The Third Slip: Issue 149 - Sweat Dreams
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that is written by two men who, like the world’s best PMTM, make their faces shine with their own sweat. What’s more we both did engineering, which means we’ve both spent 4 years of our lives wearing the same clothes with nary a wash, and ignored what we were really supposed to do while wasting the resources of the taxpayer trying to improve our personal reputation. Vote for us in 2029. Or, if you want the Hindi version - “Bachna ae paseeno lo main aa gaya.”
This is issue 149. Which means, we’re almost exactly approximately definitely nearly surely just about precisely 1.5 times the word count of the Constitution of India. So, if you’ve read all 149 issues of TTS think of that opportunity cost. On the other hand, what’s there, Indians ignore the spirit of our constitution exactly like they ignore the spirit of TTS. Happy Republic Day to you too! On with the news...
At Home
Republic - putting the pub in relic: Readers in Mumbai, after you read all of the below and feel like you need a drink - good news, pubs are now open 24*7 (though they’ll serve the last drink at 1:30 AM). Okay, here we go… India made the cover of The Economist(not in a flattering way) and dropped 10 ranks in its Democracy Index. Runner up: The IMF which lowered India’s growth estimate. Meanwhile, the EU has moved a resolution against CAA. But, they’re pronounced Ewwww anyway. There’s still no clarity on what documents are needed for NRC. We’ve seen 4th year engineering college students more prepared for their dissertation.
Comfortably number: In a beautiful dance of numbers, the Supreme Court has started hearing 144 pleas against the CAA this week. Now if 272 constituencies could come to their senses next election. It was nice to see lawyers read out the Preamble, but referring it to a larger constitutional bench is going to take time. This is a long haul, folks.
Valley period: We still treat Kashmir as if we’re doing them a favour. This week, we gifted them access to 301 websites. Our fun party fact of “GTA has more websites to browse than North Korea” now has an add-on. Also in what reminded us of the “This is fine” meme this week: J&K’s LG inviting investors.
Poha haram hai: What’s the result of our “Uncle” attitude as spelled out by Faye D’souza? We get idiots like BJP leader Kailash Vijayvargiya saying stupid shit like “eating poha makes you Bangladeshi”. Which leads to much worse shit like the shelter of hundreds of slum dwellers being razed overnight because a BJP MLA in Bangalore thought they were Bangladeshis. On the bright side, from all this effort of making people insecure and homeless, our PM’s face is glistening with his own sweat. Meanwhile, the BJP’s new national president looks like the uncle in every housing society that abuses you for feeding stray dogs.
Derailing bigotry: To be honest, initially we joined the pro-test camp because we thought it was a toss up between One Day Internationals and Test matches, but it turns out it actually yields results. In Kerala, IRCTC was forced to roll-back its plan to exclude Kerala dishes and even threw in an additional fish curry to its menu after protests. Meanwhile, the Ministry of Home Affairs was forced to admit that they have no idea who constitutes the ‘tukde-tukde gang’ despite Manyavar Amit Shah going on about it. Need more heartwarming? Here’s a look at how Shaheen Bagh has become an open-air gallery! And just to round up this section, guess in which state a mosque hosted a Hindu wedding. Go on. Guess. You’re right.
Dolly Patreon Challenge: Get you a newsletter that can do it all
Haan, what? You want us to add words here also? Fiiiine. Please na? Subscribe, share with your friends, and if you love us more support us via Patreon or via UPI (thethirdslip@paytm). Zanks.
International
What Davos that all about?
Economics are so bad (53% of CEOs expect growth to decline), geopolitics even worse (trade wars) so everyone tried to distract themselves with the GD topic in vogue, climate change. But yeah, mostly nothing concrete came up, as fingers were pointed, facts denied and everyone traveled by private jet. Yes, some countries & companies made the right sounds, but let’s face it - with the US still in denial, attending banks financially supporting the hydrocarbon industry, and with turds like Saudi Arabia running afoot, we might as well quit our jobs and binge on Netflix (and read TTS). To sum everything up, a black child activist was cropped out of a photo!
Turn the other cheeky: Meanwhile, Pakistan reiterated how much it is shit scared loves China, Hong Kong acted as if protests never happened and two Davos plumbers turned out to be Russian spies (from rigging data pipes, to actual pipes themselves!). Bonus trivia: Autocratic countries have a higher share of global GDP than democracies for the first time since 1900.
:(
A new virus is in town: The Coronavirus is spreading from China (where 56 have died) and to other countries (1300 infected overall). While it’s not affected India yet, we’re waiting for the BJP to say something like drinking cow milk should keep us safe.
Groundup: There was an earthquake in Turkey, the US banned entry from more Muslim-majority countries, and it turns out Puerto Rico had hurricane supplies all along, just that nobody told them.
Yougo, Chavez: Venezuela’s “actual President” defied a travel ban and attended Davos to thunderous applause but everyone’s just wondering how he’s going to overthrow the guy who refuses to give up the title, even as millions of Venezuelans are fleeing the country.
:)
Headhague: The ICJ tells Myanmar to protect its Rohingya from genocide. To think they have to order a Nobel Peace Prize winner to do that! Whether Myanmar complies is another matter.
Worth railying around: Europe is adding more night trains as people look for alternatives to flying.
:-|
Is Trump impeached yet?: Well yes, but currently there’s a sham of a trial to see if he’ll be kicked out of office. He continues to shock - this time by attending an anti-abortion rally and threatening a trade war with the EU. The Democrats, in the meanwhile, are trying their best to lose - Hilary Clinton saying nobody likes (frontrunner) Bernie Sanders. Sigh, the Trump section of TTS ain’t going away in a hurry :(
Inglorious Bastard: The only thing more disgusting than Harvey Weinstein is his defence strategy.
It’s the economy, Dumbasscus: Finally, it’s all about the money. Syria’s dictaturd Bashar al-Assad is facing protests because of the terrible economic situation. (Careful, this is the man who chemically killed his own people)
Hollow cause: Many world leaders convened in Jerusalem on the 75th anniversary of the Auschwitz liberation. They said all the right things but given that Mike Pence and Putin were there, you can’t help but feel a little sceptical, like those Jews did when the nice Nazis said, “come on, just a small joyride”.
:P
Prime Amazon: Turns out the Saudis hacked Jeff Bezos’ phone, possibly because he owns the Saudi-critical Washington Post.
Oops! A Facebook error translated Xi Jinping’s name to “Mr Shithole”. Given how the China banned Winnie The Pooh after people pointed out the similarities (true story!), one wonders how he’s dealing with this.
Tech
Lawyered: Facebook has more law might than the IRS - reeling under budget cuts - in a tax fight. It’s also ok with all those climate change deniers in Australia. And you wonder why everyone hates Zuck <3
oh.no: The decision to sell the rights of the .org domain sparked a backlash showing nobody really trusts capitalism anymore.
For what it’s worth: Tesla’s worth more than GM and Ford - combined, and Alphabet is now worth more than $1 trillion.
Google Minus: So it turns out YouTube knows their moderators watching horrible videos will cause PTSD and asks them to sign a form saying they’re aware of the risks.
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, we’re on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). Or you can reach us on good ol’ email. Until next week, may you realise again that the person who is the most unkindest in their estimation of you is you. Bye!