The Third Slip: Issue 114 - We don’t need no education, we do need some thought control
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the only weekly newsletter that exists in a filter bubble that hangs in space beyond the realms of on-ground reality. That’s right, everything in this newsletter sounds factual but is actually just a figment of your imagination. Don’t worry though, this hallucinogen is not known to have any adverse health effects - but then, what do we know? Hah!
This is issue 114. The numbers 11, of course, represents the parallel universe in which this weblication exists and 4 refers to the total number of real readers we have. The team Real Reader refers to one who would reject our proposal to resign from writing this futile newsletter - mostly because we write that offer in a white typeface on a white background. But enough of the news - what’s the point anyway. We might as well turn this into a support group for the 4 of you. Presenting...
Anti-nationals Anonymous: This is a safe space where you can come in and have your say. This week, we have our first confession
“Hi, my name is Krishnankutty (name changed) and I am an anti-national. I believed that India had a parliamentary system of elections where we all vote for the best MP candidate and not a presidential system. I also thought that if at all people voted directly for the government at the centre it would be based on facts and figures rather than on optics. I also believed that the principles of social justice were important. I'm not sure what to do now.”
Dear Krishnankutty (name still changed), you were very wrong. As countless think pieces have by now told you, Indians are not myopic, you should go watch a biopic. You think this is bad? Wait till you see a hot take in the Mint which talks about how Shah and Modi are the Wozniak and Jobs of democracy. You might also be under the radar-free cloud of thought that you are being gaslighted by conformists, but no, you are actually 100% wrong. The best way out of this situation is to put a slightly easy pivot that’s not at odds with your core beliefs and then slowly ease into an apathetic apolitical position. We recommend you go with “I am not a fan of the BJP’s totalitarian politics, but as an MBA I find their marketing strategy to be top class...” and then proceed from there. So long.
Would you like to write into Anti-nationals Anonymous? Email us!
If you’re still here, we have some news that’s completely baseless...
At home
So, er, ah, that happened. By now you’d have heard all the opinions (educator lost, terrorist won, etc) so there’s no point rambling about all that. All we can say is - good luck to India and dissenters over the next five years our freedom of press rank is at 140 out of 180 countries… Right, let’s get on with it
Flight or fright: In news that “always used to happen ya but social media is just needlessly amplifying it” this week - some people killed a Dalit in Gujarat; then the son of an RTI activist they’d already murdered; thrashed a Muslim couple in MP - remember, this is since May 23rd, Thursday. Meanwhile, some Indian Muslims are frightened enough to say “yeah build a temple or whatever, just don’t kill us?”. That’s one way to tackle the fear in the minds of people. Just like you don’t need to worry about the environment if you destroy it altogether.
Why does liberal anagram to Braille?: Because they’re blind. RIP Indian secularism, liberalism and all those anti-national things and let’s just get used to the fact that hate and fearmongering works and sells, and that Modi’s going to be around selling it for a long time. All libtards and newsletter-writers across the country must be wondering how to migrate to Kerala fastcool or get their act together instead of outraging over each other for they’re grammer. Just, don’t do it :)
Morning, RaGa: Anyway, don’t worry - the Congress has decided to change everything, starting by rejecting Rahul Gandhi’s offer to resign. What’s the big deal, so did Mamata Banerjee you say? Well, RaGa has blamed the election defeat on politicians asking for seats for their children. Hey doctor, I’ve been cured of my irony deficiency. Don’t hold your breath on these guys waking up and smelling the coffee.
Seat dreams: Looking to become an MP? Commit a crime, your chances will increase drastically. Don’t take our word for it - take the word of 50% of India’s new MPs.
Hope
Haridas, capital!: Meanwhile, Remya Haridas became Kerala’s only Dalit and woman MP against massive odds. Handpicked by Rahul Gandhi after a Talent Hunt in 2010, Remya who hails from Kunnamangalam (IIMK shoutout!) beat a seasoned LDF candidate, massive odds, and a shameful negative campaign. More power!
Suspension of disbelief: What a lovely world it would be if Modi’s speechwriter also ran the country? After taking charge, in his first address, he urged parliamentarians to work for inclusive development and sabka vishwas, also going on to say that they should hold him to his promises and if he fails to honour them, they could burn him in 50 days curse him. What we’re saying is: they promised development last time and delivered bigotry. This time they promised bigotry, so maybe they'll deliver development?
