The Third Slip: Issue 102 - War-run buffet
Hello, Slippers! Welcome to The Third Slip—the weekly newsletter that’s like an à la carte menu card to a college student in a restaurant which also serves a buffet. You definitely glance through it and make a cursory reading before finding the price too high and swiftly moving on to the buffet feed of social media that serves everything without needing careful discernment or investment of attention.
This is Issue 102. One-oh-two, of course, is the correct answer to give to the bartender when he asks if you’ll have any more to drink. “It’s been a rough week, I’ll have one… oh… two drinks, I nearly forgot the Taliban crisis”. Before you dive into your Sunday drinks, let’s look at the news…
India
Varthaman Kaal: Phew, a lot happened this week, and frankly, we are not qualified enough to unpack this for you so please apply salt as necessary. First, India launched a pre-emptive strike against terrorists across the border in Balakot dropping a payload, then Pakistani fighter planes attempted to cross the border, following which a Pak jet and an Indian jet were shot down leading to the capture and subsequent return of an Indian Air Force Wing Commander.
If the Indian media is to be believed, several JeM terror camps were destroyed, and Indian diplomats, along with several foreign countries, exerted tremendous pressure on Pakistan to release Abhinandan Varthaman and showed them their place.
If Pakistan media is to be believed, India carried out eco-terrorism by destroying only pine trees in its territory, and Pakistan PM Imran Khan deserves a Nobel Peace Prize for de-escalating tension by voluntarily returning the Indian pilot.
If international media is to be believed, no one really cared enough with even wokest of woke heroes, Trevor Noah, making a terribly tired stereotype-ridden joke about the whole situation.
If social media is to be believed, “Modiji is the greatest and we fucked Pakistan, but could have also put some nuclear bombs on them, and chup be libtard, go to Pakistan and/or we will eff you also”.
Ultimately, the entire situation seems to have de-escalated, so thank your favourite God for that. But now there are surgical strike sarees with Modiji and US forces(??) depicted on them, so yeah…
Catch-22 situation: Meanwhile, not to be left behind, the wonderful politicians of our great nation asked each other not to politicise the issue while politicising the living daylights out of the issue. In the lead, of course, was our dear leader himself who didn’t speak a word during the crisis but true to form came up with remarks such as “we just finished a pilot project, the real one is yet to come”. But the greatest of them all was the most senior BJP leader from Karnataka, BS Yeddyurappa, who possibly misunderstood the term Catch-22. He said, “Yes, great surgical strike by Modiji now BJP will surely get 22 seats in Karnataka in the Lok Sabha elections.” At least, he stayed true to his initials.
Stay where you are: In happier news, over a million forest dwellers will not have to move out of their decades-old homes as the Supreme Court this week stayed its direction to the state governments to evict them. This comes after the Union Ministry of Tribal Affairs approached the court, with a plea to modify and issue a temporary stay on its previous order.
Cleaner politics: In the past, we’ve been complimentary of the AAP government in Delhi, especially on its focus on improvement of bare basics like education and health. Carrying on with the trend, this week Arvind Kejriwal flagged off 200 sewer cleaning machines to help alleviate the unimaginable difficulties faced by manual scavengers. But hey, none of this appeals to optics as much as a great leader symbolically washing the feet of a handful of such workers, nor does it stir up feelings of patriotism cockles of our loins. Where’s the josh?
Oh, I see: In a historic first, India was invited to the Organisation of Islamic Cooperation (OIC) summit where Sushma Swaraj said, “The fight against terrorism is not a confrontation against any religion,” strategically leaving out the part that the said 'fight against a particular religion is a strictly domestic policy that my party champions.'
Around the world
How Hanoi-ing!: Trump & Kim met in Vietnam. It was like the Krrish franchise—the first one defied expectations and did surprisingly well, even critics had to admit. The second one was an unmitigated disaster, except, instead of people leaving the theatres in disgust, Trump left the talks after failing to convince his North Korean buddy to denukeify his country, in exchange for no sanctions lifted. That’s a bummer after L’Orange claimed he and Kim were in love. Oh well, maybe we’ll get a conclusion in another meeting, though we should keep in mind the third Krrish movie was even worse.
Cohen with the wind: While Trump was away handshaking Kim, his ex-personal lawyer Michael Cohen testified to Congress and - surprise! - painted his ex-boss as a racist, conman and liar (and had receipts to prove it). That, along with Mueller’s apparently upcoming report, things are going to get interesting… Well, more interesting. Oh, and Congress also blocked Trump’s emergency to build the wall. Speaking of which, Trump’s anti-immigrant policies are getting strange support from Mexico who is keen to just play along and not spoil relations with America. Sort of like when you go to your boss’ “party” knowing things are going to get ugly, but you have your long-term to think of.
Canard-ah!: By the way, Trump ain’t the only leader facing trouble over a testimony - Justin Trudeau - yes, the Buzzfeed-ready PM of Canada - is facing a massive scandal which could end his career. (Also Israel’s Ben Netanyahu - but that’s less surprising, innit?)
Giving up on social media: Ostensibly fed up with the way Trump is meddling with its nuclear deal, Iran’s foreign minister resigned… But chose to do so via Instagram. We hope he didn’t do it via Stories - it will be valid only for 24 hours.
Tirade war: And it largely looks like a US-China trade war won’t happen. Phew. Maybe that will help Xi, who’s getting damn nervous and taking it out on his party members.
Aap Qatar mein hai: We’ll end on a good note: In Doha, The Taliban is negotiating peace in Afghanistan… With the US.. Without the Afghan government. Wait, what?
Not ‘News’: The things-didn’t-change section
Stop the prez: Venezuela - still screwed as two presidents can’t decide who the president is.
Neverendum: Brexit - Nobody has a clue what will happen (though, we might have a new referendum, which means back to square one. Our favourite sitcom got renewed!)
Tech
A sultan battery: If you want some new phones to drool over, here are the best ones from Mobile World Congress ‘19. Yes yes, those foldables are here too. But, the weirdest product from Mobile World Congress: A brick-sized Energizer phone with an 18000 mAh battery (your standard one has 3000-4000).
Consume in moderation: The Verge brought out a damning (long!) report about how content moderators are going through hell.
Elon wolf: After months of normalcy, Elon Musk is back to badmouthing the SEC and making wild predictions using Twitter. Phew, it’s all good, folks.’ But! You can now order the Tesla Model 3 for $35000 online. Try the customizer, it’s fun!
Sue cash-a? Me cash-a!: Probably jealous that the GDPR was helping all those Europeans make money by suing tech companies over handling user data poorly, USA’s Federal Trade Commission fined TikTok $5.7m accusing it of violating children’s law.
LinkedOut
Michael Cohen lost everything defending Trump. Will the same thing happen to the GOP?
Some Nepalis are trying very hard to get their countrypeople skiing.
Apparently, musicians now need to optimize their music for smart speakers.
Ever wondered what it’s like being the parent of a child ‘influencer’?
That’s it for this week. If you’d like to find us to troll us, we are on Twitter (Chuck | Tony). If you enjoyed/didn’t enjoy reading this newsletter, why not subscribe and share with people you like/want to annoy? Until next week, may all your elevator rides be devoid of uncomfortable eye contact with strangers. Bye!
