The Third Slip Issue 1: Aadhaar is not mandatory to read this

Hey!
Welcome to the first ever issue of Third Slip! We have no idea what this is going to become, but the only thing we can promise is nonsense on a weekly basis that links you to some… Not-so-nonsense. I think our approach to political commentary can be best summed up by this GIF from the ongoing Ind-Aus series…

Let’s begin. There’s been a lot happening this week.

==

One more university bites the dust!

No, not IIPM, but IIN. Now that the Vodafone-Idea merger has happened, it looks like Idea’s advertising - which oscillates from the brilliant (Ullu Mat Banao) to the downright ridiculous (anything feat Abishek Bachchan) - has an uncertain future. Mercifully, this probably means the end of that prestigious institution, the IIN - which remains to this day the worst translation from strategy slides to final creative execution.

UP and at ‘em
Where do we begin? The most populous state has a new CM whose political ideology puts the ‘right’ in ‘fright’. One theory is he’s made the rest of the BJP look like liberal scholars (not unlike how suddenly we’d do anything to get George W Bush back in the White House). To start with, every politician has cases against them, but this man has a veritable luggage factory (and we all know how this one’s going to end). The bit that’s captured pop culture the most over the last few days, though, has been going after meat - having ramifications ranging from the iconic Tunday Kebab shuttering, to lions who’re refusing to accept chicken as a substitute (hence proving, the regular Imbiss visitor and jungle cats aren’t all that dissimilar)

Water (some)body
Given that election mandate in the Hindi belt, it was just a matter of time as to which would come first - genocide or comedy. Thankfully, the latter won out. The Uttarakhand High Court identified the Ganga and Yamuna as living entities and gave them rights. Apparently, this has been done so that the said rivers can be cleaned up. That’s a noble endeavour - as the Ganga for one is more dead body than water body. This raises multiple questions. If these bodies are actually living beings now, they need to do things that regular Indians do. So how do they vote? How do they get stuck in traffic jams? Will there be an @GangaTweets Twitter account where they troll other water bodies whose ebbs and flows it disagrees with? Conversely, does this mean young kids can escape a bath legally, by applying for non-living status?

Trump’s, erm, multifaceted personality
There are many things one can accuse Donald Trump of being - fascist, stupid, bigoted, narrow-minded, xenophobic, orange, unrealistic, loud. Schizophrenic or restrained, however, would be two adjectives that don’t usually make it in close proximity with Herr Trump - consistency in character rules out the former and possession of functioning vocal cords and Twitter rule out the latter. However, this week, two Twitter accounts controlled by the gold-plated buffoon showcased his split-personality. After FBI Director James Comey confirmed that there was no substance in Trump’s claim that President Obama was wire-tapping him, the @POTUS and @realDonaldTrump accounts responded quite differently: One acted constipated, one acted like it found the solution for it. In any case, given that Trump’s own team has no idea what he’s thinking, we’re not sure if taking the effort to tap Trump’s phone lines would give Obama anything substantial beyond randomly giving out parts of the country to family members, but hey, that stopped shocking us months ago. Sadly, though, this whole story is another example of the startling evolution of an idea with no basis in fact or evidence - something that even Darwin would have trouble explaining.

Trump is also learning the hard way that one does not simply mess with the FBI. Fun times ahead. (We’ll cover Trumpcare - or as the rest of the Republicans are calling it - LOL, next week).

Error 737: Laptops not allowed on flights
On Tuesday, the US (and then the UK) told airlines originating from a few countries that passengers could not carry laptops / tablets on board - hence dealing a blow to terrorists operating Macbook-connected bombs, executives feverishly working on Excel before a meeting, and parents whose only hope of catching sleep on a long flight was when their kids were glued onto stupid games on iPads. We’re not quite sure whether this story was Islamophobic in nature or actually strategic, hence putting us in the weird spot of not knowing whether to make fun of it or not. While stopping a possible attack is one theory, economic protectionism is a nicer one.

Interlude: We live in strange times.
UP’s new CM has made Narendra Modi look like a liberal teddy bear, China is suddenly the champion of free trade, the Australian media is whining about mental disintegration and now there’s technology that enables men to wank off on (not to!) their phones to check fertility. The world today can best be summed up as: lolwut.

Finance BillGates

The finance bill was, to use a slightly technical term, sneaked through the Parliament on March 22nd with several amendments. It also bypassed the Rajya Sabha by virtue of being a money bill even as MPs protested calling it a backdoor legislation. How come you didn't heard about it? Well, the beef issue could be one distraction, but maybe the bill itself was too boring that the mainstream media chose to ignore it even though it has ominous implications on procedure and policy (and how!). Oh BTW, the completely voluntary Aadhaar just became mandatory for everything from tax filing to getting a mobile phone to applying for a driving licence even as there are security and privacy concerns about it. Don't be surprised if it's made mandatory for everything from buying stuff online to enrolling in the gym. Thank goodness for Incognito Mode. For now.

Now that’s a novel concept! (Happy story of the week)

In the era of clickbait, gratuitous violence, ribald humour and objectification of women to grab eyeballs, what do you get if you decide to put time and effort into creating a show on sex education on Doordarshan? India’s most watched TV show apparently. This most heartening story of Main Kuch Bhi Kar Sakti Hoon (MKBKSH) which uses a soap format to impart lessons on sex education, domestic violence, and that most elusive concept even in 2017 - treating women like human beings.

Can’t prescreen your tweets yet, but we will prescreen your movies

Young cricketers growing up should take a cue from Pahlaj Nihalani on how to play short leg spin bowling outside the off stump - cut a lot and stay on the backfoot looking unperturbed. Earlier this week, the CBFC directed that “Mann ki baat” be removed from the upcoming movie Sameer because “"PM ka radio show hai”. This came after yet another entertaining cut of Hanuman Chalisa from the movie Phillauri because its recitation did not lead to the ghost being eradicated. To be fair though, cutting out Hanuman Chalisa worked better for the plot than cutting out the ghost from the rest of the film.

Eats shoots and leaves

Next time you direct scorn at your company’s legal department for starting out letters with “This firm and, in particular, the writer (who has carriage of this matter), have recently received instructions to act on behalf of...” think again. Turns out Oakhurst Dairy in Maine just lost a multi-million dollar court case over an Oxford comma. For anyone unfamiliar with the Panda joke in the title and/or Lynne Truss’s (Truss’? Trus’s? Trusses’s?) book on punctuations, this wiki page.

Koramangala, 4th block

Turns out Bangalore Bengaluru has been quietly building an intrinsic terrorism shield for itself through years of screwing up its traffic. According to this story, a terror attack was dropped because “the accused failed to reach there on time because of traffic jam and the seminar got over”. Imagine if the terrorist upon reaching heaven is told that “there were 72 virgins but they’re all old and married now because you were stuck in a traffic block”

Puzzle! The Pseudo-ku

Fill in the squares with the numbers 1,2, or 3 such that each row and column have 1,2, and 3 in them

Ta-da!
That’s it for this issue. We hope you enjoyed it. If you did, forward to friends. If you didn’t, forward to enemies and HDFC Bank customer care. Tell us what you think (email, Chuck Twitter, Tony Twitter). See you next week, folks!