The Third Slip: Issue 142 - Off your onion
The Third Slip is now available as a PDF as well- Read issue 142 - PDF version
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that's like a caveman hunting a mammoth of news with a rudimentary handcrafted spear. It's not done by experts, is largely hit and miss, doesn't address all sides, and it's highly likely that the caveman will be sat on by the mammoth. But at least he might emit some funny sounds in the process and make us chuckle for a bit.
This is issue 142. 1 for 2, of course, is the standard Indian order for soup in any restaurant. Which is kind of appropriate because given the state of the economy now we can't even afford to we're all together in a shared soup. Without onions. Because they cost a lot. But not as much as the price you pay for following the news...
At Home
NDA lie is not an anagram of denial
This is a week in which the only laughs we’ll get are from the Emperor’s New Tailors in parliament. Our stalwart leaders who put satire writers to shame. Starting off with BJP MP Virendra Singh Mast who asked “If car sales are down, why are there traffic jams?”. Not to be left far behind, Union Environment Minister Prakash Javedkar told parliament that “No Indian study has shown pollution shortens life. Let us not create fear psychosis among people.” Swiftly moving on…
How many ministers does it take to change an onion bulb?
With some artistic license, an onion resembles a lotus bud. But it has been deemed anti-national by the lotus louts who run the nation because its price has hit Rs 200/kg leading to a beautiful pavlovian reaction of tears in your eyes even when you think of one. FM Nirmala Sitharaman helpfully added that she comes from a family that does not eat “onions or garlic, so don’t worry” in response to a question, only for another minister to clarify her comment saying "I am a vegetarian. I have never tasted an onion. So, how will a person like me know about the situation of onions?"
Meanwhile, the BJP might find a foothold in Kerala finally where students are rejoicing at the onion price rise because now their meat puffs will finally have more meat than onions. Now, they say, if only we can get the price of potatoes to rise too so we can rescue our meat cutlets as well.
News we all know, wish we didn’t, but have to talk about
The situation with heinous rape crimes and law and order in India this week - the Unnao rape victim died after being set on fire by her alleged rapists who were out on bail. While in Hyderabad, the police shot dead four accused rapists because doing proper police work like filing an FIR on time, and doing proper police work is too hard. To make matters worse, the seemingly extrajudicial act was cheered on by people, media, and politicians alike setting a very dangerous precedent where laws of justice could be perverted permanently. Oh, and we all found the lighter side to another rape accused fleeing the country and setting up his own nation because, hey his videos are so stupid they’re funny.
He's making a list, He's checking it twice...
You better watch out, You better not cry, You better not be a religious minority, I'm telling you why, Shah and a Clause is coming to town. In its bid to make India a Hindu rashtra, the BJP has pushed the Citizenship Amendment Bill which basically says everyone but Muslims from some neighbouring countries (except Myanmar, of course) are welcome to join in. If the CAB passes muster and the SC approves it too, it will be the final nail in the coffin of “the idea of India”. It was nice while it lasted, wasn’t it? Meanwhile, Kashmir is still under lockdown and being inactive on Whatsapp for 4 months, several Kashmiris have been kicked off the platform.
DIY comic of the week
Imagine this week’s comic on your own by drawing out the following description:
*e-commerce delivery guy picking up the product “Idea of India” being returned with the reason “No longer needed” while the bubble wrap which it came in (captioned Constitution) is being popped one at a time to great satisfaction by a laughing custodian.*
International
Headline of the week
“Trump creates evidence faster than the House can draft impeachment articles” - Washington Post. It’s not been a great week for the tangerine turd as aw experts testified saying he sure as hell did impeachable things, even as his duffer personal lawyer is trying his best to show Trump as guilty. All this moodiness led to “trade war with China might end only after 2020 elections”. If your BP is high, don’t check your stock portfolio.
Why is China cheap? Because they have hollow cost going on
In countries which real India wishes it could emulate news... This week, China used DNA samples to recreated the faces of ethnic Muslims while making face-scans mandatory for new phone connections. And while a lot of the NATO meet coverage centred around Trump’s idiocy, the sensible part of it focused on ‘WTF do we do about China, man?’ Hmm, that’ll take some spin.
When it Tehrans, blood pours
Major protests are happening in Iran. It started with high oil prices, but protestors used it as an excuse to bring in years’ worth of frustrations. The government is fighting back, killing hundreds of its own citizens, even as nearby Iraq joins in the fun with its own protests.
Sab change hai
Okay, scientists, we get it - the planet is fucked, stop putting out large, well-researched reports every week. The public is now largely numb, spineless leaders ain’t gonna do anything about it (heck, would Saudi Aramco have a massive IPO otherwise?).
Energy boost
It’s not all doom and gloom, cheaper batteries are making solar power more accessible round the clock/year. And Ford is making cars from… McDonald’s coffee waste!
AI AI AI!
We don’t care what your Black Friday sales strategy was, it won’t beat what Cards Against Humanity did. They pitched AI against human writers and the humans will either get fired or receive a bonus depending on how they fare. Meanwhile, it’s been scientifically proven that The Third Slip cannot be written by AI bots, because it’s so random. But if you do want to keep us going, how about helping us with a voluntary subscription on Patreon? Now we have a special Black Friday offer - subscribe with 37.34% off on the tier you would like. LOL.
Tech cetera
A pichai is worth a thousand forwards
The biggest news of the week here was Sergei and Larry stepped down from Alphabet, leaving Sundar Pichai in charge, an upgrade from running just Google. This is just symbolic - the talismanic founders weren’t doing much anyway, but they retain a lot of voting power. Plus, many wonder whether Alphabet needs to exist and Pichai has all those annoying employees striking about things like working with evil people and stuff. Still, expect proud Indian Whatsapp forwards to be circulated.
Ad nauseam
Facebook is still okay with ads with fake claims. In Singapore, it added a sassy label on an article, as the government found some news not to its liking. Oh and in Europe, the company’s ex-moderators are suing it for inducing trauma.
T’s the season to be jolly - ok, good tech news now.
YouTube says people spend 70% less time watching conspiracy videos. Pinterest has been very good at blocking harmful content. Google continues to invest in ‘wellness’ features. Some big tech companies pledged renewed commitment to fighting climate change.
Uncle, please sit
Hilarious. Facebook built a chatbot to help employees navigate questions from that prying uncle during the holidays, and someone built a brilliant spoof.
LinkedOut
Airports need to protect themselves against rising seas.
The Mueller report was giant and boring. So the Washington Post is helpfully turning it into a graphic novel.
You normally don’t expect inspiring news to come out of the Philippines these days. But some NGOs are hoping to make fossil fuel companies pay for their role in climate change (of whose aftereffects the country is a recipient)
Always nice when foreign publications do long-reads about how badly we’re doing as a country. This week - New Yorker.
Carbon credits… Might not work. Sorry.
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, we’re on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). Or you can reach us on good ol’ email. Until next week, may all your DMs be solicited and/or pleasant. Bye!