The Third Slip: Issue 136 - Jio-metric progression
The Third Slip: Issue 136 - Jio-metric progression
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that is like BSNL. We’ve been around before the medium was popular, we make no money, and we’re upended by new-age fancy pants newsletters that are backed by powerhouses and just take over the market. But we’re still here for all you newsletter pensioners.
This is issue 136, written on Diwali day in 2019. Diwali, of course, celebrates the victory of light over darkness, good over evil, and knowledge over ignorance. And given how expensive airline tickets are during this season, it’s aptly called the festival of flights. On with the news...
Why so serious?
A million thanks to everyone who recommended us, and a big hi to all our new subscribers. The Third Slip falls under the section labelled “Apocalyptic Cheer”, but we’re going to let you settle in a little easy with some cheer-worthy stuff. To our long-time readers, expecting a dive into the deep end straight away, we’re sorry. But like the world’s best patriots say “Kashmir maango, cheer denge”.
Kuch toh logo kahenge
The logo for the Paris Olympics was unveiled this week, France was appalled. And the perfect meme followed. Just in case you do not understand this, you have a bonus 4 hours of Fleabag enjoyment to look forward to.
P o r n identity
The story of human progress is linked to its quest to watch p o r n better. After the VR industry, now a British University offers a course in p o r n. Probably during these classes, students will surreptitiously read Heat Transfer books.
Born supremacy
Google achieved quantum supremacy, which is a big deal. Essentially they made computers that can go really, really fast. The possibilities are endless, but we’re not quite sure how at the moment. Except for giving salespeople new jargon to use in pitches to replace “blockchain” which has become too mainstream now.
Bern Ultimatum
We’ll be blunt about this. Bernie Sanders released a plan to legalize pot, at 4:20 on Thursday! Wheed!
At Home
AGRiculture
It’s no secret that the telecom players in the country are, to use a milder term, phone-icated. MTNL & BSNL are quite screwed, so the government is making a bailout package and approved a merger. Meanwhile, Airtel and Vodafone got a massive, telling blow to the back of the head with the help of a Supreme Court verdict that asked them to pay out an insane amount of money for something called Adjusted Gross Revenue, and its fines, interest etc. Oh, who’s that telecom player who’s laughing their way to the bank? Jio, mere lal!
Poll position
In election news, Maharashtra and Haryana will see BJP led coalition governments again. This is as quotidian as India winning a test series at home. What is newsworthy, however, is the gains made by the opposition which is more invisible than ever. Meanwhile, NOTA finished second in one Maharashtra constituency!
Prisoner’s dilemma
Things were less straightforward in Haryana, with JJP winning enough seats to form a government with either the BJP or the Congress. This is a really hard game theory problem when the founder of JJP is in Tihar jail for 10 years. After long, arduous consideration, they went with the BJP. Oh, and Ajay Chautala got out of jail the next day. Isn’t democracy wonderful?
Putting the prop in propaganda
If the plot in Haryana seemed too predictable, it’s only another indication of how the ease of doing business has gone up further under this visionary regime. But, do they rest on their laurels? No chance. After deservedly winning multiple Captain Planet awards from reputed world agencies, PM Modi has now empowered women - to copy-paste what he tells them to. Superb. The power is yours!
Molar policing
Everything is okay, says the crime report released by the government, a setting as convincing as a TamBrahm boy telling parents he is eating only veg food while contorting his tongue to fish for that piece of chicken stuck in between the molars. There’s a 30% jump in crimes against the state. Especially sedition. And some crimes by “anti-national elements”. But there’s no mention of lynchings. Aforementioned boy is now freshening his mouth with Propaganda Rajnigandha.
Choc and cheese
McKinsey says half the world’s banks aren’t prepared for a downturn. Why did we leave this in the India section? Oh no reason, really… Because you only tell man, “how can the economy be slowing down if ITC launches the most expensive chocolate in the world?”
Free speech, but only on Jio
In a blatant, but expected violation of fundamental rights in Kashmir, anyone freed from detention has to sign an agreement saying they can be put back in jail if they speak about article 370. BTW, they’ve shut down major departments on human rights, information etc. Oh, and Nagaland warns officials not to criticize the government’s policies. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Diwali Dhamaka!
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Around the world
We wish for a news-free week as much as you do. So, this time around let’s make you a quick sandwich.
Top sliceWe think the ten-time World’s Worst Human Being list topping ISIS chief Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi has killed himself during a US strike. Trump tweeted “Something big has just happened” without waiting for things like a confirmation or any such niceties. An official statement is set to follow, but hopefully, good riddance.
Layers of meat
Brexit: Still chaos.
Trump: Still trying his best to get himself impeached. Maybe he shouldn’t have abused all those law enforcement agencies who’re lining up to testify against him.
Hong Kong: Still rioting.
New riots: Lebanon (because corruption). Chile (economy). Ecuador (trying to take indigenous land), Iraq (why not)
Canada: Trudeau won but the country’s more divided than before.
Turkey: Walking around with balls of steel ever since Russia added it to its professional network.Russia itself? Still trying to woo other countries just to piss off the US.China & Saudi? Still making everyone bend over backwards because money.
Journalists: Still being killed (this week - Panama Papers)
Bottom of the food chain
Balls of the week award goes to Harvey Weinstein who went to an event for emerging female talent (oh boy) and promptly got called out by a comedian.
Tech & Biz
Putting the con in Silicon
WeWork’s founder had a company that can’t decide whether it’s worth $50b or nothing - doesn’t matter, he’s still walking away with close to 2b. Ah, Silicon Valley.
Self-serving
Tesla’s making a profit, but Musk normalized things by overpromising something else - full self-driving capabilities by end 2019!
News news now
Zuck - you have to admire his audacity - after all the privacy concerns around FB, he goes ahead and tries to launch a cryptocurrency. We suppose this is from the Hair of the Dog cure school of thinking. Anyway, he was promptly roasted by AOC, and ended the week by launching a News Tab. BTW, LinkedIn is hiring journalists too!
Discovering profit
Meanwhile, Snapchat is still a thing and doing well primarily due to a feature called Discover. What is that you ask? Well TBH, we have no idea. We recommend you just wait for the next Instagram update.
Consume in moderation
TikTok insists it’s doing nothing shady and complying with all rules etc even as several people are worrying about misinformation… We’ve seen this (byte)dance before.
LinkedOut: The best things we read this week
Love him or hate him, Trump has made the presidency un-boring.
The man who treated his own company like an ATM, rode it to death and walked away with a fuckton of money - the talented Adam Neumann.
This must-long-read is the heart-rending story of Afghanistan’s shattered dream of peace.
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, we’re on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). Or you can reach us on good ol’ email. Until next week, may your Diwali hampers be soan papdi free. Bye!