The Third Slip: Issue 141 - Between a Rocky and a hard place
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Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that believes laughter is the best medicine...KRRRRSSSSSHZZZZZTTHZZZZZ *microphone static*
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Our friends: * nudging us * That could have been you
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(confused?)
This is issue 141. 141 incidentally is the number of calories you would burn, on average, by rolling your eyes at and processing the humour in an issue of The Third Slip. Which means, you can read TTS AND drink a beer and remain calorie-neutral. So crack open a cold one as we get cracking with the news…
The Decade-end International Strongman Awards
Before we get into the news, it’s the end of the year and the decade all that. So here’s our strongman award shortlist. Who’s your daddy?
First on the table of STREANH - his unbeatable gift of gab has led some people to nickname him mouth ka saudagar, but he is so much more. The star of Man v/s Wild, he even beat crocodiles as a child. And quite possibly was bitten by one, leaving him with an unmatched ability to bring out crocodile tears at the drop of a hat. The substantial subcontinent strongman.
The classic Russian strongman, Vladimir Putin. Ticks all the boxes - ex-KGB, rides horses shirtless, and is prepared to throw you judo style if you so much as beat him at ludo. In Soviet Russia, the strongman picks you.
He is so much more than the average man that his name is Roman equivalent of 11. Xi Jinping is so strong that he got Winnie the Pooh banned in China because some clowns thought it looks like him. Take that!
Rounding up the puffed-up parade is the latest and greatest entrant - the elitist in the elite list, the yuge uncle scrooge, the man who makes a meal of a deal, his fingers may be little but they linger a little too long… Um where were we? Oh yeah, it’s Donald Trump - who this week, unironically tweeted this with zero context…
Tell us your favourite strongman and we can predict your future. Yes, really.
International News news now...
Rocky road
A bunch of (mostly good) Trumpeachment things are happening, and impeachment proceedings will start again next week. But it's unlikely to have any impact on public opinion, and he’s going to be around for a while yet.
The Apple doesn’t fall far
Possibly taking inspiration from China, Russia became a cartographic bully by forcing Apple to add Crimea to Russia instead of Ukraine. Of course, we could make an Apple Maps joke here…
Sculpture vultures
A bit of nonsense in Britain which, you’ll remember, is trying to solve Brexit with a general election. Current PM Boris Johnson didn’t show up for a climate change debate and in fine British humour fashion, was replaced with a melting ice sculpture. Top class! Meanwhile, we’re living through a climate emergency as emissions just keep increasing and China keeps making coal plants. But, at least, globally coal-based electricity production is reducing.
Ethnical violation
Another leaked set of reports about China’s jails camps for their ethnic Muslims (good thing TikTok makeup videos now address this issue). Make no mistake, this is a holocaust. Which no one cares about. Because, China is handsome China is strong, Xi’s really cute and his chairmanship is long!
Solidarity > Soldierity
After all those protests, Hong Kong voted overwhelmingly for pro-democracy candidates, which makes China mad. Add to this, Trump signed a bill backing protestors, which makes China more mad and HKers praise Trump. Let’s see how this affects the trade war.
Resign of the times?
And another protest-besieged country - Iraq - caused in the resignation of its PM this week (corruption, Iran interference, that kinda thing). Who knew protests work?
Group huddle time
Don’t look now, but it’s likely that we’ve now hit a 1000 subscribers across all platforms we’re available on! This might seem like Gavaskar’s 36* in 60 overs, but at least it’s definitely not as solid or stylish. Er… um… okay, what we mean is, we would love to reach out to more people now and you can help AND get on Santa’s nice list. Subscribe on WhatsApp or Email, and share with your like-minded friends. Oh and if you want extra special gift from Santa, fund us – one time via UPI on thethirdslip@paytm, or longer a voluntary subscription on Patreon. Tis the season!
At Home
Comic Belief: Maha-guts-bandhan
What a racket!
Previously, on Mahaharashtra: The BJP said it would make short work of the floor test, and it did (by giving up before it happened). It also said Maharashtra has a bright future ahead, and it probably does (by not having those guys in power).
After all the jokes, all parties have basically made a mockery out of the elections. Udhav Thackeray is the new CM of an alliance wobblier than a drunk human pyramid on a motorcycle navigating the roads in Mumbai during monsoons.
Here’s to 5 more years of old mismanagement in a new livery, even if there’s a very ambitious Common Minimum Programme, as the BJP should wonder why its national hegemony doesn’t translate to states and India should wonder what a mockery has been made of key institutions, again. At least this whole thing gave us much to laugh at, like Ajit Pawar getting cleared of all his scams while the BJP was wooing him and this prize Amit Shah comment. All said and done, while everyone has lost in this absolute farce fest, we’d be lying if we said we’re feeling a bit of Shahdenfreude right now.
Parking up the wrong tree
For all the cynicism above on Maharashtra politics, the new CM did stall work on the Aarey Forest car-shed, like he said he would (though one could argue the Supreme Court already ordered this… But we’ll take what we get).
Toilet humour
The Indian economy is like me carrying a cellphone into the loo - in the toilet for an inordinately long time, and does not give a shit. This week, we’ve got more numbers (if those are still things) - the quarterly GDP growth has hit a 6 year low of 4.5%. You know things are beginning to get serious when senior industrialists openly start speaking up against ministers, to their face. Meanwhile, unemployment in rural areas almost doubled. It’ll be fun to see how the Creative Statistics Department justifies this. “More people are prosperous, so they don’t need to work” is our bet.
Gender oonja rahe hamara
A Transgender Bill was passed. It’s actually… going to make things worse... because it needs certification as opposed to self-identification amongst other things. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. Unless of course you are creating a newsletter.
Blogging in
In case you didn’t know, TTS is not a newsletter. It’s a blog. Or so we may soon have to say since the government is now keen to get Digital News Media registered etc. Minimum government and all that.
Sitting on the defence
Undertrial terrorist & BJP MP Pragya Thakur’s bad press seems to have got to the optics-hungry ruling party, who finally removed her from that defence panel after she interrupted parliament to call Godse a deshbhakt (again) (but what’s she doing in Parliament, anyway?).
Tech & Biz
Tethics?: The inventor of the web, Tim Berners-Lee, unveiled a global plan to save his invention and has the backing of many people (er… but Amazon’s missing, perhaps they’re busy injuring all their warehouse employees?)
Borderline evil: Google fired employees who protested its work with the US border patrol.
IT GOes without saying: The Go champion who lost to Google’s AI has retired, citing technology as the reason!
LinkedOut
The best things we read this week which are not the news
Stunning article about how the future of banking is based on the fact that you’re broke, but won’t do anything to fix the underlying problems.
This fabulous story uncovering the secrets of the strange royal family of Oudh.
By killing the NSO, the Indian government pretty much shows it doesn’t care about numbers and reality (free sign-in needed).
A superb article by a young biologist taking on science deniers and talking about how “scientists are not stupid”.
Sanity is returning to Indian startups - but not after a crisis. Thanks, Softbank.
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, we’re on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). Or you can reach us on good ol’ email. Until next week, may your ability to give it a second chance always trump your second thoughts. Bye!