The Third Slip: Issue 164 - My grandstanding > Migrant standing
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that likes to believe it's like mothers - we work on Sundays, don't get remuneration for our efforts, and no one really appreciates except for close family members, occasionally. But really, we're more like marketers on Mother's Day - hijacking trends for self-promotion. And feeling good about ourselves despite doing nothing concrete because we tried to say the right things at least.
This is issue 164. TTS, as we know is the sum of two imperfect squares - Chuck & Tony. But 164, is the sum of two perfect squares. Which means, if you take the root of this issue as a hypotenuse, you can draw a right angled triangle with the other two sides being 10 and 8. But, what route will issue 164 take? A slightly different one...
Corona Conversations - A Word Play
Prologue (Not pro-log):
World: Yaar I wish it was 2010 again.
Virus: Granted! All progress made over the last decade, undone.
World: That’s not what… Ok, at least you’ll unify us no?
Virus: GRANTED. Oops, did you say ‘unify’ or ‘tear apart’?
World: Ugh, never mind. At least all our plate-banging in India has worked no?
Virus: Being in India a few months, I know that “thali bajana” means “clap hands”. I’m honoured. I love it here and plan to stick around till ~2022.
Scene 1: Us & US (Guess vision 2020 of India being like USA came true)
USA: We’re going to see a peak of cases in June.
India: Hey, us too!
USA: We had things under control, and then we let things lift slightly, then chaos!
India: Hey, us too!
USA: The economy’s in the pits, but we’re just cared about bailing out our friends
India: Hey, us too!
USA: Our pandemic response is shrouded in secrecy!
India: Heh, come on, this is too easy.
USA: Hey wanna blame everything on China?
India: Already ahead of ya.
USA: Hey what crazy solution did you propose? Injection of bleach here lol
India: Haha water from the Ganga, those fools will believe anything (next up: gaumutra)
Madagascar: And we tried some weird herbal concoction too!
USA: Ah, you ignore your scientists, and listen to cronies as well?
India: Haha totally.
USA: Hey hey, what about treating workers badly?
UP & MP: LOL that gives us a nice idea, let’s destroy all labour laws so we can exploit the crap outta them.
US: Yaar but our press is still free :(
India: I can give you some tips…
Philippines: We can help. We just shut down our biggest broadcaster hehe
Russia: Ha, us too. We put the oppress in the press, nyet?
US: And also my approval ratings are tanking :(
India: lolnoob
India: BTW have you tried a shady app to surveil your population?
China: Oho.
Scene 2: Make India Migrate Again
BJP: Stay at home everyone! #BeSafe #StayIndoors #DearLeaderIsGr8
Migrants: Ok… I guess that means we’ll just stay here?
Bangalore: LOL not anymore, we destroyed your houses.
Migrants: Ok… I guess we’ll take a train back?
Karnataka: LOLno, we spoke to builders who want to exploit you so we’re cancelling trains
Migrants: Ok… I guess we’ll have to walk / cycle / hide in cement mixers back home
Government: Sure, why not? More of you killed on tracks, less headache for us. BTW we’re reluctantly starting trains again after some people outraged. Ugh.
Migrants: Ok, so at least we can take a train home now?
Railways: Ya but you need to give extra corona charge for the ticket first
Migrants: Wait, what… We need to pay?!
Government: Lol
Congress: WE’LL PAY
Govt + bhakt army: Shut up chomus. We mean Congress hehe. Anyway, you need medical certificate before you can go home
Migrants: But doctors are asking us for a lot of money :(
Govt: Ugh, you complain too much. Ok at least keep Aadhaar ready
Migrants: But :(
Govt: And here are the train tickets
Migrants: Ok but you’re a BJP worker. Why are you selling me a ticket… And why are you charging more than…
BJP Workers: * thrashes *
Migrants: Yaar you spend lakhs repatriating Indians abroad. Why can’t you just arrange for us to head back to our villages?!