Forget a beer, give us a hug this week.
Normally we try to pull at heartstrings so you can give us your hard-earned money in exchange for zero journalism and bad jokes. This week, though, we’d prefer hugs.
Of course, if you think money is better, by all means, support us on Patreon, or UPI (thethirdslip@paytm).
International News
United state of America: The president refuses to cooperate with Democrats until all this investigation stops. Though, it might be an Indian dude - Judge Amit Mehta - who starts derailing things for Trump, as he ordered L’Orange’s accounting firm to hand over financial records to Congress. Meanwhile, Trump is openly threatening to bomb Iran. Why not, the US is a country that is suffering from Measles in 2019 and border agents running over migrants, if not allowing 2-year-olds to die. And that’s just this week. On the plus side, women are marching to protest abortion bans and more states want the US to shift to a ‘popular vote’ method than the current flawed electoral college system. Good thing half the country’s legalized weed. They’ll need it.
Brazil nut: Recent news from Brazil has not been encouraging - a nutjob who has the mouth of Trump, the vile of Assad and the liberal outlook of Saudi Arabia is its President. So how shocking was it to hear that Brazil’s courts ruled homophobia and transphobia crimes! We double-checked that. We can’t believe there’s positive news, either. What’s more, even his ardent supporters are pissed off with him already.
Drowning street: Theresa May is finally quitting a most disastrous PMship of the UK. Her last day in office will be 7th June, which has triggered many ‘End of May is the first week of June jokes’. With the Brexit shitstorm looming large, this seems to be the only political post that is less attractive than stewardship of the Indian National Congress right now.
Shake it till you make it: The EU Parliamentary Elections are upon us. It’s being touted as a way for all those nutjobs who prefer authoritarianism across Europe to say they’ve had enough of all these immigrants and multiculturalism nonsense. An uncomfortable shift to the right is expected (and, yes, fake news, how did you guess?). For levity, we can reliably turn to Britain who has to participate in the very thing it wanted to leave - because it couldn’t decide how to leave. Like if Ranatunga took his men off the field but let Murali complete the over first. But let us enjoy Brexit-fearmonger-in-chief Nigel Farage being pelted with milkshake.
Pluralism - not quite dead as a Widodo: Thankfully, one country is resisting the strongman wave. Indonesia re-elected Joko Widodo (in the words of NYT) “a soft-spoken leader who revels in numbers, heavy metal bands and pluralism.”. Good stuff.
Barring a miracle: Oh, look. Julian Assange might spend 175 years in jail for doing all that Pentagon hacking and stuff. The real challenge for the US will be to try and keep him alive that long.
Greta expectations: Thank goodness for kids. You know, the ones supposedly ruining everything? This week, thousands of them led by 16-year-old Greta Thunberg are protesting inaction on climate change around the world.
Tech
Bezosness as usual: Oh, just shareholders of the company owned by the richest man in the world rejecting genuine concerns that its employees had about climate change, no biggie. Said richest man himself avoided questions like a 30-year-old Indian bachelor dodging parents’ questions about marriage.
Beijing a bar: Big Tech is trying a novel way to prevent the government from breaking it up - saying that doing so will help China. It’s nice that the US has a ‘Pakistan’ too.
Huawei kidding?: The first major victim of the US-China trade war: Huawei. A company that was flying high now has Google, Intel, and Qualcomm not supporting it anymore. Hardware replacements are not a problem, but software ones will be. But it’s quite clear Huawei is just collateral damage as the world’s two largest economics squabble.
Breaking the glass feeling: The most anticipated return of Glass is here - Manoj Night Shyamalan’s Mr. Glass, Kedar Jadhav’s return to fitness just in time for the world cup Google Glass which felt like a terrible idea initially never went away - it just decided to focus on Enterprise. And its new version kinda looks sexy.
Getting Elon’s goat: And er, this weird story of how Tesla poached a museum’s social media manager… Is bizarre and oh so 2019. Who said focussing on Ram can’t get you jobs?
LinkedOut
That’s reassuring. Green jobs pay more than others on average.
Go Impossible Burger (the company trying hard to make sure we don’t need to kill animals to get meat).
What happens when kids realise their life is already completely online?
Look at this really cool Apple robot that recycles old iPhones!
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to get in touch with us, we’re on Instagram (Chuck | Tony), Twitter (Chuck | Tony), and good ol’ email. Until next week, may your life be as wonderful as your Instagram feed.