The Third Slip: Issue 168 - Pretension is better than cure
Hello slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that’s like India's new Covid strategy - it’s practically useless, but on paper it seems like you’re doing something. No one is taking responsibility for anything and your spam folder is overflowing like they were hospital beds in an Indian city.
This is issue 168, which refers to the number of problems that we currently face in June 2020 - 168. Yes, we counted. And while it’s 69 problems (heh) more than what JayZ had to deal with, it’s still 1756 fewer than what HC Verma posed to us in our younger days. Instead of rambling on, why not feast on this gorgeous illustration by Harini Kannan on all the things we’re faced with before we move on to the news.
Everything else
Bleak. Lives matter?
Assume you had a coma in 2015 and woke up only now. You read about this crazy virus. “That’s a crazy virus”, you say. “I’m sure the Most Powerful Country In The World, probably with Hillary as its President is the bright spot”.
Then you open the papers. You see cops killed a black man which triggered massive protests around the country. You see cops teargassing & rubber-bulleting peaceful protestors. You see white supremacists cheering them on (the police. Not the P.P.). You see the new President is a racist reality star who brought in the army to clear protestors so he could do a photo-op with the Bible (and came a cropper when asked about the Holy Book’s details, like a 3rd grader faffing through a book review). So bad is this new President that his former secretary of defence - a man whose nickname is ‘MadDog’, denounced him viciously. America, the most powerful and respected country in the world at the time of your coma, is now a laughing stock (and you haven’t even seen the president’s other ‘achievements’ over the past 4 years). Then you read the rest of TTS and decide the coma was better.
Logout?
We’re dealing with a Leader Of The Free World whose tweets are so violent that an account that reposted everything Trump tweeted and got suspended in 3 days. Twitter did take some action last week, but Zuck’s happy keeping the madman’s rambles up, drawing criticism from civil rights groups and a virtual walkout by his employees.
In the worst cover-up possible, though, Zuck insisted what Trump said was okay, but what that nice Delhi politician said (“goli maroon salon ko”) was more the kind of stuff that should be kept off the platform. Congrats, BJP, you’re now a case study for what’s incendiary on Facebook! Also, anyone else nostalgic for the good ol’ days when our worries were just radicals shooting students?
Afterthought: Threatening to kill people is okay, but just saying ‘laal salaam’ is enough to get a UAPA charge and leading a peaceful protest is enough to land you in jail and have bail denied even when in an advanced state of pregnancy. Superpower 2020.
#finallywokeup
India’s faux wokeratti realised they finally had an issue that wouldn’t get them in trouble with the IT cell and decided to show support to #BlackLivesMatter. Great, perhaps now they could say a word or two about Kashmir, CAA, Delhi, the migrants, lynchings… Or if they want issues starting with cops kneeling on the poor, perhaps they could look at Jodhpur. But where’s the #socialcapital in that, no? Oh wait…
The elephant in the room
The enduring image of the week might be that elephant in Kerala. By now, readers of TTS know that while definitely tragic, it was conveniently spun by a very efficient right-wing propaganda machine. (Insert some well-deserved whataboutery with the cow whose jaw got blown off in Haryana, or the UP tigress that got beaten up or even the pregnant woman who died in a Noida ambulance for want of a hospital bed, and on-going injustice with Safoora Zargar.) Maneka Gandhi rightfully has an FIR filed against her for falsely communalising the issue.
But, if you are interested in the real issue at the heart of this tragedy, we recommend this twitter thread - cue ridiculous laws, unplanned and unnegotiated human encroachment into wild habitats, and poor farmers with no real alternatives.
Ache din finally came!!!
Who would have thunk?! When we were all distracted with all that’s happening along came a once in a century event - Cyclone Nisarga. Which should have ideally been called Ache Din because it was all hype and no substance. (Though some villages weren’t as lucky.)
Beijing, receiving
While the IT Cell is busy telling everyone to ban anything Chinese, Niti Aayog is happy to import bulletproof jackets for the army (“cost effective”), and MyGov is now on TikTok. Gosh, Amit Malviya must be a confused man these days. Thankfully the countries are sorting shit out at the border, even as Beijing tries to show strength after international criticism for letting that little virus thingy loose.
Let me kiss your sweet apocalypse
Which are as red as Russia’s Arctic rivers, and as hot as the Earth which despite lower emissions is trapping more CO2 than ever. Psst - don’t forget to head to Congo for a free Ebola outbreak!
Slip-sloppers
The Third Slip is a labour of love (or, because of our left slant, a love of Labour. Okay fine, a love of laboured puns.). Quite a few people have supported us and we’d like to say - thank you! This week we introduce a new section where we give ourselves fake testimonials written by our top fans(!).
"Machan I subscribed to TTS only because I thought it was a newsletter about Mark Waugh and Mahela Jayawardhena" - Ramya"
TTS is great fun, once I Google translated 50 issues, printed it out and sent it to the RSS office in Andheri East with a cover saying "Manifesto 2019". It's been in their shelf ever since" - levis517
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Corona Corner
Shape of U
Whatever your laments be with India’s central government, you can never accuse them of not being Ed Sheeran fans. Because, their favourite strategy is the Shape of U. In the latest and greatest U turn known to man, India has decided to go into Unlock mode when it has not even hit the peak for Covid-19. Actually, that’s not true. Hospitals hit peak capacity a long time ago. If anyone still cares for numbers, we just overtook the count of Italy (tally of I-taly? Tali bajao). Meanwhile, states like Delhi have decided to test less or not at all to keep the numbers in check, and Kerala is opening up even as it has seen a massive influx of incoming cases. Basically, India’s whole Covid strategy right now is an elaborate game of Russian Roulette. Just hope you don’t get a bullet to your brain. On the bright side, TheBestPMInTheWorldTM is making more acronyms.
Injecting Optimism
It is true that there are massive problems the world over, especially with poor countries suffering and rich countries eventually figuring out that hydroxychloroquine is dangerous, but on the bright side, global leaders came together to give $2b for a vaccine, the development of the Oxford vaccine is rapidly moving along, and a cheaper method of testing the virus has been found in Hyderabad. Meanwhile, Spain reported 0 deaths! Bring out the Christmas lights already, and also the tree because the US has now added 2.5m jobs and the unemployment rate is falling.
Step up and Step Down
While institutions have failed people around the world, ordinary (extraordinary?) individuals are stepping up. Starting with Reddit co-founder Alexis Ohanian stepping down from the board and urging for a black person to be put in his place. Let’s not forget how the civil society in India stepped up to help the poor and how some privileged people in US are pouring their hearts out to their black acquaintances. We go for seconds with the story of the Indian-American who sheltered a hundred protestors and pop over to take a look at KPop fans (!) hijacking a racist hashtag. And while, Srinagar locals collected 3 crores in a week to rebuild houses damaged in an encounter, we round up with a much needed story on tech increasingly finding balls to deal with world leaders.
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That’s it for now. Until next week, may your microwave always heat up your meal uniformly, to perfection. Bye!