. No, we shall overmine it. The government has given 10 days for public feedback in a move that will soon see mining companies popping champagne made with the finest mineral water bottled directly from nature’s tears.
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ANI News
Govt: Ambani and Adani, I love you guys
Anil Ambani: Aw, thanks
SBI: LOL not u loser
Firm-ly tongue in cheek
Govt: Foreign companies, we love you guys (conditions apply)
Vodafone: Aw, thanks
Supreme Court: LOL not u or ur whole sector, losers
Jio: Ahem.
India: Except you, sir, of course sir, please use my back to clean your shoes sir, thank you sir.
Govt: Anyway, like I was saying - we will allow many companies to invest…
TTS Authors: Meaning you will have lots of contracts no? India will become the land of contracts, no?
Govt: Um, what? No Ease of doing business...
TTS Authors: Calling our first witness
GDP: Heyyyy I contracted by 25%
Govt: * thoo bevarsi kudka *
YouTube Brutus
Govt: Criticism makes us stronger. We love healthy debates and criticism, and want to be held accountable.
Opposition: Ah, good, we have a few…Govt: LOL not u losers. Question Hour is now scrapped!
Citizens: Fine, we’ll express our opinions on the videos you post
Govt: Comments are turned off on the PMO channel
Citizens: Okay, we will dislike your videos
Govt: Pshh only 2% of you are from India. The rest of you please go to Pakistan.
Citizens:...
Govt: Hey Facebook! You’re biased! Against Right Wing thinking
FB: Uh what now?
Player’s Known Battlegrounds
Govt: BAN MANY CHINESE APPS
Bhakts: YEAH INDIA!
Govt: Including (reads) ‘Pubji’
Some bhakts: YEA… wtf
Govt: Er… Modi is OP?
Sabse bada Player, Akshay Kumar: We’ve just made a brand new game - Fau-G
Indians: LOL WTF have some shame bro
Times Now: SAKET GOKHALE IS PRO-CHINA LOBBY
China: I’m guessing you don’t need this $5.6b worth of imports then?
Govt: Leave that here. That was a Faux-Pas-G
Ahead of the curve
Virus: I think I’ll start to leave…
Everyone: YAY
Virus: Was fun while it lasted, eh?
India: YAY
Virus: Lol not u, losers, we’re just getting started
Breaking the news
TTS Authors: Hi readers, we love you
Readers: K bro, whatevs
TTS Authors: You know you can join our WhatsApp group to get notified when we publish a new issue, and we would really appreciate it if you can support us - on InstaMojo or Patreon.
Readers:...
TTS Authors: Hey Readers, it looks like you’re talking on mute
Readers:...
TTS Authors: Looks like we’ve lost Readers. Okay, we’ll have to continue without Readers...
Around the world
Mail Chauvinist Pig
Trump: That 17 year old kid who killed some protests is okay
Citizens: ummm
Trump: Send some more troops in! Moar! Far right militancy FTW.
Citizens: ummm
Trump: Screw co-creating vaccines, I’m pulling out of the global vaccine effort, cancelling racial sensitivity training for police
Police: We hear you chief, we’re killing BLM protestors as fast as we can
Trump: And soldiers who get injured/killed are ‘losers’
Citizens: ummm
Trump: And hey, use mail-in votes and vote twice maybe
North Carolina: No
Twitter: No
Joe jeeta ya seconder?
Biden: I will solve the virus!
⅓ of ‘Murica: We won’t take a vaccine.
Fauci (probably): Oh FFS
Democracy: A reminder that the first debate between the candidates is on Sep 29.
Democrats: Um, the right is showing doctored videos of Biden…
Tech platforms: So?
Republicans: Deepfakes FTW
Russia: Hi, did anyone call us to help? :) This time we’ll help Biden. Maybe.
Zuck: Hey, after wrecking democracy last time, we’re not going to allow political ads one week before the elections :-)
Critics: But old ads can continue running…
FB: Shh. Oh actually, we wanna see how our platform plays a role in elections, so here’s $20 to shut down your account
Sweet China Music
China: We’re censoring Hollywood, ramping up nukes, causing headaches for our pals in India… And we can do that because EXPORTS BABYYYYYYYYY
Rest of the world: *sigh*
China: Europe, we’re buddies, right?
Europe: Whatevs, don’t count on a second date
Mild good news
Sudan-ly Something: Sudan might have peace, finally. Also, they’re ending 30 years of Islamic law and separating Religion and State.
Could have been crisper: Ah the guidelines for Gene Editing have finally come. Better late than never.
LinkedOut
With the centre abdicating its responsibility towards states, GST definitely needs reform.
That stupid coastal road is still going ahead.
If you’ve not been following some dumb shit Indian news is peddling, good on you. But here’s the lowdown on the online cult that’s running the witch hunt in the name of justice for Sushant Singh Rajput
Digitizing health in India has several obstacles
History will remember Merkel kindly. Well, more than Trump, anyway.
Clean energy has many unseen dark sides - like depleting the world’s copper.
That’s all for this week. If you’d like, you can get in touch: Instagram (Chuck | Tony), Twitter (Chuck | Tony), email. And again, if you REALLY like us and can afford to, consider supporting us on UPI, Instamojo or Patreon. Until next week, may the only things that are very dark in your days be coffee and chocolate. Bye!