The Third Slip: Issue 131 - Malice in wonderland
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that aspires to be like little kids - for their absolute moral clarity, and absurdly wonderful humour. So far, we’ve got to the level of writing like little kids, hopefully, the rest will follow at some point.
This is issue 131, and over the last 130 weeks, we’ve come to realise that proper editors work by the mantra that wordplay is distracting and detracts from the seriousness of the points made by the piece. We endorse this wholeheartedly and is precisely the reason why we litter our writing with puns. And so, if you can’t spot puns in this issue please don’t take us seriously! They exist but maybe in the form of chapter names from an all-time great children’s author’s masterpiece - a loose carol if you will. On with the serious silly stuff...
At Home
Down the arbit-hole: Everything is okay in Kashmir because we still have no idea what is going on and the authorities insist it’s because there’s nothing to report. And why shouldn’t we believe them? It’s not like the home minister will emphatically tell us that Farooq Abdullah is just chilling because he likes to and then arrest him under the completely arbitrary Public Safety Act. Wait, that happened? Oh okay… um... Meanwhile, the Pakistan-controlled side wants independence… further complicating things and nobody is quite sure how to outrage. If there is a paradox on earth this is it, this is it, this is it.
A car-pool of tears: Blaming millennials for using Uber and Ola did not energise the Indian economy for some strange reason. In a move that, at least, shows that the government is out of denial mode, FM Nirmala Sitharaman announced a huge tax cut for corporates on Friday. While it boosted the stock market for sure, experts opine that it might not be enough and it definitely increases financial risk. But then, we all know trickle-down economics always works - which is why we’re happy when there’s a 1.4 lakh crore tax cut for corporates, but outraged when farmers are given subsidies. Don’t do the maths and all okay.
Advice for a Caterpillar: While these bulldozers are preparing to cut down a fuckton of trees in Aarey, world-famous sellouts patriots Amitabh Bachchchchchan and Akshay Kumar took to twitter to tell us about the benefits of the metro system. Now, now don’t be quick to laugh in their faces, the first time we encounter something we’ve never experienced before we’re super excited too. But “FFS we’re not against the metro, we’re against car shed in Aarey”.
ENDS in a little bill: Nirmala Sitharaman this week announced that e-cigarettes AKA Electronic Nicotine Delivery Systems (ENDS) are banned in India because the young uns are taking up vaping, which is affecting their health. Wait, why is the FM announcing this? Oh right, the stock prices of conventional tobacco companies shot up promptly after the announcement. Cool, cool.
The garden of live flowers: In addition to a traditional photo op with this mother, PM Modi celebrated his birthday this time by releasing a bag of butterflies. Mad haters on the internet said “great, now please do the same with Kashmir also”. Meanwhile, he flew to Texas to attend Howdy Modi and address a huge gathering with Donald Trump. Fake news peddlers are saying there will be protesters attending too. We will believe it if we see it on our news channels.
International stuff
A mad tea-party
Welcome, sir, the dish of the season is Afghan bombings. We must warn you, we don’t have wings - 3 billion birds have been lost in North America since 1970.
Our special, though, is the Yemen crisis, with hints of Iran. That’s a very complicated dish, sir, and definitely reeks of US supporting Saudi Arabia because $$oil$$! Why would there be a drone attack on large oil plants otherwise? Comes with a side of sanctions.
Something American, perhaps? How about Trump saying California cannot have tough emission standards that would save the world or asking the Ukrainian president to investigate Joe Biden and saying that’s ok?
We don’t have anything slow-cooked, sir - but if you like slow, we recommend the global economy which is at its slowest in a decade. Recession, not risotto.
If you like it well done, how about some Benjamin Netanyahu? He could lose the Israeli prime ministership. And since Trump doesn’t like losers, he’s already starting to distance himself. Aw. Stick a fork in it, and dig in.
How would you like your Trudeau, sir? I recommend brownface and even blackface - ah bet you never expected that from Justin, eh? Goes well with some socialism champagne.
Would you prefer some spicy Schezwan khichdi instead? Look no further than our signature dish Hong Kong Gone Wrong. Protestors throwing bombs at officials drowned in an army of Chinese twitter trolls. Served with a side of Country is trying to get PR agencies to rebrand itself.
Oh, you want a distraction, sir? The Area 51 meme-turned-event-turned-music-festival should be up your alley.
For dessert, we recommend Brexit - always a hilarious way to wrap up a depressing meal. This week, we have this brilliant painting by Banksy, the Luxembourg PM pointing to an empty chair where Boris should’ve been, and Boris comparing himself to The Incredible Hulk only to be told off my Mark Ruffalo. Do you need further proof of the pudding?
A raucous case and a long tale: Remember that famous whistleblower Edward Snowden? He now has a book and none of his concerns about a surveillance state since then, have changed. The US promptly sues him.
Aung San Sue Ki: Myanmar’s leader, Aung San Suu Kyi, once a Nobel peace prize winner, could now face international prosecution for her military’s treatment of the Rohingya.
Greta Expectations: 16-year-old climate activist Greta Thunberg (Swede, naturally) sailed to the US and is creating a stir there. She testified in Congress and said, “Don’t listen to me, listen to the scientists”. She has inspired a week-long student-led climate change protest in 150 countries around the world (except China, where doing such things can get you killed). She’s speaking at the UN. Again, sixteen years old. This is what kids are capable of when they’re not wasting their lives preparing for IIT exams.
Tech
It’s my own intervention: This week was also significant in the [Silicon Valley x Climate Change x employee protests] Venn Diagram intersection: Microsoft employees planned a strike, and others are joining in. Amazon and Google management pledged a lot of money and brains to make sure they do work more eco-sensitively. It’s amazing how well-minded people take things into their own hands when politicians fail - in a way, you could say this is another good thing to come out of the Trump presidency. Anyway, if you hate Big Tech, just hang around till 2100, when climate change will submerge all their HQs in Silicon Valley.
The lyin’ and the unicorn: WeWork delayed its IPO after investors finally started asking Kevin O’Leary-esque questions.
Through the looking glass: If you feel you’ve not got your quota of Facebook snooping on you, the new Portal devices should do just that, as might the rumoured AR glasses. The company that brought you Cambridge Analytica watching you (not just listening!) at all times - how comforting is that? But kudos to Facebook for actually trying to do something: Like setting up its own internal court that will rule on whether content should be removed from its platform, giving it the power to even override the Zuck. This is interesting.
Malice’s evidence: All tech companies seem to have learnt from the mistakes made in the previous election - or are at least keen to escape scrutiny - so everyone is upping their security and quality game. Implementing will be a challenge - FB’s content moderators are pretty scarred, for example. Incognito mode on Maps? Yes, please.
Humpty Dumpty: Richard Stallman, a pioneer of open-source software, has now been cancelled having ‘supported’ Jeffrey Epstein’s raping of young girls.
LinkedOut: The best things we read this week
The terrible loneliness of the Zomato / Swiggy delivery guy (be nice and give them a tip)
Social media might get a lot of flak for making pristine locations tourist havens - but it also just encourages people to get outdoors. Surely, that’s not a bad thing?
On a sad note, one of the authors (Chuck) lost his beloved cat this week. Here’s a small tribute to a small, beautiful cat who went too early. Rest in peace, Anna.
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, we’re on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). Or you can reach us on good ol’ email. Until next week, may you always have the courage to intend all your puns.