The Third Slip: Issue 103 - How do you like Tim Apples?
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip - the weekly newsletter that summarises all of the world’s happenings in very few words, occasionally sacrificing accuracy but compensating with humour, in a sense. Much like Trump referring to Apple CEO Tim Cook as Tim Apple.
This is issue 103, and by now we’ve firmly established this newsletter as the one that hits hard with the chappal of truth and satire while taking quite a few blows in return from world news week on week. Something like two elected representatives having a go at each other…
If you're thinking of ways to keep this nonsense going beyond the two years we'll complete next week, support us on Patreon. And now for something completely similar, the news...
India
It’s the rot that counts: Here’s a math problem for you. If the Indian Air Force launches a pre-emptive strike across the border and drops a significant payload and says it doesn’t count the number of casualties, and you’re wondering why the ruling party that is asking everyone not to politicise the issue gives out multiple different casualty counts at various election rallies, how many terrorists were actually killed?
a) 250 terrorists according to Amit Shah
b) 300 terrorists according to Rajnath Singh
c) ‘intent of strike was to send a message not cause casualties, when did anyone from the government ever give a count?’ - according to Union Minister SS Ahluwalia?
The correct answer, of course, is d) what kind of an anti-national are you that you hold elected politicians accountable for their callous statements intended to canvass votes? Have you no shame you Pakistani? 130 crore Indians are proof that Modi ne guske mara. If you’re still uncomfortable with this answer, may we recommend ‘How to cope with the idea that all governments lie to their citizens and other truths they didn’t teach me in 8th standard civics’.
Rafale No Deal (aka the irony of something called The Hindu taking down the BJP): So that venerable newspaper published several reports about how the BJP overpaid for fighter jets, and removed anti-corruption clauses (so that Modi chum Anil Ambani could get a ton of money) using official leaked documents. The Government immediately used all the big words it knows, including “illegally obtained documents”, “Official Secrets Act” and “The Hindu stole our documents”. Kindly note it hasn’t disputed any of The Hindu’s claims. That’s like your parents finding cocaine and a dead body in your bedroom, but you file a case against them citing your right to privacy.
Discover the diamond in YouKay: Loan-wolf and diamond cutter extraordinaire Nirav Modi, who is apparently on the run from the law, was spotted casually walking the streets of London and is living in a flat worth 72 Crore. In his defence, he was wearing a jacket made of Ostrich Hide - worn as a fashion statement to signify how he is getting away from the world by sticking his head in a public hide-out in the ground. Because let’s face it, he definitely doesn’t need thicker skin.
Let US trade: India’s no longer going to be a ‘preferred trade partner’ of the US thanks largely to Trump. Oh well, if the country needs to be involved in a war, we’d prefer the trade version.
Sabka Weak Ass: This week in bold statements, the honourable Prime Minister, made a crass joke on his political opponent, and his mother by using a learning difficulty, dyslexia, as the setup. Make no mistake, as we get closer to the elections, the BJP is going to continue their politics of hate and bigotry. Development who? (Not that the Congress is a beacon of ethics, but we’ll take corruption over murder and senseless hate every day of the week and twice on Sunday)
Cleaning Up: On a positive note, Mumbai’s sanitation workers fought the BMC to become permanent workers and won.
Around the world
Damascurse: The good news is that the war in Syria might end soon. The bad news is that the evilest man in the world, Bashar al-Assad - who’s used the help of the silver medallist, Vladamir Putin, to kill his own citizens - will be the winner.
Islamagood: Finally, Pakistan is doing something about terrorism - if only because the rest of the world won’t stop going on about it. Ok, ok already! Oh also, it asked a minister to step down for giving a hate speech against Hindus. Imran can?
Getting Riyadh of the evidence: The body of the journalist that Saudi Arabia murdered in Istanbul? It was most likely burned in a large oven to dispose of evidence. This has led to the UN politely asking the country to cooperate in investigations, and 36 countries demanding the release of detained women’s rights activists. Even US senators called its murderer leader, Mohammad Bin Salman, “full gangster”.
Seeing stars & stripes: As a result of Trump’s what-does-this-button-do approach to economic policy, the country’s seen its highest fiscal deficit ever, even as China’s winning that trade war. L’Orange has other headaches, though - his ex-lawyer is still blabbing and suing his Organization for legal fees, his ex-campaign manager has been jailed, and Democrats are (finally!) launching a probe against him for obstruction of justice & corruption. What a country (we’d forgive them if they just started using the metric system and a proper date format).
Riot de Janeiro: Remember Brazil elected the ‘Trump of South America’? True to form, invaders are encroaching precious forest & tribal areas.
NGOh-oh: The WWF (the panda one, not the Hulk Hogan one) has been funding forces and guards to fight poaching (good thing) who have gone and used their power to kill innocent people (not a good thing).
Positive HIV: A second patient is now cured of HIV - meaning now we might actually be closer to solving AIDS.
A song and dance
That Reminds Me: Following US politics can be frustrating - so here, enjoy two warring senators in a light-hearted exchange over Nickelback.
I believe he can cry: And R Kelly absolutely melted during an interview where he was asked about sexual crime allegations.
Bad: Leaving Neverland, an HBO documentary on Michael Jackson’s well-known sexual abuse of children has left music broadcasters confused as to what to do now.
Music of the seventies: A 72-year old grandpa taught himself how to make Trap music and nervously went to a recording studio. He then stunned the producers there. Beautiful.
Tech
Meat me halfway: One super important tech we’re cheering on: Plant-based meat, which is slowly moving from lab experiment to hipster to mainstream in the US. The reason we’re not saying burger off anymore is that tech is shifting the focus from moral sanctimony to making “meat” that’s tastier and of a similar nutritional profile as animal meat.
Amass-on: Best innovation by a tech company this year: Amazon finding new, creative ways to not pay tax. And they wonder why people are angry at Big Tech.
Fact shaming: YouTube is working on a feature to show fact-check information next to sensitive topics. Especially in India. The most important job in the world right now: Being a content moderator.
Conservation of conversations: Facebook’s taking things seriously - filing a patent for a ‘civil political debate forum’ and Zuck announcing a renewed focus on private conversations.
LinkedOut - The best things we read this week
Human population will peak by 2050. It’s the end of the first age of Human History.
So in the future, judges will be AI-based?
Social networks offer you (and this is a fascinating new way of thinking): Status As A Service. True SaaS, that.
Trump bashing socialism is the best thing that could ever happen to socialism.
Wondering how Fox News became the White House / pro-Trump channel? Here.
Syrian refugee kids (especially girls) in Lebanon have taken to - improbably, given the beginning half of this sentence - cricket!
That’s it for this week. If you enjoyed reading this newsletter, why not use it to wrap that extra vada pav that you’re getting for your work colleague so they have something to read while eating this abominable all-carb, no taste snack? If you’d like to get in touch with us to tell us why you think vada pav is actually awesome and not just because of your pav-loveian conditioning you can email us or find us on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). If you'd like to fuel more of this madness, support us on Patreon. Until next week, may all attendees of your webex connect seamlessly. Bye!