BJP: Hmm, where’s my PR value calculator...
Centre: Oooh let’s make it difficult for poor people to get rations too.
Migrants: But what about our problems?
Centre: Yes, yes. This is a real issue, too much reporting has happened. Let’s launch an image correction exercise. Now, bye!
Epilogue
India: Gosh, we need a drink
Centre: Ok, let’s open… WHOA bad idea. Get lost all of you
Virus: Tee hee, this is fun
USA: (hic) ThaT vIruSh waS grOWn in A (hic) LaB
WHO: Er… no
China: Good.
WHO: (please leggo of my balls)
US Economy: I don’t feel too good
EU Economy: I’ve never felt worse
Rohingya: Someone please come get us? We’re still stuck at sea
Trump: The virus is over, no? Pandemic force, disband
USA: WTF
Trump supporters: YOU MEAN THE PLANDEMIC
Brands: We are all in this together.
Virus: You guys are a hoot. I’m extending my stay.
Modi-fied Trolley Problem
This week in “it’s so bad that we have no words, so we’ll take the scenic route instead”...
Illustration by Harini Kannan
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Everything other than the virus
Pulitzers anagram to prize slut: Three journalists won the prestigious Pulitzer prize for bringing out the truth about Kashmir under lockdown. They were promptly branded anti-national, degraded, and trolled by proud Indian nationalists. Meanwhile, in real Indian journalists news Sudhir Chaudhary who valiantly exposed his imaginative jihad ideas has an FIR against him. Meanwhile another brave patriotic journalist Amish Devgan also had a case filed against him for hate speech. How do we know the real Indian Patriots? Well, they generally retract everything they’ve said, make a U-turn and start putting out apologies. Thoda maryadha rakhiye etc.
Numb and number: YES Bank actually managed a profit of ₹3k crores thanks to some financial jugglery that would leave the Ministry of Finance red-faced.
Never waste a crisis: While nobody was looking… Excise on petrol hiked; Detention of J&K leaders extended by 3 months; Trump asks SC to stop release of Mueller documents; lots of bombs & pistols from a BJP leader’s home in MP.
Going South: When the pandemic abates, things will go back to normal. To the good old ways of putting the lives of workers in danger. Like, the gas leak in Vizag which killed 11 people, and affected thousands and an explosion of an industrial boiler in Neyveli in Tamil Nadu injuring 8 workers.
Two’s a company, tree’s a crowd: Some good news - two polluting companies in India had to pay. Expect the officials of the National Green Tribunal to be transferred any minute now!
Jonging your memory: Previously on North Korean Mad-Fuck: Could he be dead? Well, Kim Jong-un (or his body double anyway) is still alive.
Caracas jhoom loon main: Somehow ‘attempted Venezuelan invasion’ managed to find time to make the news.
Tech it and go
Æ dil hai Musk-il: Elon Musk’s new baby’s name is X Æ A-12… Um…
Consumed in moderation: FB has instituted its oversight Board. This will be an interesting experiment in content moderation. If you prefer a one-hour podcast instead check out our episode on this in the Simblified Podcast. Yes, yes. Our media tentacles spread far and wide. #poorMansRupertMurdoch
Be kind, rewind: Twitter’s trying out ways to make the platform nicer. By asking users to reconsider what they’re posting if it triggers an alarm.
LinkedOut: Some good things we read this week
A good read if you think capitalism in its current form sux. Else ignore.
One of the bigger mysteries right now is why some areas are affected and some are not (and well, India’s been lucky).
A really nice article on the past/future of the office
Did TTS just do a whole issue without writing about Kerala, you ask? Ha - saved it for the end. A look at the wonderful women of ASHA.
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, we’re on Instagram (Chuck | Tony) and Twitter (Chuck | Tony). Or you can reach us on good ol’ email. Until next week, may your neighbour ring your doorbell to hand over a bottle of alcohol, just because. Bye!