The Third Slip: Issue 170 - TV or not TV
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that is like Father’s Day, Solar Eclipse, and Yoga Day all coming together. It’s a combination of depressing news caused by patriarchs around the world, eclipsed by some mind numbing wordplay, and achieved by scientifically bending the contours of language to its very limit.
This is issue 170, published on June 21st, 2020. Which means, we’re covering the news from days 167-173 of the year. Or, *drumrolls signifying significance intensifies*, on average, issue 170. You think that’s a coincidence? Don’t be mean. This is just as preordained as the FLAMES game from school. It’s just meant to be. Now deal with it. Because, to be honest, it’s slightly harder to deal with the news...
Things that definitely DID NOT happen this week
A China is only as strong as the weakest lie: PM Modi clarified that there was no incursion by China or loss of territory. Stop making up fake news you guys. The Line of Actual Control is the line made up by Dear Leader and tom-tomed by our news channels of incredible integrity. Haak thoo! Oh no, it looks like the aforementioned pillar of democracy has pulled us down to their level. But seriously, we don’t know what they stand for or what their motto is, except that it can’t be Aji. Because ajinomoto.
Bail poori: You want to know how tough on terrorism India is? Davinder Singh, the cop accused of ferrying Hizbul terrorists was granted bail this week because a charge sheet was not filed within the stipulated period of 90 days. No way that happened, stop making things up.
Lockdown, not lock up: Supriya Sharma, a Scroll.in reporter DID NOT have an FIR filed against her for accurately reporting the impact of COVID on the PM’s constituency. This is India, not Saudi Arabia, okay?
Herd community: The ICMR has reassured that despite the number of Covid cases in India spiking to new highs every day, there is no community spread. Also, it went one step further to reassure us that its own study suggesting the peak load of cases would be in November was not in any way endorsed by it. Take that!
PM Double U: If you’ve not been living under a rock (which is not a bad idea in the times of Covid), you would have heard of the definitely-not-a-scam-fund called PM Cares. This week, all doubters were proved wrong because everyone in India with a smartphone saw a picture ventilator with a PM Cares sticker on it. This one ventilator proves that the unaudited fund has been set up in good faith. But haters like Saket Gokhale are investigating. What is a bhakt’s favourite order at a Starbucks? “Modiji is the best, a large coffee to go”. Because, senti now, Venti later.
Things that did happen this week
Crossing a line: No, we’re not talking about Israel continuing encroachment into Palestine. We’re talking about 2 “nationalist strongmen” who don’t give too much of a momo for their people causing unnecessary loss of lives. Here’s one of the clearest explanations of the history of clashes between India and China. The only positive here, even as China lays claim to the Galwan Valley is that deescalation happened soon after.
The Manchurian Candidate: Meanwhile, our circus of predictable clowns are out and about. GoCoronaGo fame, Ramdas Athwale has called for restaurants with Chinese cuisine to be boycotted and shut down. Meanwhile, some BJP workers took their protest against China to the next level by burning an effigy of Kim Jong Un of North Korea. And, of course, the common man smashed their own TVs made by Chinese companies.
Illustration by Harini Kannan
And now for something completely different… Sports!
What’s a sports section doing in TTS all of a sudden? It’ll cushion the repeated blows, but also nicely segue from China to BLM, with some slick passes. You’ll see...
In Soviet Russia, football plays you: This brilliant Twitter thread tells you the story of how the title contenders for the league were knocked out by a combination of Covid and Putin. Open this link in a new tab and promise to return to it later, and then, as usual, forget all about it. It’s worth it.
A bitter IPL to swallow: How petty is the IPL? Well, Chennai Super Kings suspended their team doctor for a mildly snarky tweet against Dear Leader. And the league itself is apparently reviewing its sponsorship deals in light of the border skirmish with China. They don’t call it Premier League for nothing.
BLM Pichkari: Meanwhile, the original Premier League of football in England returned to action with all teams replacing names of players on the jersey with “Black Lives Matter” and taking a knee before the start of each match. Stand by for Trump reviewing sponsorship deals with the EPL. Pshhh.
Which red fellow is the smoothest transitioner? Segue ra!
Black Lives Meter: Juneteenth went by, and protests continued to rage in the US. It has also spread to the UK, and Europe. So much so that a Black protestor in the UK carried a far-right counter-protestor to safety. May they continue to challenge the statues quo.
Police-ticks: As protests continue, even Trump had to look at ways to check box some police reform. He gave an executive order which says… More training needed. Um, okay then. And, at a rally in Tulsa with no masks, Trump said he ordered slower testing to report lower covid cases.
Throwing the book at him: Former national security advisor John Bolton released a book about Trump this week. It shockingly reveals everything that we already knew, like his pleading China to help him win, not knowing where countries are and that his staff laughed at him behind his back. Trump’s estranged niece is also writing a book.
Corona Corner
All Dex on hand: Dexamethasone, a cheap drug, is found to be useful on people on ventilators, though questions remain.
Kiwi leaks: “Highest daily cases” now a daily thing. Beijing itself is seeing another outbreak and two new cases in NZ showing even sane leadership is going to have a challenge fighting the ruddy virus.
Good news
ET Now: Thankfully, there might now be 36 alien civilizations. Please come conquer us.
The court is in your ball: The conservative-led US SC actually blocked a signature Trump move that would bar children of undocumented immigrants from becoming citizens. Plus, one of Trump’s own conservative appointees upheld LGBTQ rights.
Plastic smile: This ‘Hug Tunnel’ in Brazil <3
Slip-sloppers
More in fake testimonials written by our top fans(!).
"I can't recommend TTS enough. Every Sunday I keep it open on my laptop when going to sleep, and for some reason, all the mosquitoes stay away. Who knew kothus were bhakt?" - Anupama
"I sent my guide an issue of TTS by mistake instead of my completed thesis. I don't know why, but I got an A+ and wasn't even called in for a defence. I've stopped questioning things since. Also, they make nice puns" - Aravind
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Tech it and go
HeyOS: There’s now a new email app called ‘Hey’. But Apple wants none of it and rejected it on the App Store.
Wal of course: Walmart will now allow Shopify merchants to sell on their marketplace. Together - a moat against Amazon?
Too big to bail: EU is getting into the antitrust battle against Big Tech as well! At a time when tech is getting bigger & more powerful than before.
That’s all for this week. If you’d like, you can get in touch: Instagram (Chuck | Tony), Twitter (Chuck | Tony), email. And again, if you REALLY like us and can afford to, consider supporting us on Instamojo or Patreon.
Until next week, may you remember several bad jokes from Orkut which are still just as bad and lovely.